1.

I sat outside the strip club with Bruce, the bouncer.  I had already been in.  Got a twelve-dollar beer.  Got a lap dance.  Got the free mouth wash in the bathroom.  Tipped the blind guy who kept the sinks clean.

“Don’t fucking throw up on me, or I will whoop your honky ass,” Bruce said.
“What?”
“I said, I’ve seen five of you guys come out of the this place and throw up everywhere.  You’re the only one who hasn’t thrown up yet. ”
“I’m fine.  I’m not even with those guys.  They are a bunch of lawyers from downtown.  They were in the there celebrating how one of them made partner.  They bought everybody shots, kept talking about their wives.”
“Those guys are married?”

My phone rang.

“Wait a minute, I have to answer this.”

2.

I had been sitting at home for the entire evening.  This was the third time Jared had gone hunting for earthworms at night.  Yes, I was three months pregnant.  Yes, I watched reruns of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.  Yes, I ate the Breyers in the garage freezer.  It was Friday.  I was alone, and he wouldn’t answer his phone.  I sat there.  I sat there looking at my signed picture of Pat Sajak and his dimples.  I would have been a really good Vanna White, not because I would be good at turning letters, but because, like her, I have a beautiful, birth-given stage name – Stacy Osgold.

If Jared won’t answer his phone, then I will stay here in the bathroom and practice my poses.  Wait a minute, did I leave the oven on?

3.

I hadn’t seen Bruce in days.  Drinking, smoking, always working at the club.  Three days til the court case and we still didn’t know what we’re gonna do.  The hot peanuts made my temples sweat.  Wasn’t good with this July heat. The pears were bruising.  They weren’t even my pears.  They were Bruce’s.  My phone rang.

“Hello.”
“Hey.”
“When are you coming home?
“I don’t fucking know.  I got lawyers throwing up all over the parking lot, a limousine just blew a flat in a handicap space and I still have diarrhea from your mom’s lasagna.”
“You went back for seconds.”
“So a man should be punished for wanting more food?”
“Call me when you get home.”
“No, wait a minute, what are you doing?”

4.

I had worked at the firm for seven years.  Pricks, all of them, except my boys.  We we’re all jazzed up and ready to hit the town.  It was my birthday, and Shannon had given me a free night with the boys.  We were going to the strip club, Dollbabes – the one out by the freeway.  We were gonna get wicked fucked up and bring home some stink to the Ramada.

I hit the bouncer in the face with the bottle.  He pushed me because I had thrown up on a limousine.  It had a flat tire.  It wasn’t going anywhere.  He took me by surprise.  When I punched him, all of the blood went on the guy next to him.  It got all over his phone.  The bouncer fell to the ground and shit his pants.

“What the fuck did you just do?” said my boy.
“He’s fine, just wait a minute.”

5.

I walked in the house at 4 AM.  She wasn’t happy.  She had glitter on her face.  I could tell she had been practicing her poses again.

“How many worms did you get tonight?”
“About twenty.”
“Why are you covered in blood?”
“Because a few exploded.”
“Exploded?”
“Yeah.”
“So, let me get this straight.  You went out hunting for earthworms at midnight.  It took you four hours to find twenty, except for a couple that exploded on you?”
“I’ve got to go the bathroom.  Wait a minute.”

6.

When I got to the house the entire thing had been engulfed in flames.  No one had a chance.  Smoke poured out and some papers were blown out of the hole in the kitchen.  As I sat there watching the rookies control the spread, a piece of paper fell into my hands.  It was a signed 8 x 10 of Pat Sajak.  My wife loved Pat Sajak.  She was going to love this.  It was in fine shape, a little warm yes, but in fine shape.  I folded it and put it in my pocket.  After an hour the fire still raged and I had a thought, I said, wait a minute, did my wife like Pat Sajak or Alex Trebek?

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