Thinking about making a documentary?  At the very least, here is what you will need:

An opening sequence that involves a car

This is an impeccable formula.  It helps if the car is moving.

Experts that no one has ever heard of

No matter how well known your subject matter is, we won’t accept your documentary as truthful and thorough if you don’t have people we have never heard of talking about it.   Make sure their name comes up in white right underneath their face and get them to tell a story that they think is funny, even if we don’t.  After all, if they are laughing, then they had to be there.  Right?

A scene in a restaurant

It’s always important to show just how flattered and uncomfortable a camera can make the waitress of a diner feel. Pick one that allows smoking.

Famous people being normal

It’s not a documentary if the subject doesn’t eat a Dairy Queen blizzard, play basketball or receive a call from their parents.  If you are making a documentary and it’s not about famous people, you still have to show it.  If they are bus drivers, show them watching Jeopardy.  While this won’t have the normalizing effect that it does with famous people, it will show us your subject is just as pathetic as we are.

A shot of rain falling outside of a window

You should try to place this about 65% of the way through the film.  Play some deep cut Nick Drake over it and show a montage of family life.  Really good if you are shooting in black and white.  Even better if there is some theme of unemployment.

A scene that starts with a phone call

It doesn’t matter what they are talking about.  Just make they are upset about something, out of focus and act like they don’t know you are there.

A time lapse that involves a lot of people moving

Most documentaries have either a concert, speech or some other kind of massive gathering.  Film this.  All you have to do is set up a camera.

A making of the documentary that is two times longer than the actual documentary

After all, you are in this for YOU to become famous.  Make sure you have at least three stories of how you almost died during the filming of the piece.  Mention in your interview how you could “retire from this industry” because you don’t know how you would ever top it.  After talking about yourself for 45 minutes, make sure you give credit to the subjects of your documentary by claiming that you “just happened to be there”.  If you are a male director, make sure you have a beard, a hat and worn down coffee mug.  If you are female director, make sure you talk about how there aren’t enough of you out there.

Simple, loaded questions that can be re-edited to fit the overall theme of the documentary so the particular worldview that you want to project onto society comes gleaming through

Let’s say you are going to do a documentary about teachers.  Let’s say you are interviewing a teacher at home and you notice that he gives his family milk for dinner.  Ask him why.  He will reply, “because it is good”.  If you set out to prove the merits of teaching you now have the closing shot of your film.  This miniscule detail will serve not as looked over character trait, but as a microcosm for the entire world of pedagogy.  Even though you filmed that in the very beginning, it can now close your film in a perfect cyclical manner.  You will be perceived as an genius.  You will eventually believe that perception.  You will believe you have done something great.  Teachers are good.  You are great.  Film school was worth it.  Roll the credits.