Along with the many cruel emotional and biological changes that arise during the three to five year period that we’ve deemed “puberty” (obviously named by people who were post this tumultuous time in life, because if the naming were left up to those actually experiencing the phenomenon I believe the title would be much darker) some of the cruelest and most permanent additions came from the outside. It was not the discovery of wiry thickets above our naughty bits and arm seams or the plague of pimples and pustules all over our bodies- no it was the individuals who observed these things and made them public.
Let’s be honest, during the heights, or better stated, lows of our evolution into adults, self-confidence was at an all time low. Regardless of social status, performance level or physic, we all had the fear. The fear that we would be found out. The fear that we would called out for anything that would make us stand out from the crowd in a negative way. Walking by certain groups of people we’d lower our eyes as to avoid notice or put on the fake smile to fake some confidence- all the while secretly hoping no one sees through us…
But someone, at some point, at some place- did. And we’ve never forgotten it.
On an average afternoon in Manhattan, these are the names, slurs and exposures that remain with some forever:
“Slats”- Jason (The Tall Kid)
“Chunk”- Stewart (The fat kid) His baby fat stayed around.
“The Lumberjack” -Josh (The Man Boy) The first guy in school to begin and first to complete the process.
“Spotty”- Scott (The Acne Boy)
“The Tuba”- Pete (His voice changed a little before the rest)
“Hey there Fuzzy Dice”- Mick (This is exactly the reason people shower with bathing suits on)
“You have a hairy Back” -Renae (a female)
“Hey fat boy” -Travis
“The Range” -Phil (The name given in reference to the mountain range of acne on his face)
“The Spillover” -Bill (In reference to the baby fat that remained and spilled over the front of his pants and sides)
“Big Red” – Gloria (A female…enough said)
“The blobject” -Sean (as Dane Cook put it, “not skinny, not fat, just…shapes”)
“The Goat” -David (Referring to an over-evolved member and one would think this would be a compliment but in eighth grade and full locker room pointing and laughing it’s not as great as one would imagine. Also, apparently goats have large penises)
After exposing their worst puberty moment, some said they felt better. Leave yours and revel in the fact you’re not alone.
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