March 13, 2009
Samantha K. Umbredge
Server
Slappy’s All-American Spaghetti Bar
Dear Mr. Slapolski,
As much as I have come to love my experience and all of the wonderful people at Slappy’s, I’ve been offered another position which I simply cannot pass up. Therefore, I am submitting this letter as my official resignation, effective immediately.
I apologize for the abrupt nature of my departure but I could only accept this new position if I began Monday morning.
Thank you for the wonderful opportunities you have provided me. I will always look back on my time at Slappy’s as a happy one.
Sincerely,
Samantha Kyleen Umbredge
PS: While preparing the tray for today’s raviolis, I had to stand on the counter and above the burner to reach for a new jar of Marinara. If you happen to come across it, could you please return my diaphragm?
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May 14, 2009
Frederick W. Portnoir
President
Tuckahoe Financial
Dear TF team,
As you all know, some recent allegations have been made about my character. I feel the best course of action is for me to step down immediately and deal with the matter in private, protecting Tuckahoe Financial from any further public scrutiny.
I cannot begin to describe how much it pains me to be leaving all of you wonderful, hardworking individuals. I am so proud of what you all have accomplished. Please continue to make Tuckahoe Financial the best it can be.
Sincerely,
Frederick Walker Portnoir
PS: I would like to once again stress that I made the decision to promote Joffrey De La Puerta to the position of Vice-President because of his work ethic and dedication to the company, NOT because of his sweet, sweet balloon knot.
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November 12, 2009
Kenneth T. Duggan
Stock Boy
Febkin Family Footwear
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Febkin,
Since you refuse to believe that I did not sexually assault your daughter in the stock room, I must submit this letter of resignation.
I am deeply hurt that you would even think that I could be capable of such behavior. I have been nothing but a model employee, as well as a friend to your family, for the last 23 months.
I truly thought our relationship was a closer one. Regardless, thank you for the employment opportunity you gave me.
Sincerely,
Kenneth Tanner Duggan
PS: I take all that back. Screw you both. I grabbed her ass. It was for her own good. That’s the most action she’ll see till she’s forced to pay a day laborer named Ernesto for a diddle behind the Dairy Queen. You two hereditarily ruined her. Your whole family has the combined sex appeal of a pre-teen snuff film.
Get AIDS,
Kenny
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August 31, 2009
Robert B. Johns
Sales Assistant
Parzoni’s Printer Palace
Dear Mr. Parzoni,
Please accept this letter as formal notification that I am leaving my position with your Printer Palace on September 15.
Thank you for the opportunities you have provided me during my time with the company. If I can be of any assistance during this transition, please let me know.
Sincerely,
Robert Baskin Johns
PS: Should you have me train my replacement within these next two weeks, my only request is that it not be a Jew.
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