The worst part about real estate is the real estate agent.  They are the conniving, manipulating, used care salesmen of the subdivision.  I mean really, they’re probably worse.  Think about it, used car salesmen are widely disliked.  In every poll that asks “what is the least trusted profession,” you can always find them at the top.  Real estate agents, for all intents and purposes, are using the exact same play book, only they are scamming you out of way more money! That actually needs some additional exclamations!!!!

Have you ever watched HGTV… I mean… whatever, there are some good shows.  The reason the shows are good is because they teach you all of the little lame tricks the real estate agents have up their sleeves.  For example, if your car were scratched a used car salesman might cover it up with nail polish.  Not a long term repair, but hopefully you don’t notice the damage before you purchase.  If the grout on your tile is moldy or mildewy your real estate agent will tell you to use grout paint.  Not a long term repair, but hopefully you don’t notice the damage before you purchase.  Just watch a show like “Flip This House” and you will never want to buy a home.  I’m recommending HGTV shows, what has my life come to?

With all that said, In the old days claiming property was a whole hell of a lot easier.  You stuck a flag in it. Mine.  It was the original calling of “shotgun”, only with massive amounts of land.  “Ooooh, that’s a nice plot of land, let me claim it with this stick and fabric.”  And this worked with just about anything, we’re even talking celestial bodies here, I mean the U.S claimed the entire moon with this method!  So this got me to thinking, what other methods could we use, instead of real estate agents and brokers to gain property.  Here is my list.

Stickers – It’s like a modern day sticky vinyl version of a flag.  This is actually how I claimed this computer I’m typing on right now.   I highly recommend this technique.

Tagging – What better way to say something is yours than to vandalize it?

Pee On It – An oldie but a goody, this technique has worked for millennia. No one want’s anything else I pee on.  Let’s keep this one alive.

Family Double Dare – We could think of Mark Summers as a sort of real estate judge.  If you want to own a property you can offer up a “Physical Challenge” to the current owner.  Just hope they get the nose, no one ever finds the flag up the nose.

Rock Paper Scissors – No fairer method exists than best two out of three.  Plus, I think Meatloaf wrote this song about it so it must be legitimate.  The guy is a genius.

Staring Contest With Current Property Owner – Your whole life you may have thought that wearing contacts was a disadvantage… not anymore.

Write A Fake Contract – It worked for the Jews, it can work for you too!  Though trying to get a whole country may result in years of religious war.  Start small, try a duplex first.

Dance Off – This only works if you got game!

Pogs – If this could settle most childhood disputes between the years 1994 and 1996 then I think it could settle a simple real estate dispute.

Wizards Duel? – I don’t know, I was pulling at straws by this point in the list making process.  But hey, maybe it works for you?  I don’t know. I don’t know what fucked up things your in to.

Regardless of which one of these real estate garnering techniques you decide to use, they are all better than the standard method of using a real estate agent.  Unless of course that real estate agent was Mike O’Malley, and the way that all claims and disputes were settles was via the AGROKRAG or the SUPER AGROKRAG or the MEGA AGROKRAG depending on which season of Guts you prefer  (I think he get’s drunker as they go along).  Look at it this way, every contract signed also comes with “A glowing piece of the radical rock!”  And I think that would make it worth it for me.

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