Growing up I believed a lot of stupid shit. I believed a fat white man broke in to my house and left me gifts and didn’t take my T.V. I believed that there was a secret portal at the top of my closet that was connected to a secret dojo of ninja stealth assassins. I believed that Ross Perot was a legitimate presidential candidate committed to America. I believed that Linda Ellerbee was a legitimate journalist (and still do). I believed that dogs made babies from their butts. And I believed that when it rained outside it was because god was crying.
Now I’m not sure where this last idea came from, and clearly it wasn’t the most absurd thing I believed in, but it is clearly the most perplexing. It is confusing because if that were true then there are implications that I totally ignored. For example, in the spring why was God such a whiny bitch? How did he stay so strong in the summer? And most importantly, if he was creating tears, where the hell were the rest of his body parts?
That got me thinking. I’m an adult now, but I’m not too old to enjoy a good hypothetical game. It’s like “would you rather or Marry/Fuck/Kill” except you are assigning an anatomy to the All Mighty himself. So I decided to indulge in the game and this is what I came up with: God’s anatomy, from asshole to elbow.
God’s Asshole – Geyser (You don’t fart rainbows?)
God’s Tears – Rain
God’s Tear Ducts – Clouds
God’s Heartburn – Volcanoes
God’s Period – Red Tide
God’s Vagina – Grand Canyon
God’s Penis – Tornado (If you see it, you’re fucked)
God’s Orgasm – Earthquake (No picture necessary)
God’s Armpit – New Jersey
God’s Elbow – Owen Wilson’s Nose
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