With today being Thanksgiving, I figured I would share the story of our nation’s first supporting role. So sit back and enjoy the tale of Doba, whose name means No War, and Omusa, whose name means Misses With Arrows.

Doba: Omusa, brother. Strange white men have entered our land. Thus far they appear to pose little threat, however, I remain weary of their presence. I feel I must speak to them, Omusa, and tell them the story of our great land. We are a proud people. We have a strong, respected history. I shall make it my duty to teach these strangers of our ways, and to ensure that our great land retains its honor. Will you stand beside me?

Omusa: Yup. No prob Dob.

Doba: (Sigh) No prob? Omusa, I am humbly requesting your…

Omusa: …I know. I know. But seriously, why are you talking like that? You sound like Chief Dad.

Doba: I’m just trying to psyche myself up for this. If we’re gonna keep these people off our land we gotta at least sound legit.

Omusa: I get it, but it’s a little funny to me.

Doba: Fine, I’ll phrase it your way. I’m gonna go talk to these people at 3:00. I need you to back me up. We’re gonna give them Maze and wampum and all that good shit. But whatever you do, DO NOT say anything. Just stand there and look hard. Be my badass Flies-With-Eagles-Wingman.

Omusa: That’s better. I can do that.

And so, later that day, Doba and Omusa went to the White Men to offer peace and express their desire for distance.

William: Hello Red strangers. My name is William Goodman. My friends and I have come to this land seeking religious freedom and hoping to establish a new England.

Doba: Good to meet you William. Listen, my tribe and I have been here for centuries. We’re honest people. We do our work to get by and keep to ourselves. We do not want any trouble from you, nor do we want any real interaction with you. We come here today with this peace offering of our most prized crop, Maze. Please accept it with the understanding that this shall be the last time our peoples will interact. We will keep to our land and we ask that you do the same.

William: Understood. We mean no harm. We shall adhere to your request. May I ask, are you Christians?

Doba: No sir, we believe in our own gods and…

Omusa: Hey what are those long metal tubes with the wooden handles? And why is he putting those clay balls into it?

Doba: OMUSA…!

Omusa: Yeah yeah, hold on.

William: That is called a gun, friend.

Omusa: Gun, huh? And this “Christian” business?

William: Oh yes friend, it’s the greatest religion in the world.

Doba: Omusa, please…

Omusa: (To Doba) I know man, chill, this is interesting.

William: Indeed. Guns and religious freedom, that is all we seek.

Doba: Well okay. Good luck with everything. Hope you all have a great time. We’re gonna go back home now. Glad we’re all understood about the whole keeping-our-distance thing and I trust that….

Omusa: Hey, you and your friends wanna come over for dinner?

Browse Timeline

• « Did your dog jump off a cliff?
• » The Fluffer: An Unsung Hero and Supporting Role

blog comments powered by Disqus