Most men, at one point or another, experiment with their facial hair.  It’s a fairly easy way to impermanently change your face.  We have short attentions spans, so you can understand how we might get sick of staring at that same ugly face day in and day out.  Every day, you wake up to piss, and there it is.  Your face, staring you square in the face.  Facial hair is a great way to break up the monotony that your face brings to the table.

The problem with all this facial hair experimenting isn’t how absurd you might look with “The Hitler”, instead it’s that no one realizes the true powers all of these experiments bring.

FACIAL HAIR GIVES YOU POWERS!

That’s right, I’ve said it. Now you’re all like “Well I have a seriously rugged beard, where are my powers?”  Facial hair won’t give you the power to leap buildings in a single bound or eat 7 saltines in under a minute, but some types can offer you some pretty cool power-ups none the less.  I’ll let you in on some of the secrets, but you are totally going to have to buy the book for the whole list.

Mustaches

You might be saying, “Hold on, Tom Selleck, mustaches are seriously outdated.” I would probably, on most days respond to that with “When you can pin as many tails to the wall as Tom Selleck, then you can talk to me.”  I mean honestly, that guy was seriously killin’ it in a bad way. Look at that picture.  I think that is a cordless phone on the beach.  You could not pull that off.  Don’t even try it.

Regardless, you can clearly see that the mustache can be used to your advantage.  That’s how Tom got the audition for “Magnum PI” in the first place. Can you say “mustache ride”?

Here is a list of a few of the possible options you have with your mustache and the skills they will afford you.

The Chevron

+6 cougar magnet, +8 plumbing knowledge, +3 love for spicy food, +8 chance of scoring with a girl who has daddy issues, +10 RACIAL AMBIGUITY!

-5 ability to get a bartender to acknowledge you

This mustache clearly has some serious advantages to it.  Most notable though is racial ambiguity.  The Chevron is not specific to any ethnicity, all races rock it equally. If you are ever traveling in a foreign country and feel as though you are standing out, just grow a Chevron and you will immediately blend right in.  It’s also useful if you are into cougars because it brings them back to the 70′s, however, if you grow a full-on bush then you can move the points up to a +12 cougar magnet.

The Horseshoe (not to be confused with it’s cousin the Fu Manchu)

+12 shut the hell up, +7 tolerance for fat chicks, +8 ability to do dares, +7 ability to see through a mechanics bullshit, +10 ability to wear flannel

-6 first impression, -6 you giving a shit what someone thinks

This is the mustache you grow when you just don’t feel like listening to people’s bullshit anymore. Maybe you just broke up with your girlfriend, and she really stomped a mud hole in your heart (that is how you would talk whilst wearing this mustache).  As a means to avoid all of the questions from random people about what happened, you can grow the Horseshoe.  Also handy for such occasions as a bachelor party or a camping trip because you can do pretty much any absurd dare with ease.  People won’t even try the line “you won’t do it!” anymore.  They will just look at your mustache and respond to themselves, if he is willing to look like that in public he will definitely sleep with “Big Betsy” over there.

There are literally tens, if not hundreds, or more ways to wear a mustache. Each way will offer you its own skill set.  As you can tell, the mustache sends very strong messages to people.  The value of the mustache comes from the fact that most adult males can grow one, and therefore have its powers poised on their top lip.  The Beard however, cannot be grown by just anyone, which means it carries an even stronger message to people you meet.

Beards

For some reason the hair on your lip grows much faster than the rest of your face, and for this reason you can grow a mustache fairly quickly.  A beard, however, requires a lot more of a serious commitment and fortitude of facial hair.  Here are a few options you have with a beard.

The Van Dyk

+11 powers of villainy, +8 chances of being foiled by someone of lesser intelligence, +13 ability to build excessively complex contraptions to solve simple problems

-12 general points for a pointy beard

This beard is great for taking care of some vengeful thoughts that you just haven’t had enough time to get around to.  You will be able to come up with an extremely extravagant and beautiful plan, but you should probably shave before executing it, because this beard also drastically increases your chances of being foiled.  You can work to avoid being foiled by watching and studying the entire Inspector Gadget cartoon series.  Dr. Claw was the king of being foiled, there is something to learn there.

The Old Dutch

+18 good at everything, +20 fertility, +12 hater magnet, +12 ability to slap a hater

This beard gives you some incredible powers and should not be taken lightly.  At first glance you might think that this beard would turn ladies off, but you would be very wrong.  Ladies love this.  But if you are among the group of men who can actually take advantage of this beard you have to be careful. This beard increases your fertility drastically, so you don’t want lots of extremely masculine and awesome children running around.  Well actually maybe you do.  I’m not sure. I’m not among the privileged group of men who can grow this feat of testosterone.  I can’t even grow a full beard yet so I’m actually still sterile.  It’s science.  To be fair though, you will attract a lot of haters with this beard, but just make an example of one or two of them and it will be smooth sailing from then on out.

Clearly facial hair has something major to offer, and should not be taken lightly.  There is a style for every occasion.  No job too big or small for a bad-ass mustache.  We’ve only seen the peak of the iceberg in terms of powers and we didn’t even get in to sideburns.  You can only imagine what can happen when you combine The Horseshoe with a serious pair of Mutton Chops. Wow! I’ve got goose bumps.

Whether or not you take advantage of this new found skill set is up to you.  No one will help you get creative or ingenuitive with your whiskers, but don’t doubt the power your gristle possesses.  Let’s just think back to a fat little Jewish boy who couldn’t find a date to save his life.  He didn’t know what he had to do to show the world all he had to offer.  And he had a lot to offer.  Well suffice it to say that that Jewish boy grew a mustache and instantly used it to catapult his career.  That boy is Ron Jeremy, and you too could have that level of success if you grow a mustache.  Trust me.

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