5.            “This looks like the shotgun I have at my house”

TaBoris, Age:10
While herding children through the Jamestown ole Shoppe, this student stopped to peruse the collection of toy muskets. The statement was made with pride and loud enough for the elderly volunteers to collect together in the rear of the shop to discuss the implications of having a ten-year-old gangster in the store.

4.            “Indians dance to meet women”

Jordan, age: 10
Upon being asked what Indian life was like during the 1600’s, this student impressively began to describe Native American culture down to some of the smallest details. He spoke of the family make-up, general hunting rituals and some of the chores in daily Indian life. He was cruising with the settlement lecture until he began speaking of their rituals. Once he veered down this path, there was no saving him. In either an attempt to prove his superiority or shut the kid up, our guide asked, “why do Indians dance, Jordan?”

A smiled curled across the young scholar’s face as he confidently announced what was, in his mind, the answer to one of the most obvious questions he had ever fielded.

3.            “I feel like a woman”

Dakota, age: 10
Ah Dakota, so much I could say about this little guy. We can sum this young man up with the first words he shared with me upon arrival.

“Mr. Childs, guess what?”

“What Dakota?”

“This morning for breakfast I had a bowl of cereal, a chocolate doughnut, 3 Reese’s cups and some candy.”

I asked what he considered the Reese’s cup as he stated he began eating candy post the peanut butter and chocolate treat but that is a tale for another time.

Dakota spent a fair amount of time on the activity bus thumbing through magazines the teachers brought along with them. At certain points, when the mood or scent struck him, Dakota would be begin rubbing the folded scent strips of the perfume ads all over his body. He seemed to like this and garnered a fair amount of pleasure from the application.

2.            “Bye kids, yay.”

Questionable “first-mate” character, Age: early twenties
While not the best quote of the day, easily the one that impacted me the most.

One of the spotlights at our nation’s first settlement are tours of the boats our forefathers arrived on. On this particular day we were graced with an extremely talented character playing the role Captain of the Godspeed. While his performance was no doubt riveting, my attention could not be pulled from his first mate.

Not one of the most compelling characters I’ve encountered at a colonial hotspot. Imagine your stereotype of a pizza delivery guy, slightly rotund, questionable whiskers in the rough form of a beard attempt. This theatrical apprentice stayed close to his master’s heels and only spoke once.

It’s important to understand how this line was communicated. First, there was no excitement in the young man’s tone. Nor any sign of rehearsal. Next, there really was no need or call for an additional, flat “yay”. There was no overly exciting event happening on or near our vessel. It was not spoken to invigorate the November-chilled spirits of these fourth graders. He wasn’t looking in the direction of the exiting gaggle. It was quite honestly one of the most half-hearted, poorly placed pieces of language ever offered up. Picture Jeanine Garofalo as a meaty, male under-grad.

1.            “Now I need a boy to waddle”

Tour guide Scott, Age: senior
Scott was a good man. Sharp wit. Solid beard. Colonial tie.

As any tour-ee should expect, the man knew his stuff. He acted, lectured, explained and mimicked his way through three hours of Jamestown splendidness. He wasn’t an overly nice man and had no qualm speaking to the children with the tone of an old school educator.

This line came while demonstrating how colonists made fences during the time. At first a young lady was asked to demonstrate the antiquated practice. After a few attempts she caught on and was waddling.

Scott, in all of his opportunistic wisdom, wanted to make sure everyone had a chance to experience his waddle.

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