New Year’s resolutions have watered down what used to be a I’m gonna pound my fist on this table made of solid oak and I ain’t gonna take no lip from nobody type of word: Resolution. In this context, “resolution” means, “a firm decision to do or not do something.” The Declaration of Independence was a resolution. Harrison Ford in The Fugitive was resolute. Madge who decides she wants to shed 20 lbs. off her thighs, knees, and butt is not resolute. New Year’s resolutions have weakened the definition of “resolution” to something that more resembles, “a decision to do or not do something most often dealing with weight loss, fitness, or attitude change that is charged at first by vigor that depletes heavily over the course of several weeks or months.”
Scientific fact: 90% of people never follow through with their New Year’s resolutions. And if they do, it’s probably a fluke. They forgot about the resolution, and it’s comes to fruition simply by happenstance.
Experiment: Ask the person closest to you what their New Year’s resolution was last year and if they were able to carry it through. Nine people out of ten will stare at you with empty eyes, not even able to tell you what they resolved so vehemently over a bottle of sherry to do. That other 10%, they’re probably the type who runs marathons, so they don’t count due to their supernatural gumption.
Revised scientific fact: 100% of people (not including those with supernatural gumption/those who run marathons) do not follow through with their New Year’s resolutions.
Who is to blame for this butchery of the English language? Easy. Dick Clark and his Rockin’ New Years Eve celebration. He is responsible for all things New Years: hangovers, drug addictions, and illegitimate children. And now, due to circumstances beyond the American population’s control, the blame is shifting to Ryan Seacrest.
But now is the time to resolve to reverse the negative effects of this. We need to be resolute in our decision! We need to get fired up! We need to pound our fits on our desks and yell, “I will not let Ryan Seacrest foul up the English language! I will not let him do that to my forefathers!”
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