Posted on 08.12.09 to Fruits and Vegetables by Sarah Pappalardo

Fruits and Vegetables: A Cornerstone of the Death Panel

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Dead socialists hate the living.

For once, Sarah Palin is right. Death panels are a reality in the United States.

Diet fads have come and gone, but fruits and vegetables are always high on the list of good things to eat. Turns out, fruits and vegetables have been keeping an eye on us. Nature has been death paneling all over the place, killing unproductive members of society for centuries, because Nature’s death panel hates you and your fat. Fruits and vegetables are the only sacrifice we can make to this fickle panel of dead socialists.

We don’t need more government workers for a new death panel; nature does it for us. If you eat enough steaks and subsequent shakes, nature will kill you. But there’s hope: turns out, the death panel loves fresh peaches. The more people eat unrefined, whole foods, the less likely we are to die a vicious, gangrenous death, like Nick Jonas.*

Nature’s death panel has been violently unfair to the living, deciding who will live or die based on “genetics” and “lifestyle.” Didn’t like calcium-rich spinach so much? Death. Liked orange juice but hated the fiber-filled orange? Death. Bacon? Super death. You get the idea. Nature will kill you way before the government does.

*Nick Jonas actually has Type 1 diabetes, which means that he didn’t get diabetes from eating too many McGriddles. He is also not dead. He will die someday.