Business Cards
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Desperation
By
Jordan Childs .
01.31.09 //
Business Cards
// Desperation
By
Jordan Childs .
01.31.09 //
Business Cards
When we meet people we like or think could help us in life, it’s considered appropriate to give them a little piece of cardstock with our name and number. Then, we pray they call us and advance our piece on the board. But someday you may reach inside your breast pocket and pull out something else, and then the transaction is going to suddenly become weird. Read on and prepare yourself for what certain choices say about you.
Baseball card:
You slip them a 1989 Dennis Eckersley. They are initially impressed with your bold statement about the manliness of handlebar mustaches and skin-tight uniforms on tall old dudes. Then they realize that you are much younger than them and barely know who Eck is, and so they assume you’re some kind of schizophrenic math wizard that loves statistics like ERA. This may make it more likely or less likely you’ll get hired.
Playing card.
Out of your breast pocket comes the 4 of Clubs. You look at each other. Three possibilities occur: one, they’re an itinerant gambler that have a severe problem, one that craves an enabler like you. They love it. Two, they’re confused by your choice to leave out names, emails and phone numbers from your minimalist card and assume you’re some kind of progressive German graphic designer. They love it. Or three, they believe you’re down for some kinky weirdo sex, as indicated by your use of their secret society’s calling card. Put on your mask and tuxedo/gimp outfit. It’s party time.
Free sub card.
They assume you like subs. Or at least free ones.
Credit card.
The natural first thought is a bribe. But most people will give you a reprieve, joking uncomfortably that “ah, you may not want to give that away.” If you insist, they’ll probably leave awkwardly or buy a bunch of drinks and wild out.
Christmas card.
Your dramatic embrace of the Good Season will impress. While they failed to send Christmas cards out at all, here you are transmitting Santa’s most poignant moments over Miller Lights. While it may not fit in their wallets, a Christmas card in April is hard to describe as anything except “majestic.”
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Actual Business Cards
By
Charles Hodges .
01.30.09 //
Business Cards
// Actual Business Cards
By
Charles Hodges .
01.30.09 //
Business Cards
Business cards are a professional leave behind. They tell people who we are and what we do. That being said, I think that a lot of people out there have incorrect business cards. The cards they carry around don’t transfer their true identity. I have taken it upon myself to redesign the actual business cards for these people.
And the nominees are…
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Beef Up Your Business Cards
By
Joey Camire .
01.29.09 //
Business Cards
// Beef Up Your Business Cards
By
Joey Camire .
01.29.09 //
Business Cards
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It Even Had A Watermark
By
Alex Aloise .
01.28.09 //
Business Cards
// It Even Had A Watermark
By
Alex Aloise .
01.28.09 //
Business Cards
Remember that scene in American Psycho when Patrick Bateman shows off his latest business card? He’s so proud. His name is printed on the finest quality paper, in the finest quality raised ink. It’s glistening. It’s reflective of the sun and the stars. It’s luminescent. And as he tells his colleagues, “It’s Bone.”
Maybe I’m not educated or sophisticated enough, but it looks white to me. And therein lies my rub. I hate “subtle sub-colors.” White is Bone. Red is Merlot. Blue is Cerulean. I’m getting married in October. My fiance picked our colors, Purple and Gold, or as she describes them, Plum and Champagne.
So I did some digging and discovered some other colors Patrick Bateman could have selected had he wanted something a little whitier than white…or bone.
SEASHELL
This shade provides whoever holds it with a calm, serene feeling. Like that of a sun-filled day on a tropical island.
COSMIC LATTE
Wikipedia says that this most magnificent shade was officially assigned to the color of the universe. However, do not make the mistake of opting for its less-than-stellar counterpart, Out-Of-This-World Venti Mochaccino.
KIDNAPPED BABY
The card that possesses this shade will make you scream…with envy. You’ll want to grab it, take it home, and share it with others as if it were your own.
ALBINO TRANNY
The ambiguous beauty of this shade will leave you guessing. Was it always this white? Is it even white at all? Is it even paper? Is it gay that I loved the way it felt in my hands?
JAPANESE CINEMA
Perfecting this shade is an ancient Far-East secret. Dozens of craftsmen spend hours preparing and applying it to its surface. The color pours over every inch of the card, literally splattering it whole with the best paints the Land of The Rising Sun has to offer.
Patrick Bateman could have had his pick of any of these cards, and so can you. I still say they’re all white. But what do I know? This is what my current business card looks like.
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Inapproprisiness Cards
By
Jake Dubs .
01.27.09 //
Business Cards
// Inapproprisiness Cards
By
Jake Dubs .
01.27.09 //
Business Cards
Because the regular kind is for the normal, the conventional, and the weak.
To be given to an attractive woman whom you have unclean feelings for:
To be given to a waiter/tress who you’ve just screwed:
To be given to a person who has what you want out of life:
To be given to any individual who has crossed, disrespected or hurt you:
To be given to an attractive female at the gym whom you secretly stalk:
To be given to a panhandler on the street:
To be put on the windshield of one’s car when parking illegally:
To be given to a street/subway performer
To be given to your boss:
To be given to the manager of anyplace you go to the bathroom in that has a “restroom for customers only” sign:
To be given to anyone who treads on your rights and/or pisses you off for any reason whatsoever:
To be placed in one of those restaurant “win a free meal” bowls:
If anybody’s got any of their own, Blommit would love to see them. Post away.
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How to make a business card if you have no money.
By
Ben Cheney .
01.26.09 //
Business Cards
// How to make a business card if you have no money.
By
Ben Cheney .
01.26.09 //
Business Cards
Some people may disagree about the existence of God or the benefits of red wine, but there is one thing I think we can all agree on — we are in an economic recession.
Fewer and fewer people are spending. More and more companies are reporting decreases in profit. Unemployment rates and homelessness are soaring. It’s a nasty train of events and it’s only getting worse. Even though over 50% of Americans believe that President Obama will be able to bring us out of this financial trough, there is still a very urgent need for employment in America.
And one of the first steps to marketing yourself for a job is getting business cards. If done right, a business card can be a powerful tool that keeps you on the mind of an interviewer long after your sweaty armpits and shaky knees have left their office.
The problem is, some people can’t afford proper business cards, which minimizes their chances of getting a job and a roof back over their head. So, I have taken it upon myself to create a “how to” for making business cards for no money.
How to make a business card if you have no money.
1. Gather various materials from a trash can in an alley or the side of the street. Pick materials for your stationary that fit your personality, such as an interesting pattern if you are crazy or a solid background if you are boring.
2. Use an old, rusty razor blade to cut your pizza box top or french fry container down to about 2×3 inches.
3. Write your name and address with an old marker, pen, or syringe. If you don’t have an address, write the address of the place you hang out most, such as a park or the curb outside an office building.
Or if, in Pocket’s case, you hang out in the alley between 406 and 408, write 407.
4. If using stationary without a pattern, think about decorating your business card with a seal. You can make a seal by pressing a beer cap into the corner of your business card and writing your initial in the middle.
5. Now that you have finished your business card, it’s time to think about delivery. Handing it to your interviewer on the way out the door is one way to do it. But let’s be honest, this is not the most impressive business card. Think about leaving it on their desk with a delicious orange that you found in the dumpster behind a supermarket.
Or a succulent lime.
Or a doggy.
Even though you didn’t pay $15 for a box of business cards at Office Depot, creating your own business card shows creativity and resourcefulness, two great qualities in a job candidate. So good luck! And go get ‘em!
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