Last week I was perusing the interwebs when I stumbled upon a 5-part online documentary about a man named Gaahl. Gaahl is the lead singer of Gorgorath, the most hardcore Norwegian Black Metal band on the planet (Gorgorath:Norwegian Black Metal::Billy Squire:New Jersey Camaro Rock). I learned a lot about Gaahl by watching this film:
1) He lives on a massive stretch of land in the Norwegian mountains that is owned and inhabited exclusively by his family.
2) He went to school on said plot of land in the same building from the ages of 5-18 with only one other child.
3) He is a prolific, and very talented painter, yet refuses to let anyone purchase his work (all his canvases are stored in his attic).
4) Just this year, he was released from prison after serving a sentence for beating, kidnapping, and torturing a man. He cut his victim numerous times and collected the blood in a cup. The courts said that Gaahl either made his victim drink his own blood, or he drank it himself. Gaahl said he was just making sure it didn’t get on the carpet.
5) Also this year, he designed and launched a line of women’s dresses.
…..Huh????
The most evil man in Norway (as titled by the country’s top newspaper) is a dressmaker? He’ll gladly torture a man. He’ll express all his pain in hidden-away works of art. And he’ll make you look fabulous for your prom photos.
That final discovery blew my mind, and it made me wonder, what other kinds of strange and wonderful habits do some of my favorite documentary subjects partake in?
Timothy Treadwell – Grizzly Man
Timothy dedicated his life to the bears he loved so much. He spent years living with and learning about some of nature’s most noble creatures. He was a gentle soul who wanted to share his love for bears with the world. Ultimately, they ate him because they’re bears and he was just some wacky dude with a bad haircut. But before all that he was a door-to-door fragrance salesman! You see, the reason Timothy spent all that time playing with bears was so that he could bottle their scent and sell it to unsuspecting midwestern housewives. I’m honestly surprised that Grizzly Mist and Kodiak Essence didn’t take off any more than they actually did. Though, to be fair, Eurasian Brown Temptation did take home the bronze at the ’01 Twin Cities Best of the Bathtub Bottlers.
Bjorn Turoque – Air Guitar Nation
Determination is what best sums up this journeyman of the Air Guitar universe. As he travels from competition to competition, he never lets the fact that he loses more often than he wins deter him. But what people don’t know about the Ayatollah of AirNRolla is what he does in between contests. Bjorn Turoque’s secret is not a hobby so much as it is a disease. He’s an Air Cutter. After each losing effort, Bjorn lowers his head and retreats back to his Air Dressing Room inside his step-dad’s ’88 Tercel. There, he takes out an Air Razor and proceeds to Air Cut his Air Arms in between swigs from his Aristocrat bottle filled with Air Cristal. After he’s finished Air Bleeding, he curls up in bed next to that night’s Air Groupie.
Billy Mitchell – The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters
Arguably, the biggest douchebag ever captured on film, Billy Mitchell was crowned the world champion of Donkey Kong about 20 years ago and has been living off of that “success” ever since. He’s currently the owner/operator of his parent’s restaurant in beautiful Hollywood, FL and still competes in classic video game tournaments because, why wouldn’t he? Although probably best recognized by his trademark Mullet and USA-inspired ties, some fans only know him by what lies below his belt. You see, Billy Mitchell is also the creator of his own line of video game-themed, personally molded sex toys. Yes kids, that nerd with all the sex appeal of a schoolbus fire is both the brains and the balls behind such legendary faux-phalluses as the “Donkey Dong”, the “Pac Her, Man”, and the “Space Invader.”
They should make a documentary about all that shit.
**Authors note: Aside from Gaahl, all other “hobbies” are completely fictitious. Please don’t sue me.
Loading ...
