Even in a post-gender world, there are odysseys that are singular to each sex. I would say child birth is uniquely female. Exotic organs. The watermelon and the marble. It’s all pretty epic. Miraculous even. BUT, to the credit of the male species, we have the growth of a beard. And while most women won’t give birth more than a few times during their life, the passage from Clay Aiken to Band of Horses is something that can be attempted monthly. And for a young man, still inexperienced in the ways of the hirsute world, it can be a trying venture often doomed from the start. Let us examine this journey. Note: mileage may vary based on lineage and testosterone levels.
A man very much at war with himself.
Day three:
Things are going excellent. You appear manlier than ever before. You feel manlier than ever before. You are smiling sandpaper. Day three is what Hugh Jackman is on when he graces the cover of your favorite vaguely-effete men’s magazine.
Day five:
Things have taken a grim turn. While the rest of your beard lags, the mustache region has bounded ahead. You look dirty. You feel dirty. It is best to coordinate day five with a weekend, a sick day or a long hike through the crags of Maine.
Day twelve:
Having passed its own awkward puberty, your beard is a serious addition to your face. People no longer wonder “is he growing a beard?” They know. And now it’s their task to respect and tolerate your choice, even if they don’t agree with it. This is the length at which patchiness is most apparent. It is also the stage at which a man may begin poking at his beard with his bottom lip or tongue. Just feeling things out. Just getting aquatinted with his new friend.
Days eighteen to seventy:
This is the long haul. The real deal. Any uneven color will start to become apparent. If you’re old, it’ll be gray. If you’re young, it’ll be a peachy soft pink/white. Either way, this is the marathon. Shaving your neck provides an outlet for frustration, but ultimately, it is a mental battle that most will lose. Unless you are lucky and the beard looks incredibly kick ass, its itchy, uneven presence will eventually wrench your sanity from its comfy seat, make you brooding and insecure, and force you to end your grand experiment.
But some day you will reconsider. You will buy a particularly manly shirt. You will wake up late and skip shaving. And then, against all odds, the journey will begin anew.
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