It all started with green ketchup.

I was 15 years old at the time, and totally out of my mind.  Up was down, left was right, green was red, and right was wrong, especially when it came to the color of my food.

So, to make things seem right, I started dyeing my food.  I dyed my milk yellow.  My orange juice blue.  My pancakes red.  My eggs green.  Any food that could be dyed took on a color that was not it’s own.  It was beautiful.

I became obsessed.  Obsessed with colored foods.  Convinced that the color of the food enhanced the taste of the food, I decided that when I grow up I will open my own restaurant where you’ll be able to order anything on the menu in any color.  All you have to do is think up a color and describe it to the Culinary Colorist.  The Colorist will then translate this abstract description and dazzle you with the colors’ manifestation in your chosen food.

Since the patron is in charge of thinking up the colors of their food, creativity will be an essential element.  As we all know, food is only as delicious as it’s color.  A burger the color of the sky 15 minutes before sunset is going to taste very different from a burger the color of your grandmother’s crushed velvet sofa.

This will be a place where imagination is served to you on a porcelain platter.  A place where the rainbow is endless.

Creativity will bleed from the walls.  Color will ooze out of thin air.

It will be fun and exciting and epic and mind blowing.

But most importantly, it will be colorful.  And it will seem right.

According to Wikipedia, these “familiar colors of the rainbow in the spectrum include all those colors that can be produced by visible light of a single wavelength.”

Along with black and white, these 7 colors—red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet—and the various mixtures they together create, are all that we have ever seen, ever known, and ever imagined. Every single thing that appears in nature, art, science or anything else on earth, in all of its different forms of hue, shade, tone or tinge, comes from this spectrum. And to my knowledge, no human being has ever seen anything else.

Because nothing else exists.

But what if there are colors out there we’ve never seen before that do exist? Colors so unbelievable and indescribable we literally cannot imagine them? Colors we can’t fathom? Colors not on earth, in some alternate time or place or reality that we may or may not ever see? What if there are colors that exist for us to see only when we’re dead, when we’re no longer human and thus able to be privy to the secrets of the universe?

Hopefully we’ll all be able to see colors like that someday.

Trip on, friends.

A color, glittering and resplendent under stone and soil, was what thousands killed millions for when Europe first stalked a new continent.

Those same men fought and died under colors, just as men and women continue to do today; fluttering banners of chroma inform the world of ownership.

In another time, another army was called to stave off chaos as human beings of one color asserted their right to learn alongside human beings of another color.

Color is how we know the hero has been hurt.
Color is how we know our fruit is ripe.
Color is how we know when to stop and when to go.

But for three million dollars, I would live in grayscale.

Color is a vital part of human existence.

Color tells us how to feel about things.  Take, for example, the sky.  What color is the sky?  If it is blue, we can be fairly certain that it won’t rain.  We will go to school or work and then go do something outside later. If it is gray, we can be fairly certain that it will rain or that, at the very least, the sun will not be coming out.  We will go to school or work and then go home, probably take a nap, watch Jeopardy and masturbate.

All because of the color of the sky.

Color helps us to organize our DVD collection.  Never mind genre or era, it is important to organize them with color.  That’s right, Starsky and Hutch goes next to Clockwork Orange and Jurassic Park goes next to Remains of the Day.  Deal with it.

The color of someone’s car is a great determinant of his or her personality.  Black – wants to be rich, has an undiagnosed Oedipus complex.  Red – overcompensates in the bedroom by owning a wide array of toys, has an affinity towards salad bars.  Green – compulsive liar about very trivial matters (“where’d you buy those socks” – “I made them”).  Purple – unresolved issues with older family members, believes in ghosts.  Yellow – attempts to cover up lack of personality by being involved in extreme sports, big McGuyver fan.  Blue – views private time as very valuable, possible murder suspect. Silver – avoids risk, scared of eating breakfast at non-chain restaurants.  I could go on forever.

