I hate awards, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. I’m a firm believer in the adage “give credit where credit is due,” but I’m afraid that isn’t what awards and ceremonies successfully accomplish.
Aside from keeping caterers in business serving stale cookies and cubed cheese (which I’ve never really understood), award ceremonies don’t offer much positive contribution. Now, you might be slamming your fist on your desk as you read this yelling “My ‘Lifetime Achievement Award’ from Blockbuster Video was well earned!” You know what? Maybe you’re right, and maybe the award for ‘Best Cubicle Decorator’ is undisputed as well, but that’s neither here nor there. The point I want to make is that awards cause far more strife than positive emotion.
If you’ve ever won an award, you are familiar with that incredible rush of hollow emotions that washes over you when they call your name out. The excitement of being handed a piece of paper with your name on it, signed by someone important… Well, rubber stamped by someone’s important secretary anyway. The sheer elation of taking thirty seconds, time permitting, to give obligatory thanks to people who didn’t really help, but you feel the need to thank someone as not to seem unappreciative. This is, clearly, an incredible time for the award winners, but what about those award nominees or as they will undoubtedly quietly call themselves after the ceremony, “Award Losers?”
You see, while the victory from awards isn’t all that sweet, the taste of defeat is all too bitter. As an Award Loser you get to see, in a completely public setting, your inadequacies laid out on the table. In case you had ever wondered if Steve was better than you, now you know, unequivocally, that he is. Because he is, as the 
Award Winner, going home with a little piece of paper he can show his kids that says he is the best. You, as the Award Loser, are going home with a cheap wine buzz and clearly your kids have seen that before.
Now the important thing here is that nothing has changed. If Steve really is better than you, he was before the entire world recognized it. And you are not suddenly less gifted at what this award is celebrating – you were always an incredible gift wrapper, you were built for speed, you are just not as good as Steve… It’s like he has ribbons coming out of his finger tips.
But there are three other people that feel as bad as you about not winning this award, and their kids hate them even more than yours hate you. So you have to ask yourself, what has this award accomplished? Steve always knew he was the best and didn’t really care either way about this award, but four people are now left feeling like shit about themselves and there is a ridiculous catering bill. Begs the question, do we even need awards at all? You be the judge… Get it, cause awards need judges. I get the pun award. Losers.
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