Many of you may already be expressing confusion… The Fluffer? What the hell is that? That just goes to show the lack of praise and attention Professional Fluffers get.

For those whom are still in the dark, a Fluffer is the person on an adult video set who keeps the men “Ready For Action” between takes… “Standing at Attention”… “Hard At Work”… you get it.

This role has been vital for such seminal classics (see what I did there?) as “Debbie Does Dallas” and “Deep Throat” all the way to the modern hits such as “Pirates” or “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin“.

However, Fluffers have traditionally never been anything more than a name in the credits.  And while some more dedicated fans may sit through the credits, I have a sneaking suspicion that most teenage boys don’t watch the credits of porn films. Lord Knows I didn’t.

This, however, does not do justice to the professionalism and training that these unsung heroes possess. You can’t just start as a professional, there are many tests that are involved, forms to learn;  it takes time to move from amateur to professional.  Today, in many ways, the fluffer has become nothing more than a joke to some, as this t-shirt demonstrates.  I’m here to set the record straight for these timeless strokers.  Here are the rules the Professional Fluffer lives by.

1) Stimulate, Don’t Ejaculate

This is the first and most important rule.  Many of you remember that girl in highschool,  she went by many different names, but most people just called her a ‘Tease.’  Fluffers are constantly aiming for blue balls.  This has been a factor in ruining the marriages of many professional fluffers.  They want to please their partners, but they can’t bring themselves to finish the job.  Many spouses of fluffers have gone blind from blue balls, or even worse “Died”… who knew that old trick was actually true!

2) Friction is the enemy!

Some shoots can take up to 8 hours, so as you might imagine, there is a lot of fluffing going on.  It is vital for Fluffers to maintain “Maximum Viscocity.” There are more occupational hazards than you think.  Do you remember on the playground?  When someone would give you an indian sunburn?  Imagine that on another part of your anatomy… Yeah.  Friction is the enemy.

3) No Eye Contact

I mean seriously, that’s just awkward.

4) Oral or Manual Only

Many times stars will ask for more, but any Fluffer worth their weight knows to keep it professional.  There will be no reach arounds, rusty trombones, gorrilla mists, houdinis, donkey punches, belgian waffles, turkey jerky, snoodling, docking, or any thing else.  Oral or manual, those are the rules.

Without these expert floggers, these certified strokers, these master… baters (I know, but come on), we would not have a porn industry, and we would have nothing to do in our free time.  By bringing new meaning to the “Hand Job”, they allow us those three minutes of ectasy before we go to sleep alone at night.

Here’s to you Professional Fluffers, the key support of an entire industry.  May you never know the pains of carpal tunnel, arthritis or hand cramps.  I’d give you a high five, if I didn’t know where those hands had been.

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