iPhones have drastically changed the way we communicate. More importantly, they have changed the way we spend our idle time. For those of us who own iPhones, there is never a dull moment. I do not own one, but have seen the antisocial-socializing toll first hand through my best friend’s recent purchase of one of the little fuckers. Now, I am looking for a new best friend. I sit there, watching Jeopardy with a ghost, a witness to this toy-for-adults movement that is sweeping through the great digital media age. In this new odyssey of the 21st century, the iPhone represents the Sirens – so beautiful, so irresistible, luring us in, leaving us dead. We have yet to hit the rocks. Rest assured, it is coming.
Of all the iPhone’s features, none is more intriguing than the “app”. It is the ultimate incorporation of technology with third party creativity. However, the app – bathed in the guise of functionality – is destroying our ability to do numerous things including, but not limited to, the following:
Enjoy five minutes of down time
Trust our intuition
Count
Cross the street
Bullshit about NFL statistics
Love animals
But what is the societal net gain from the app? Does it do more harm than good? Only time will tell. For now, it appears to do nothing but solve problems.
Looking for a restaurant?
There’s an app for that.
Want to know how much to tip?
There’s an app for that.
Want to find a bowling alley?
There’s an app for that.
Stranded on an island and need to fire a signaling flare?
There’s an app for that.
Best places to drop a body?
There’s an app for that.
Need to reapply self-tanner while watching/rewinding a VHS?
There’s an app for that.
Have you eaten too many sour patch kids and your tongue is raw and you wonder how long it is going to last?
There’s an app for that.
Want to find out how many people are committing adultery at this very moment in your zip code?
There’s an app for that.
Apps. Apps. Apps. What are we really solving? The problem for people who have iPhones is that they never have any time to let their mind wander. They won’t ever solve any big problems because they are too busy solving the small ones. I don’t think Einstein would have been able to come up with the theory of relativity if he was playing cube runner, tweeting about his breakfast cereal and checking the level of all the picture frames in his office. Then again, if he was doing those things, we might not have discovered the atomic bomb. Good or bad? You be the judge.
Apps allow us to dodge the question. What do I want to do? Let’s ask the iPhone. What do I think about something? Hold on, I have to “slide to unlock”. What are my thoughts about Summer Camp? They don’t have an app for that yet.
Human logic is a double-edged sword. Maybe iPhone apps just make both sides of that blade a little more dull.
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