Maybe you had one. Maybe you didn’t. But not since “My Girl” (the first one) has the mood ring gotten any
kind of appreciation by the masses.
OK I get it. “They are Klunky” or the infamous “That is sooo 1969″. My response is “and not since 1969 have men been able to understand a woman’s mood.” Could you imagine having a mood indicator placed on your wife or girlfriend’s hand? It was the eternal “heads up, mood swing!” notification that we no longer have. Instead we are doomed to flail wildly in the dark through our significant other’s emotions, pretty much the same way we did the first time we had sex.
Understandably a modern mood ring would need a 21st century make over. The modern woman has a much wider and confusing array of emotions she is catapulted through on a daily basis. So I’ve created a new palette of colors for the modern mood ring.
NEEDY (Golden Rod)- You know this emotion well. If this is not a regularly occurring color on her ring, appease her and before you know it she will be in the pink (and so will you). If her ring is regularly this yellow hue, and she loves Coldplay, I would recommend cutting your loses.
BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IS TICKING (fuchsia/Blue)- This color starts showing up a lot during a woman’s mid to late twenties. If you are not ready for kids yet, and her ring is showing this color your best bet is to do something extremely gross to make it seem like you are not suitable to mate with. The fail safe is of course gas of any sort but if you need something stronger to tame the clock there is always a made up hereditary disease… try that one, let me know how it works.
HAPPY ENOUGH FOR SEX (Pink)- The not so coincidental color reference has been made so on to the important things. Any guy knows this color doesn’t show often, and when it does, you need to be ready to pounce. If her ring does turn pink, try gratuitous flattery and if that doesn’t seal and you are very desperate there is always making mention of her biological clock… because nothing puts women more in the mood than children, it’s a sick fact of life.
I’M WATCHING GREY’S (Periwinkle)- ABC has allotted the vast majority of men across this great nation an hour, two if she likes Ugly Betty, to be free again. If her ring turns periwinkle take advantage of some alone time. Call your friends, drink beer, be merry. She will never notice you were gone, just make sure you are back by ten… unless she likes Lipstick Jungle, then you get Thursday night to yourself!
PISSED AT SOMETHING ELSE (Clementine)- Don’t be an idiot, STAY AWAY. At this point she isn’t mad at you… yet. If you do get within speaking distance, just agree with everything she says. The woman at work really is a bitch and doesn’t know anything. Your mother didn’t teach you anything. And you are very lucky to be with her.
NOTHING YOU SAY IS RIGHT (Jade)- You’ve been here before. It’s like the last stage, only now she is mad at you. Don’t even nod this time, cause that is wrong too. Pray that if she ever gets caught in this color it’s a Thursday, cause at least you will get a break from it.
PMS (Tampax Red)- Not even Thursday can save you. Don’t let her actually ever see you, just leave small gifts and signs of affection around for her to find. This way she knows you care, but you can’t get caught up in the whirlwind that will inevitably be created by your insensitive comments about her weight. Why would you tell her she likes cheese cake? She is not fat!
I’m actually thinking about contacting some companies now. The question is whether or not you can actually get your lady friend to wear it, but I’ve already thought of this. I’ve been in talks with them, and you can now buy her a lovely three stone mood ring… at JARED.
He went to JARED.
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