There is a silent war going on under your feet.  It’s a slow war. A war that has lasted millenia.  A war so slow and boring you would have thought Michael Bay directed it.  But… No explosions, so that is clearly not possible.  No, this is a war fought in our mouths. (She never said that.) The vegetable’s war against the humans. A war to avoid being eaten.

Vegetables are slow.  They’re susceptible to diseases.  They are the only thing in the world that could be killed by a caterpillar.  In general, they are pretty much just huge pussies.  If they went to elementary school they would go commando due to the amount of tearing they invariably would have already incurred in their grundle/taint regions from excessive wedgies.  They are just easy targets.

With all that said, you are probably wondering how this war is going down?  What are the vegetables’ secret tactics?  The answer is shit.  They were trying to taste like it.  Over centuries they had evolved to smell and taste awful.  It was an ingenious plan.  Some even escaped the mouths of the masses.  Take lima beans and brussell sprouts for example.  Warriors so disgusting, even hardened vegetarians wouldn’t eat them.  They assumed that no one would want to eat shit.  And they were right.  They almost won the war.

But Humans got wise to this, the vegetables’ plan.  And they were hungry, because the obesity rates were skyrocketing.  So they invented ranch dressing.  A savory syrup, creamy and delicious enough to mask the taste of even the foulest of vegetables.  If things were bad for veggies before ranch dressing…they were badder after.  Humans claiming to “eat healthy” drenched entire gardens in the dressing.  Slaughter in tortilla bowls.  Entire lunch menus dedicated to this gruesome killing.  We were actually tripling our caloric intake, but we didn’t care, we were “watching what we ate!”  Evil, thy name is SALAD!

Ranch dressing, however, was just the beginning.  Today vegetables stand little chance.  As if they weren’t weak enough, scientists have completely taken control of the one chance they had left to save themselves.  Their genetics.  Sexual selection.  The plan that took a millennia to execute, to taste absolutely awful, was thwarted in decades by small, nerdy, shapeless little men and women in white lab coats.  Somewhere these nerds are slowly reversing the the shit taste.  Within a few short years vegetables may actually taste good.  A few more years after that… potentially delicious!  If they can make an avocado taste like bacon, what can’t they do?

In the end, there is little we can do to stop the mass murder of vegetables.  And to be honest, no one really cares to.  Vegetables are kind of annoying and never really contribute much to conversation.  But, if you had to be a vegetable, be a cucumber, they gets all the ladies.

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