Remember that scene in American Psycho when Patrick Bateman shows off his latest business card? He’s so proud. His name is printed on the finest quality paper, in the finest quality raised ink. It’s glistening. It’s reflective of the sun and the stars. It’s luminescent. And as he tells his colleagues, “It’s Bone.”
Maybe I’m not educated or sophisticated enough, but it looks white to me. And therein lies my rub. I hate “subtle sub-colors.” White is Bone. Red is Merlot. Blue is Cerulean. I’m getting married in October. My fiance picked our colors, Purple and Gold, or as she describes them, Plum and Champagne.
So I did some digging and discovered some other colors Patrick Bateman could have selected had he wanted something a little whitier than white…or bone.
SEASHELL
This shade provides whoever holds it with a calm, serene feeling. Like that of a sun-filled day on a tropical island.
COSMIC LATTE
Wikipedia says that this most magnificent shade was officially assigned to the color of the universe. However, do not make the mistake of opting for its less-than-stellar counterpart, Out-Of-This-World Venti Mochaccino.
KIDNAPPED BABY
The card that possesses this shade will make you scream…with envy. You’ll want to grab it, take it home, and share it with others as if it were your own.
ALBINO TRANNY
The ambiguous beauty of this shade will leave you guessing. Was it always this white? Is it even white at all? Is it even paper? Is it gay that I loved the way it felt in my hands?
JAPANESE CINEMA
Perfecting this shade is an ancient Far-East secret. Dozens of craftsmen spend hours preparing and applying it to its surface. The color pours over every inch of the card, literally splattering it whole with the best paints the Land of The Rising Sun has to offer.
Patrick Bateman could have had his pick of any of these cards, and so can you. I still say they’re all white. But what do I know? This is what my current business card looks like.
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