After the toke everything is different. The world is small and complex and weird. No one exists except the 1,500 or so people I’ve met in my life. These are the players in my play. Everything is clearer, even though I can feel my brain becoming enveloped in a thick cloud of smoke. I look around the room and swing my focus around to the TV. For ten seconds I have no idea what I’m looking at. Then I realize Sportscenter’s on the screen. 20- and 30-something-year-old men running around in bright colors trying to push and tackle other men in bright colors. Or run away from them. Grown men with talent and athleticism only a tiny amount of people have ever had, playing games. It’s suddenly the most insanely ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen. And hundreds of millions of people around the world lose their shit over it, hanging on every moment of these other people’s lives. Human beings are so interested in each other they devote large chunks of their lives and their happiness to the success of others, their brains flicking into crazy mode when the team from their geographic area or college best a team from a different geographic area or college. Their pride runs so deep and is so meaningless and unnecessary. They do it for entertainment, to feel something, to have something, to be part of something bigger than themselves. Feeling depressed, I think my roommates are plotting to kill me. I go upstairs, sit in my computer chair and turn on some music. I apple-T it and the visualizer comes to life, sending waves of multi-colored light and spheres swirling around my screen. I think each sphere is a tiny little world, exploding one after the other. Maybe one of those spheres is or will be ours. The song I’m listening to is one I never liked, but now, this time, it’s the most mind-blowing thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Ever. I believe it was written and performed for me, for my life, at this exact moment. The lyrics are for me and no one else. I think there’s no God. I think life is meaningless. I think life is wonderful. I am confused. Everything is clear. I am totally in control. I am totally out of control. I’m the smartest person on earth. I’m the stupidest person on earth. I know I’m feeling and thinking conflicting things, and I’m simultaneously fine and not fine with this. In the back of my mind, I know the trip has grabbed hold of me. Suddenly, I think I’m dying. But aren’t we all?

Effed Up, 3.7 out of 5 based on 7 ratings

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