Every once in a while in life you are struck with a moment of clarity. A pulsating second where everything makes sense. A tiny fragment that swells from the lucidity it brings. In an instant your life has meaning. It’s like all those thoughts that never quite made sense snap into place. As if every thought you ever had were a Tetris piece. The ones that don’t click, add up and create a jumbled mess that you can’t fit together. And in an instant one thought falls into place and creates a cascade that clears up that jumbled mess of wrong moves. Your head is clear, you see everything for what it is, you move on to the next level. I don’t think I would go as far as to call it transcendence, but at least true comprehension. I just had one of those moments.
My life. The way I see the world. The way I interact with my environment. Is Jazz.
Free flow. Improv. Unplanned. Impulsive. Full of mistakes that ultimately lead in a new direction.
I’ve been both blessed and cursed with ADHD. A simple mutation in my brain that leads to a dramatic perception shift in the world outside my brain.
Many times in my life it’s been an added burden to the already complex interactions that foster and nurture social and romantic relationships. For the obvious reasons; a flighty, at times disconnected train of thought, unpredictable physical contact and a generally uninhibited nature. For all of these reasons, close relationships have been fewer because of the added patience it requires of others, but thankfully they’ve been much richer for that reason as well.
That’s all interesting, but the positive aspects of my ADHD are where the moment of clarity came from.
I live every second of my life in that exact moment in time it happens. In the now. I don’t really plan for anything beyond setting my alarm at night for the next morning. This might seem haphazard and callously careless to some or might cause others to panic from the lack of forethought but I absolutely love every second of it. Every moment of my life is exciting because I never really see it coming. I mean, I know that each moment will happen like the one before it, I possess logic, but I don’t think about it until it happens. There is a brand new excitement in every second. It’s like I’m a good kid, and never peek at my presents before Christmas morning and every moment brings me a shiny new Red Ryder BB Gun.
That’s jazz. My life is jazz. It is improv. I act in each moment based on what is happening then. I use all the information my senses feed me and I make instant decisions creating combinations of sounds and behaviors that are all brand new. That’s jazz. That’s behavioral improv. And I love it. I can be totally elated in a single moment and be totally devastated the next. I can laugh with my whole body only to turn around and cry with my whole heart.
Even this random blurp of thoughts typed out on my computer is just free flowing thought. And for your enjoyment, and my sanity, I hope it’s coherent. But if it’s not, it’s still jazz. My life is jazz and I love it. Even if I don’t like jazz music.
Browse Timeline
blog comments powered by Disqus
Loading ...
Comments ( View Comments )
Add a Comment