You’re stupid.
You smell bad.
Your face.
Your Mom.
These are the tried and true insults that have withstood the test of time. They’re the Casablanca of name calling. The fifth symphony of slights. Everyone knows them and they never let you down.
The question is, why is “Your Mom” in the mix?
I understand on some level. No one likes when people talk about their mom. But when it comes down to it, the essence of truly being ‘Mom’ is pretty much the most badass, rugged, no bullshit thing you can claim.
Hardcore
Oh sure, you’ve climbed mountains, you bench 230 and you can drink until you throw-up, puke, and rally. You are pretty effing rugged. But your mom spent 9 hellish hormone saturated months growing the sack of flesh you’ve learned to call your body. However, not before she had to squeeze your oversized head out of her vagina, or if that didn’t work had you cut out of her abdomen. Suddenly, you don’t seem so rugged after all.
The Plan
Sure we all have plans. Plans to go to the gym tomorrow. Plans to get married some day. Plans for this weekend. But truly being ‘Mom’ means you have a plan for everything. A true mom can predict the future. She is carrying wipes, stain sticks, mosquito sticks, sun screen, epi-pen, animal crackers, Benadryl, bungee cords, a lasso, gorilla glue and birth control pills. She has this in the event that you trip and fall on the way to family photos right into a bee hive. She wipes your skin, sticks you with an epi-pen and gets the grass stains out of your freshly pressed khakis. She covers the sting with mosquito stick to stop the itching and gives you a Benadryl to prevent any swelling. She knows that the prolonged time in the sun while she was injecting you with pure adrenaline could increase you chance of skin cancer so she lathers you with SPF 30 just to be safe. She shoves you in the back seat with a sack full of animal crackers, but not before she glues back together your favorite toy you broke during the fall. She lassos in your now panicked siblings and straps them in the back seat with bungee cords. She makes it on time to the family photos, but not before popping a birth control pill because she isn’t stupid enough to do it again. That is A Plan.
Nurture
If you’re luck you’ve been afforded the opportunity to love something. A dog maybe, and you buy him treats. Maybe a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and you make kissy faces and canoodle all over the place. You even have friends that you care so much about you occasionally buy them a drink at the bar, because that is love. A mom though, she will love the shit out of her kids. She will love them when they come home with the most ridiculous haircut that seemed like a good idea at the time. She will love them when they decide to take up the trombone. She will kiss her children even when most people would wash after shaking their hands. She will love them SO HARD, they will actually believe they are special. They’re not, and she knows it, but she loves them into delusion. That’s love.
The big question is, with a True Mom’s superpowers, why is “your mom” still an insult we so readily use? I think we should turn it into a compliment to beat all compliments.
“You’re So Mom” means that you are exuding the superior essence of a True Mom. You are exhibiting super-human abilities. You look like you might be able to lift a car off of a crushed child. You look like you could take on 25 tasks at one time. You look like you are pretty much holding together the lives of everyone around you. It says you’re kind of a big deal.
With Mothers Day fast approaching, what better way to show your mother that you love her than by turning her name into the ultimate accolade? Think about it. You know she’ll love it.
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lisaaloise
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