If cigarettes were people, this is what they would be like.

Camel Lights
Doesn’t take risks.  Loves all Jerry Bruckheimer movies (including Pearl Harbor).  Really into wake boarding.  Has a picture with all of the members of the band 311 in his room.  The picture is framed and is on his dresser.  Talks about how “crazy” his hair used to be.  Still has his pog collection because he is waiting for the craze to “come back”.  Room is still covered in posters from the Chicago Bulls second three peat.  This is because, although having a great job selling insurance, he still lives with his parents.

Marlboro Menthol 100s
She had a chance at good life in the latter part of Reagan’s administration.  Let her partying ways get out of control chasing local radio deejays around and wound up knocked up with a big ole whodunit in her hands.  Apartment has two cats.  Framed prints of sail boats – everywhere.  Favorite comedy: Weekend at Bernie’s 2.  Has never gone a day without curling bangs and still works out on her Nordic Track before going into her job as an “administrative assistant” at a veterinarian clinic.  At night she peruses the local karaoke bars singing Duran Duran covers while prying on young innocent men for attention.  Categorized as a grand-cougar in today’s society.

American Spirit
Vegan chef at a restaurant that is owned by his girlfriend.  Wears non-prescription glasses.  Has a beard that is larger than his arms.  Suffers from curse of knowledge in the realm of politics due to spending extended amounts of time listening to NPR.  Responds, “there is no such thing as a curse of knowledge in politics,” when he is told previous sentence.  “Famous” for his soy grilled cheese.  Shares clothes and shoes with girlfriend.  Likes to brag about how he once smoked a joint with M. Ward before he was famous.  Slight paradox of smoking cigarettes and being a vegan doesn’t register.  When presented with this argument responds,  “I could also get his by a bus.”   We can only hope so.

Parliament Lights
Doesn’t own t-shirts.  Has over five DUI arrests, but has gotten off on all because of lawyer uncle.  Golf clubs in back of car at all times despite only playing once a year. Held all offices possible during tenure with fraternity.  Wears Manchester United jersey when lounging around house despite never having watched a game. Pro-life despite paying for five abortions.  Listens to Talking Heads despite hating their music.  Thinks Obama and Tiger Woods are cousins.  Future, certain.  Mid-life crisis, more certain.

Virginia Slims
Mother of ugly daughters.  High cheek bones give off illusion of being thin, but figure was lost after the signing of the fourth pre-nup.  Fur coats and large couches litter the empty house on the hill.  Lights aren’t turned on at night, but the faint lyrics of Sade can be heard all the way from the bottom of the driveway.  Empty bottles of Bella Sara pinot grigio litter the garden.  Boxwoods are dead and winter hasn’t even begun.

Camel Wide Filters
Prides himself on his mustache and is everyone’s favorite bachelor.  Has mastered all various bar games and prefers winking to handshakes.  The room stops when he laughs and no one will share food with him.  Likes to spread his love of music by getting people to listen to deep cuts of Boston.  Just got facebook.  Updates status hourly.  Probably gay.

Doral Ultra Lights
Flannel shirt and hat protect body and face from sun that beats down during days of hard labor.  The bed of the truck is filled with empty Mountain Dew cans and the dashboard is covered in fingernails.  There is an Elvis bobble head.  She loves this truck.

Cigarettes as People, 4.0 out of 5 based on 1 rating

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