Posted on 10.28.08 to Childbirth by Joey Camire

What if the type of sex your parents had when they conceived you determined the type of person you would be?

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Some might think it odd, but when I think of child birth its not the things you might assume that come to mind. I don’t think of water breaking. I don’t think of the woman losing control of her bowels during childbirth (which is very common). And, unlike Tom Cruise, I don’t think of making pizza with the placenta (though here is a recipe I found online http://www.twilightheadquarters.com/placenta.html).

The truth is when I think of childbirth, my thoughts wander back to when the child was conceived. That passionate, missionary style, before she falls asleep, once a week kind of love.

That got me thinking… What if the type of sex your parents had when they conceived you determined the type of person you would be? Think about that for a second. No not your parents. Use someone else as an example, don’t be gross. What type of fucked up sex are people having to make some of the people you come across everyday.

I’ve decided to look at peoples personalities, and try to go back in time to figure out what kind of sex their parents were having when they were conceived. I was going to start with myself to be fair, but due to an awful car ride with my mom and an ex-girlfriend, I know I was conceived on Valentines Day 1984 when my mom didn’t wear her diaphragm as a gift to my dad. I’ve never been the same.

Ben Cheney

Ben is extremely detail oriented. He loves music, god, and cheap wine.
His conception: His dad had just finished a long week of work. He wanted to unwind so on the way home he picked up a couple of bottles of Boone’s Farm. After polishing off several bottles, he was feeling the effects of the wine. He fingered through his record collection and found it, “God Loves You From The Inside: a compilation of the greatest christian love songs of 1983”. He dropped the needle on “God Invented Missionary For A Reason”, and got completely naked. Ben’s mother walked into the living room to find Ben’s father butt naked singing along “if God wanted you to do it that way, then why is it called doggy style?” He laid her down on the carpet and gave it to her at exactly 30 TPMs (thrusts per minute) for a full three minutes, just the way she likes it. That’s why Ben is the way he is.

Now not all cases are this involved. Some are much more simple to figure out. Lets look at another example.

Alex Aloise

Alex is OBSESSED with wrestling.
His Conception: His father gave his mother the pile driver. Here is a diagram.

Robert Downy Jr.

His parents were going through a role playing stage… And a heroin stage.

John Stewart

His father hated himself and his mother thought that was funny, then they had sex.

Sarah Palin

Her parents were teachers, and they never mixed work with pleasure.

Ashlee Simpson

Her mom faked it.

Chuck Norris

Immaculate Conception

Paris Hilton

Her parents were trying out erotic asphyxiation, unfortunately they cut off oxygen to the egg and sperm too, integral to brain development.

Chris Rock

Hate Sex

Mel Gibson

Good old drunk sex in a church.

Daniel Craig

He was conceived on a floating bed made of wool above an erupting volcano while Marvin Gay’s lets get it on played after a his parents fed each other chocolate covered habanero peppers in the middle of the summer. (god he is hot)