Growing up we didn’t have the privilege of having swine flu, all we had was Flu-Regular, it’s crazy how far the world has come in just a few short years.

Along side this evolution of the flu we’ve also seen an evolution in other aspects of society.  We saw colas evolve to include only 1 calorie.  We saw Tyler Perry evolve from a no-name writer to someone the entire country can hate equally. We saw yogurt evolve into a pouch you can take on the go.  We saw the internet evolve beyond just a series of tubes.  We saw Dominos evolve into a place where no one actually wants to eat anymore.  But more importantly, and relevant to this title piece, we saw the news media evolve into a friend that no one likes because they are always gossiping about things they don’t know about and freaking you out over nothing but you still hang out with for reasons far beyond you. And breathe.

OK so the point of that tangent, however mixed up it may be, is that the news has gotten crazy good at freaking people out.  Now in most cases it’s over stupid shit like “Studies show a resurgence in scurvy.” People will chat about it at the water cooler, maybe drink a glass of orange juice, and leave it at that.  But  every once in a while the media knocks it out of the park with an idea that spreads like lice in grammar school and totally scares the entire world.  Swine Flu is one of those cases.  The question is, are they doing us a favor or are they giving us a metaphorical oil check if ya catch my drift?

Here is a hypothetical that I’ve been working out and I’m pretty sure we can blame it all on Sanjay Gupta because what kind of name is that anyway?  Plus he is so devilishly good looking. Here goes:

CNN caused mass hysteria by reporting the threat of an impending Swine Flu pandemic essentially 24 hours a day for weeks at a time.  Everyone in the country heard about this with the exception of Perez Hilton because he had a dicks in his ears.  Once they found out that the Swine Flu was spreading they became extremely fearful of contact with other humans and began spending all non working hours at home.  This lack of exposure to other women meant that men were actually finding their wives attractive again and began propositioning them for “Adult Time.”  Now because the men had been staying at home they had to do stuff around the house like take out the garbage and clean the gutters and stuff.  Women totally get turned on by house work so they were willing to put up with their husbands getting all sweaty up on them.  This re-ignited a passionate cycle of cleaning and love making that this country hadn’t seen since the introduction of the pine-sol lady.

It’s been almost three weeks now since the Swine Flu hysteria began, and that means there has been a lot of love making going down.  Love making we can thank CNN for.  That said, to date there have only been a couple hundred deaths from Swine Flu based on my Google searches, but I am willing to bet a lot of money that there will be a spike in the birth rate happening around late January. 9 months after the Swine Flu.

CNN averted what could have been a terrible pandemic by scaring the living shit out of the entire world, but they wouldn’t stop there.  They got the entire country having sex on freshly moped floors and actually created a potential increase in population because of the Swine Flu….  CNN may have cause the next baby boom!  That my friends is why Swine Flu is for lovers.

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