The statement “you are what you eat” has a sprawling estate in the land of bullshit right next the quiet domiciles of “masturbation will make you go blind” and “you can do anything you put your mind to”.  We all have friends who live on diets consisting entirely of pizza, gin and Sour Patch Kids.  They laugh at the concept of a “gym” and look like they could be in print ad for American Apparel.  We get mad at them. Maybe you are one of them. Either way, they (you) prove this statement completely false. 

What does “you are what you eat” even correspond with?  

Body shape? I don’t see Paris Hilton morphing into phallus with a pomeranian. 

Personality? Jared from Subway doesn’t act like a boring foot long sub.  (Actually, he does.)

Anyway, my point is that, if the statement correlates on a physical level, maybe the correct statement is “you are HOW MUCH you eat.” 

That’s why you see the obesity shows on television where the poor soul is telling the doctor:

“But doc, all I eat is apples.”

“Frank, you can’t eat 46 of them.”

Calories are the body’s currency and you can’t go out and buy a flat screen at every business lunch.  My friends that eat pizza, gin and Sour Patch Kids?  That’s all they fucking eat.  2500 calories of pure shit, but it’s 2500 calories.  

“But they aren’t getting the right vitamins and minerals!” I hear you whining from the line at Whole Foods with your SUV in the parking lot.  

My answer?  No one wants to live that long anyway.

If people “were what they ate” then most of my friends would be fourth graders with a drinking problem and I would be a lesbian organic farmer in a small coastal town in Maine.  

Lesson?

Eat what you want.  As long as it’s not a person.

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