The current economic downturn has been an absolutely unavoidable topic of conversation since September. The conversations range from the bleak and somewhat morbid, much like Husayns post on the future, to complete and utter denial. You can’t escape people making their own uninformed hypotheticals or predictions based on their paltry knowledge on the topic of economics.
“Oh really? Is that how the markets trending? I’m glad you’ve been keeping up with it, but if you wouldn’t mind pouring my coffee, I can be on my way.”
The truth is, as much as I’m hoping we somehow perform a little economic “coitus interuptus”, I think there are still things we can look forward too if we don’t manage to pull out. Maybe it’s just my hopeless optimism, but here are the top 5 things you can look forward to in an economic depression.
1) No Job
Let’s keep it real with each other, no one really likes to work. You may be one of those people who says “OMG I love what I do”, but even you still hate getting your ass out of bed on a Monday morning. Oh sure there may be stresses that come with not having the job, but at least you won’t have to deal with that Prick you call boss. And honestly, it’s hard to be stressed when you are sitting on ass watching Full House re-runs… John Stamos is so dreamy.
2) Weight Loss
We both know you’ve put on a few pounds in the past couple of years. I know, you want to get to the gym, but your life is sooo busy how can you find the time. In fact you are so damn busy, you only have enough time to stuff your face with take out from the chinese place across the street. Why is it that none of the chinese employees are as fat as you? Well either way, you won’t be able to afford that anymore. Even though ramen noodles have just as much MSG, they have no nutritional value, so you’ll lose those pounds in no time. You should have been fasting anyways, you are a slob.
3) No need to hide your alcohol problem
During a depression everyone boozes. From Mormons to middle schoolers. Everyone. Even the people with money are in the bottle. If you don’t have an alcohol problem, you should probably get one, just to fit in. It’s pretty much like an Irish funeral, everyone is sad and everyone is ‘snockered’.
4) You don’t have to feel bad for living in your parents basement
As great as it was to move out of your house once you made it to adulthood, everyone quickly realizes that living at home was a whole hell of a lot easier. Everything was taken care of. The thing is, for some reason your mom never really loses that maternal instinct. Now that you have an excuse to move back in, your mom is totally going to cook you some delicious chocolate chip pancakes to soothe your pain. She will also starch your undies, because that helps too.
5) No Bills
Oh, you will still be getting them, but you won’t be able to pay them so you don’t have to feel bad about it. You just ride things out until everything gets turned off. Once that happens just go home and collect on those sweet flapjacks.
The way I see it, a depression will be pretty much like undergraduate college all over again. You have no Job, but you don’t care because you are hammered all the time. You are lean and svelt because you found a way to sustain yourself on vodka and $.18 pouches of freeze dried noodles and salt. You have so much debt you are collecting, but you don’t have to pay it now, so who really gives a shit? Oh yeah, and you get to go home to Mom and Dad’s loving arms when things get tough. Honestly, it sounds like a good time to me.
I guess there are a few people we owe an apology for coming down on them so hard, when all they were doing was looking out for us. Thanks AIG, we owe you.
Browse Timeline
- « Top 5 Little-Seen Gems That I Think You Should Check Out Immediately
- » Top 5 last things I have thought about before falling asleep that I can remember
blog comments powered by Disqus
Loading ...
Comments ( View Comments )
Add a Comment