Coaches

// Coach on Coach

By Ben and Ryan .
10.18.09 // Coaches

View Comments / Oct 18.09 / Coaches / by Ben and Ryan

// Congratulations

By Jordan Childs .
10.18.09 // Coaches

Yesterday was a monumental event for one of our Blommit Contributors; Alex.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Alex got hitched (the proper nomenclature for any wedding below the Mason Dixon).

Being a man who is myself, unwed, I believe this occasion marks the beginning of Alex’s coaching career. He’s maneuvered the whole thing quite well in my eyes, which deems him worthy to pass on some knowledge. He scored a woman whose class and beauty well exceed the reasonable limits of someone he should technically be rolling with, locked her in and did so in a respectable manner. I’ll take a peek at that playbook and to see how Alex’s Cleveland Indians won the World Series anytime.

So that end, Alex, well done. Make some big shots, start building that dynasty and pass on some pointers to the aspirational kids in the crowd.

Good luck and God Speed Buddy.

View Comments / Oct 18.09 / Coaches / by Jordan Childs

// Can we trust them with our little tykes?

By Ben Cheney .
10.17.09 // Coaches

We trust coaches with our children.  We let them play together with balls on fields and in the dirt and sometimes even under the bleachers.  Yet we know nothing about them.  With the exception of the fact that they love Pizza and children in uniforms.  But really, who are these men that we trust with our children despite their ability to control their tempers, their waist sizes, or their alleged gambling addictions.  Allow me to enlighten.

This is Stefan.  He coaches the FPYC Romancers.  He pretty much has the most team spirit of anyone on the team.

This is Uncle Dan.  He coaches Little League and he makes all the players call him Uncle Dan.  He doesn’t really have his own team.  He’s more of a floater, filling in when other coaches have dentist appointments or open heart surgeries.  But he likes this approach.  It means he has more free time than a full time coach.  Which is good, because he’s still in college and loves his night life.

And this is Craig.  He’s a clown by night and an alcoholic by day and night.  Oh, and he coaches Pee Wee hockey.  The night games are the worst.

View Comments / Oct 17.09 / Coaches / by Ben Cheney

// Motivation From Al, The Degenerate Gambling High School Basketball Coach

By Jake Dubs .
10.16.09 // Coaches

Winning isn’t everything. Covering the spread is.

There is no “I” in “Parlay Cleveland to cover and let me have the over on the Nets-Lakers game. C’mon, baby. Come through for daddy.”

When life gives you lemons, bust their motherfucking heads in until they pay up… What am I running here? A fucking charity?

Games are won on Bodog.net, not on the court.

It’s not the size of the fight in the dog, it’s the size of the bucket I’ll force the dog’s head into if he doesn’t work magic for me this weekend at Michael Vick’s house.

When the going gets tough, the smart get as far away from Atlantic City as possible unless they wanna get smacked up by Big Tony and his merry band of blowtorch experts. Those guys don’t fuck around.

Give 110% every night but tonight, guys. Whatever you do, just keep it close. Please. I need this one. Give 85%.

It ain’t over till the fat man has paid me the $1,100 he’s owed me since last Sunday. I mean, I gots to get paid already, son.

You win as a team, you lose as a team. But sweet Christ as my witness if you guys lose this game for me tonight it will be all on you; I’m skipping town.

It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how much cash you can sucker by shaving some points for the moneyline.

Records are made to be broken, but tonight, alls we gotta do is lose by less than 10 and I’m golden.

You win some, you lose some. But let’s just try to win more than we lose, or Coach Al’s not gonna have enough for child support this season. Got it, fellas?

View Comments / Oct 16.09 / Coaches / by Jake Dubs

// Couches

By Elektrovideo .
10.15.09 // Coaches, Fitness

Couches from elektrovideo on Vimeo.

View Comments / Oct 15.09 / Coaches, Fitness / by Elektrovideo

// An Apology to my High School Field Hockey Coach

By Sarah Pappalardo .
10.14.09 // Coaches

I wasn’t very nice to my high school field hockey coach, and I thought this would be a good time to write her an apology and make amends. I apologize for making you read this.

Dear Coach D.,

I’m sorry I called you fat.

I’m doubly sorry for writing that song about the irony of you coaching us while being fat. That was uncalled for.

I’m extra, extra sorry for mocking you when you were on Weight Watchers.

Frankly I think it was just my way of calling you a lesbian.

