Everyone wants to be the best at something. Anything. “I’m the fastest orange peeler.” You’d proudly tell your friends. “I can unload the dishwasher in under thirty seconds.” You’d tout to your friends, likely impressed at your inane abilities.
The truth of the matter is, none of us are all that GREAT. In the truest sense of the word anyway. Of course we all have our own skill set of things were pretty good at. Some might even say proficient (those people are assholes, stick with pretty good.) What we don’t realize is that being pretty good at something is good enough. The limit to our abilities is actually a gift. In truth being a prodigy actually sucks… Kinda hard, honestly. It comes with more baggage than a first date with Kate Gosselin. Now you’re probably all like “You’re A Big Fuckin’ Idiot! I want to be a prodigy.” Because I knew you were going to be all bitchy like that, you’re so predictable, I’ve compiled the top 5 reasons why being a prodigy SUCKS HARD. Enjoy.
ONE/// You’re Defined By What You’re Great At
Congratulations, you’re a prodigy. Maybe you’re great at bowling. I mean really great, not like Wii Bowling great. But now you’re that guy, the bowling guy. Sweet. People ask you questions like “You must love The Big Lebowski.” Well of course you love The Big Lebowski, it’s an incredible film, it has nothing to do with the fact that you love bowling. Bowling was a tertiary character in that movie at best. But you are that guy. People will look confused when you aren’t wearing bowling shoes. Ask why your name isn’t embroidered into your shirt? You’ve been Pegged.
TWO/// You Can’t Fuck Up
You’ve set the bar pretty high. You are legit. The real deal. People expect you to act as such. You can’t have an off day. So what if you’re wife left you because you were “just a bowler!” You can’t be distracted. You need to be bringing the pain to those lanes. Smokin’ those pins. An 8? What? Not even. They came to see strikes. And that’s what you have to give them.
THREE/// You Suck At Everything Else
At least as compared to bowling. You’re an OK dancer. A fair to mediocre lover, as expressed by that cheating bitch of a wife. You’ve tasted greatness, and it tasted like stale popcorn and deodorant spray. The rest of your life feels that much more mediocre. Of course you could always entertain delusions that your one truly great skill raises you above the rest of the world, but you know the truth. You are “just a bowler!”
FOUR/// No One Likes You
No really… NO ONE. No one likes losing, and you beat everyone. You’ve heard the saying misery loves company? Well all the losers you beat are going out for drinks later and you’re not invited! What do you have to say about that? Greatness breeds jealousy, and jealousy makes people do absolutely terrible things to each other. Congrats you have just earned the malice of everyone. Nice. Still want to be great?
FIVE/// You Might Have Asperger’s Syndrome
This one’s not even funny, it’s true. There is a very high correlation between Prodigies/Savants with Asperger’s Syndrome. Congratulations, you are great, but you also now have difficulty understanding social interactions with others. But you’re great right?
You get the point. Being a prodigy sounds wonderful in our passing daydreams, but in actuality it probably blows. Maybe this is just the perspective of one fair to mediocre person to another… or maybe it’s the truth. Unfortunately most of my pieces end with some sort of moral that I don’t anticipate in beginning. Makes it feel a little like I’m pontificating. And since I’m not great, I won’t end with a moral. I’m no Aesop, people don’t ask me for parables on the street. I’d just offer up some story about a bowler and we all know how that one ends. I’ll just be happy this Thanksgiving for my mediocrity.
Loading ...
