In life there are a ton of things worth celebrating, but not many that people are willing to celebrate with you. For example, if you’ve ever been constipated for a week, that first sign of movement is very much worth celebrating. However, I highly doubt anyone is going to bake you a high fiber cake and throw you a “Potty Party”.

For some reason, though, people are willing to celebrate graduations. And this raises the question “Why?”

In my life I’ve had a lot of graduations. But what exactly did they all mean for me as a person?

1) St. Andews Musical Pre-School – Graduated with honors in triangle and safety scissors.
2) St. Marie’s Kindergarten – Still couldn’t read my diploma, but that didn’t mean we weren’t going to throw a killer party.
3) Babysitters Course – I learned exactly how to save an imaginary child from choking on an imaginary chunk of steak in an imaginary building that was burning down from an imaginary fire. I never actually babysat anyone other than my brother and sisters, and I would have let them choke on the real steak.
4) D.A.R.E – I learned that all the ways to avoid being caught with drugs in the event I ever decided to pick up a black tar heroin habit. I haven’t yet, but those are life skills.
5) Parker-Varney Elementary School – I learned that holding hands can’t get you pregnant but can lead to sexually transmitted diseases such as the rhinovirus or flu. I also learned that wearing suspenders was asking for it.
6) Summerbridge (Program for accelerated inner city youth) – I learned that I was smart enough but too poor for private school.
7) G.R.E.A.T (Gang Related Education And Training) – I learned that I was too much of a pussy to survive a jump in ritual, but that if I avoided joining a gang I could look forward to a middle management position at a grocery or hardware store. That is great indeed.
8 ) Parkside Middle School – I learned that anyone can be cool as long as they are dressed accordingly.
9 ) Manchester High School West – I learned that if you only intend to go to a state school there is no real need for students to apply themselves. I learned that this also holds true for teachers as well.
10) Red Cross Life Guard Course – I learned that you’re pretty much a goner if you ever drown at a pool I’m guarding. I also learned that with the right sunglasses it’s impossible to tell if someone is awake or asleep.
11) University of Connecticut – I learned that education at all levels is standardized. I also learned that four shots of espresso and four shots of hard liquor taken in succession will turn anyone into a monster.
12) VCU Brandcenter – I learned that binge working naturally leads to binge drinking. And that’s OK.

So as you can see, I’m extremely accomplished. No, really, my mother is so fucking proud it’s ridiculous. But I would hope that you can also see that most graduations don’t mean much of anything.
The truth is, a graduation is merely society’s way of saying congratulations for taking the road more traveled. Congrats on doing things the safer way. “Way to do things the way we approve of. Let’s have an awkward BBQ.” That’s not to say it’s a bad thing to graduate, it’s just to say that it doesn’t say much about you as a person. Graduations are merely a ceremony saying “you’ve made it this far, we’re as surprised as you are!”

For this reason, I’d rather give up graduations all together. I’d rather accelerate than graduate. If I say that I’m a College Accelerate it lets you know that I’m picking up steam in life. It references the idea that I’m building on to what I already have. For example, I could use the knowledge I attained from G.R.E.A.T to work my way in to a gang. Then using my knowledge from D.A.R.E I could establish a solid drug ring. The Brandcenter would then allow me to establish the gang within the community for our own differentiated brand of drugs and develop brand equity. See where I’m going with this?

At the end of the day, you may not agree with me. Maybe you love graduations more than tweens love horror movies. Maybe you feel like you are validated by your diplomas. Maybe you just love any excuse for old people and young people to awkwardly socialize in the middle of the day over bowls of dip, cans of “Mountain Lightning” and party napkins with mortar boards on them. I don’t blame you, and the cards with money in them aren’t bad either.

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