On that subject, I’m really, really sorry for calling you a lesbian in a derogatory manner. That all seems really ironic in hindsight.

Why couldn’t you have been more like Jane Lynch? I really could’ve used a positive influence in my life back then.

Don’t even get me started about your Subaru Outback.

You really should’ve heard that song I wrote about you. Everyone really got a kick out of me. I sang it every week.

But just so you know, you were a real bitch when you coached me that one season in basketball. You made me do suicides when I had bronchitis. Not cool.

And that time you said I was going to “be the next Rosie O’Donnell” to the entire team? Who SAYS that? Is Rosie O’Donnell the only comedian you know? That’s probably because you’re a lesbian and you’re dumb.

Like that time that you described a ball that went too high as “hiatus.” I guess grammar and usage isn’t required in the Phys. Ed. program at Keene.

I’m sorry you went to such a pathetic institution that would make you misuse words like “hiatus.”

I guess that’s not really your fault either.

Sorry.

Love,
Sarah

View Comments / Oct 14.09 / Coaches / by Sarah Pappalardo

// The United States of America

By Charles Hodges .
10.14.09 // Coaches

The trainer stood over the quarterback trying to get him to open his eyes.  It was the biggest bowl game in school history.  It was the third quarter.  If it was a concussion, it was the quarterback’s third of the year.

“Can you hear me?” said the trainer.
“Can he hear you?” said the coach.
“I don’t know.  That’s what I’m trying to figure out.”

The quarterback opened his eyes.

“What happened?” the quarterback said.
“Nothing.  You just got your bell rung.  You’re gonna be fine,” said the coach.
“What’s today’s date?” the trainer said.
“Anjelica Huston,” said the quarterback.
“Well, he sounds pretty good to me,” said the coach, “now let’s go win this thing.”

View Comments / Oct 14.09 / Coaches / by Charles Hodges

// Hey Coach, Get Your Head In The Game!

By Joey Camire .
10.13.09 // Coaches

The duty of a coach, in the most general of terms, is to teach, motivate, and push people towards accomplishing their goals.  It’s a truly incredible role if you really think about it.  It’s almost selfless.  Helping people to accomplish their goals from the sidelines.  Making people better.  With the world in the shape that it’s in, we are in desperate need of coaches.

Why then is it that this role has been relocated almost exclusively to the realm of sports?  Oh of course there have been some splintering factions of coaches who have broken off from sports, your life coaches or your lamas coaches, but in general they really just make up the fringes.

What is it about sports that garners all of the coaches’ attention and the rest of the world is almost void of them?  Seems to me that coaches in general are just not doing their jobs.  They could be saving the world from a lot of strife by coaching us through things like world hunger, the economic meltdown, the aftermath of natural disasters, major elections, bipartisan politics, MIDDLE SCHOOL!  Where are you coaches?  Ever since your television show “Coach” with Craig T. Nelson, you guys have left us with nothing to live for.

For all the coaches out there in the world, I’ve created a list for you of things you need to accomplish.  It’s a checklist of the countless things in everyday life that people endeavor into with no set guidelines or help.  Inevitably this is only a small portion of that so please don’t think your work can end here.  You guys are the glue that binds us together in whistle induced fear.  Don’t drop the ball.  Keep your stick on the ice. Keep your head in the game. Breathe. Put your weight into it. You can do this. Pick it up. Get The lead out. There is no “I” in team.  You’ve been waiting your whole life for this. Make ‘em make the first move. Champs.

Dog Training
Early Sexual Encounters
Dancing
Fashion
The Facial Lotion Isle at the grocery store
Elevator Etiquette
TV Politics
Facebook Stalking
Tatiana Peck x 2 (assistant and head(get it))
Organizing the Refrigerator
Folding Fitted Sheets
The Airport
Christmas Shopping
Career
Student Loans
Taxes
Hanging Shelves
Sewing
E-mail
Calling the utility company
Splitting the bill at a restaurant
Asking for a raise
Ironing
Guessing the right time to set your alarm clock
Time sheets
Not crying at the end of lion king
What street vendors are OK to eat at
Making Paper Planes

If you’ve got any suggestions, I’ll add them to the list, there are a lot.

View Comments / Oct 13.09 / Coaches / by Joey Camire

// A Rose by any other name…

By Alex Aloise .
10.12.09 // Coaches

View Comments / Oct 12.09 / Coaches / by Alex Aloise