Pedro The Angry, Personal Real Estate-Obsessed Bastard Penguin: A Bedtime Story With a Moral
This is the story of Pedro the Penguin.
Pedro wasn’t just any Penguin. Pedro was an Emperor Penguin.
Like all the other Emperor Penguins, Pedro lived in the coldest place on earth.
The place was called Antarctica.
From the day he was born, Pedro looked just like all the other penguins.
But there was something different about him.
Pedro was an angry penguin.
It was a trait inherited from his father, Pablo Penguin, who left home before Pedro was even born.
If Pablo Penguin had been a man, he would have been the type of man who had a serious drinking problem, beat his wife, and frequented $30 prostitutes in Albuquerque motel rooms.
But since he was a penguin, his behavior was just the result of a chemical imbalance in his brain.
And he had never been anywhere near Albuquerque.
Anyway, Pedro was a mean little bastard.
He enjoyed pushing all the other penguins around, especially when they got too close to him.
You see, Pedro was very territorial.
He was, as they called it, “personal real estate-obsessed.”
And the one thing the other penguins learned quick was, you don’t fuck with Pedro’s personal real estate.
Wherever he was standing or wanted to be standing, it was his spot.
“Yo mothafucka,” Pedro would often squawk, when another penguin was in a spot he wanted. “You best be getting yo’ furry ass off ma’ personal real estate.”
Sometimes he added the characterization of “bitch” to the end of those sentences.
This went on season after season, year after year.
Every day Pedro would be mean and territorial, and every day the other penguins would scurry out of the way and take the abuse.
Until one day a brave young penguin, several years younger than Pedro, decided to take a stance.
His name was Pepe.
It was a name the other penguins would come to remember for many year later.
One day in late September, as the drips of the icicles signaled the end of the harsh winter, Pepe put together a posse of five of his finest penguins.
And together they fucked Pedro’s shit up.
For nearly two hours, they beat him senselessly.
When he cried out, they beat him harder.
Only when he stopped struggling did they finally get off him.
And so, weakened and bloodied, Pedro stumbled from his precious personal real estate, and toppled, exhausted, into the water.
Then Pedro got eaten by a seal.
THE END.
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