I was reading recently that during hard times deodorant sales drop off fairly significantly. As we watch our economy plummet, I realized that this is one of those times. As if an economic recession weren’t bad enough, we can now tack on a “Hygiene Recession”. It’s time to come to terms with the fact that we are going to start encountering offensive smells from friends and colleagues. Any congregation of people is going to smell like a 7th grade gym class. The only difference is that you’ve probably gotten fatter, sweat easier, and are a lot hairier than in 7th grade. Not just the guys. Ladies, razors are going to fit into the category of frivolities you can no longer afford. So it will probably be more like a 7th grade gym class somewhere in eastern Europe.
This evolution of our beauty standards will not stop there, oh no, when you are strapped for cash or unemployed, only the necessities can be afforded. This isn’t just a slump, we maybe transforming into the one thing we’ve tried so hard to avoid. We may be entering a metamorphosis into a Nation Of Hipsters. You might think this a bit of an exaggeration but consider these possible symptoms…
We stop wearing deodorant because it isn’t a necessity.
We start shopping at thrift stores. You try to justify it. “I’m just trying to live within my means.” But you already feel “Deck” and you don’t even know what it means.
We start cutting our own hair or having a friend do it. You say, “I can’t afford a professional, it’s outside my budget.” The problem is you think your new style is really tight, and feel like you are super edgy.
We start drinking cheap beer. Sure it’s called High Life, but you know it doesn’t taste a damn thing like champagne. If you resort to PBR it may already be too late.
We move into shitty apartments with lots of roommates. At first it was just an economical necessity. Now you can’t help but pretend you are in a youth hostile somewhere outside of Prague. You tell yourself you are getting culture, but it’s not culture when everyone looks like you and no one speaks Czech.
We have no job so we sit around and listen to Nick Drake and Jeff Buckley vinyls. You’ll think it is cathartic. You are just getting out all those emotions. You are connecting with the artists. Nick Drake killed himself.
We are angry at the rest of the world. You say its cause no understands you, and how complex you are. The truth is you just became a hipster and isolated yourself.
Normally I am all about starting the revolution, because, at least in my head, it starts with getting naked.
This however is not that type of revolution. You thought Bush was bad? Think about the terror that a nation filled with hipsters would bring. We’d all be forced to grow ironic mustaches and wear absurd glasses. Our flag would be NEON… and our foreign policy would be to send nations mix tapes that evoke just the right emotions to indicate our, albeit vague, position on their political policies.
The mix for Israel would go something like this… (Click to listen)
1 ) Partie Traumatic – Black Kids
2 ) Stab City – As Tall As Lions
3 ) Wolf Like Me – TV On The Radio
4 ) Bruises – Chairlift
5 ) Dickhead – Kate Nash
6 )Hunting For Witches – Bloc Party
7 ) Lost Cause – Beck
8 ) Bankrupt On Selling – Modest Mouse
9 ) Kids – MGMT
10 ) Hang Me Out To Dry – Cold War Kids
11 ) Fancy Footwork – Chromeo (obligatory dance song)
12 ) Back In Your Head – Teagan And Sara
An easily deciphered message to any foreign ambassador. This clearly lets them know that their current conflict with Palestine is not cool and that they recommend everyone grabs a PBR.
The point is we are headed down the wrong path America, and we need to straighten out. Even as the recession strengthens its Kung-Fu grip, fight the urge to become a Hipster. If you want to start a revolution do it the old fashioned way… With a tea party. Leave the slim jeans and the messenger bags to professionals, like this guy.
Browse Timeline
- « Crevasse
- » Science Says
blog comments powered by Disqus
Loading ...
Comments ( View Comments )
Add a Comment