Vanity plates are the crooked toupees of the road.
They’re like neck tattoos… pretty fuckin’ cool as a teenager, but then not so much in the carpool line at your son’s elementary school… which could only mean one thing… Up to 13% of women in Arkansas might as well cut the bullshit and name their kid(s) Elmer, Sebastian, or a name of equally scaring value if they have a neck tattoo.
Actually I take that back because I’m sure some heckler jackass would argue that that’s what parenting is all about, embarrassing your children (which in truth, is something that I argue regularly, bit I’ll get into on a later post).
I’d like to retract my long-way-for-a-ham-sandwich-opener and say… Vanity license plates are flat out LAME.
Personal opinions aside, here’s why…
1. If you have VPs, you are a douche bag.
2. If you’re a parent (with VPs), your kids are already embarrassed by you enough.
3. If you’re a single parent, vanity license plates are probably the reason why.
4. If you have VPs you might also wear a translucent neon sun bonnet and have 14 or so state magnets on your fridge all from 13 states within driving distance from Florida.
5. If you have VPs you probably know the name of the lead singer of Nickelback.
6. If you have VPs, you might be from Virginia and who the shit really likes Virginians anyway? (Except, of course, those that made Nov 4th possible.)
7. (If you have VPs) You probably use acronyms to remember planetary alignment and important historical events, such as when Brangelina adopted Zahara.
8. When you arrive home on Friday nights after an evening of hitting on local high school girls at Dave and Busters with your work buddies, you take off your black short sleeve rayon button up (the one with flames on the bottom) as quietly as you can so as not to wake your brother and sister-in-law.
9. If you have VPs and are a school teacher, you probably also like to waste money on equally unimportant things like your holiday sweater collection, which started out as an ironic joke when you first started teaching kindergarden because you thought teaching would be a great profession to meet single women.
10. If you have multiple kids (and have VPs) you string them together with leashes and harnesses on trips to your regional amusement park, which for you is in or around the Mall of America.
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