Regarding first dates, a wise man on the internet once wrote: “Be funny, bring money.”  The combination of paying for cool stuff while saying cool stuff is pretty much all it takes.  But in case you’re some kind of social masochist that loves the smell of flushed, embarrassed flesh, here are some spots to get awkward.

LENSCRAFTERS

Giggling and laughing while putting cute little frames on cute little faces sounds like it could be a good idea, but it won’t go like that.  You’ll take turns sitting in a small dark room with a sorta-doctor.  You’ll compare prescriptions.  You’ll lament the age of the magazines.  And while you’ll have accomplished something, you’ll choose to move on with your lives separately.

A LANDFILL

“But think about how much cool stuff there is in a landfill!” you’ll sell.  And a few chardonnays in, with the sun just starting to slip below the horizon, she’ll agree.  Only, it won’t be like that; it will be a Saturday morning spent on a massive pile of stinking, gull-circled muck, punctuated by rusted-out Fords.  Unbridled enthusiasm resulting in the discovery of a piece of jewelry is your only hope, and even then, the cartons of rotting condoms will doom you no matter what.

A MATTRESS STORE

Actually, this might be a good one.

YOUR GYM’S POOL

You’ve never been to your gym’s pool, but maybe now, with a glimmer of hope for companionship in your life, is the time.

No it’s not.

It’s too warm.  It’s too dark.  You’re surrounded by old people.  It’s the opposite of glamor.  It’s romalg.  Which sounds Norwegian.

And that’s fitting, because no Norwegian would ever go out with you.

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