Eye color?  Important right? Maybe.

The color of someone’s eyes will only tell you one thing: how much they actually like Fleetwood Mac.  Blue – Apathetic. Green – Huge Fan.  Brown – Only likes Lindsey Buckingham.  One brown, one green – Is Lindsey Buckingham.

I just want you to know that I made that up.  Blue means you own Rumors, but would never tell anyone about it.

Color can tell you a lot about a rash.  Is it red?  Put some cream on it.  Is it yellow?  Take a bath with some colloidal oatmeal.  Is it black?  That’s not a rash.  It’s hair.  Congratulations, you’ve hit puberty.

We have baselines for colors.  When it doesn’t match up, our brain tells us.  Don’t drink that green milk.  Don’t eat those white strawberries.  Son, don’t follow that Ronald McDonlad with grey hair into his white van.

Color is a system of classification.  It helps us experience the world.  Without it, we would be, well… colorblind.  But some people are colorblind.  So, maybe it’s not that important.

Thanks anyway, color.

Maybe you had one.  Maybe you didn’t.  But not since “My Girl” (the first one) has the mood ring gotten any

kind of appreciation by the masses.

OK I get it. “They are Klunky” or the infamous “That is sooo 1969″.  My response is “and not since 1969 have men been able to understand a woman’s mood.”  Could you imagine having a mood indicator placed on your wife or girlfriend’s hand?  It was the eternal “heads up, mood swing!” notification that we no longer have.  Instead we are doomed to flail wildly in the dark through our significant other’s emotions, pretty much the same way we did the first time we had sex.

Understandably a modern mood ring would need a 21st century make over.  The modern woman has a much wider and confusing array of emotions she is catapulted through on a daily basis.  So I’ve created a new palette of colors for the modern mood ring.

NEEDY (Golden Rod)- You know this emotion well.  If this is not a regularly occurring color on her ring, appease her and before you know it she will be in the pink (and so will you).  If her ring is regularly this yellow hue, and she loves Coldplay, I would recommend cutting your loses.

BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IS TICKING (fuchsia/Blue)- This color starts showing up a lot during a woman’s mid to late twenties.   If you are not ready for kids yet, and her ring is showing this color your best bet is to do something extremely gross to make it seem like you are not suitable to mate with.  The fail safe is of course gas of any sort but if you need something stronger to tame the clock there is always a made up hereditary disease… try that one, let me know how it works.

HAPPY ENOUGH FOR SEX (Pink)- The not so coincidental color reference has been made so on to the important things.  Any guy knows this color doesn’t show often, and when it does, you need to be ready to pounce.  If her ring does turn pink, try gratuitous flattery and if that doesn’t seal and you are very desperate there is always making mention of her biological clock… because nothing puts women more in the mood than children, it’s a sick fact of life.

I’M WATCHING GREY’S (Periwinkle)- ABC has allotted the vast majority of men across this great nation an hour, two if she likes Ugly Betty, to be free again.  If her ring turns periwinkle take advantage of some alone time.  Call your friends, drink beer, be merry.  She will never notice you were gone, just make sure you are back by ten… unless she likes Lipstick Jungle, then you get Thursday night to yourself!

PISSED AT SOMETHING ELSE (Clementine)- Don’t be an idiot, STAY AWAY.  At this point she isn’t mad at you… yet.  If you do get within speaking distance, just agree with everything she says.  The woman at work really is a bitch and doesn’t know anything.  Your mother didn’t teach you anything.  And you are very lucky to be with her.

NOTHING YOU SAY IS RIGHT (Jade)- You’ve been here before.  It’s like the last stage, only now she is mad at you. Don’t even nod this time, cause that is wrong too.  Pray that if she ever gets caught in this color it’s a Thursday, cause at least you will get a break from it.

PMS (Tampax Red)- Not even Thursday can save you. Don’t let her actually ever see you, just leave small gifts and signs of affection around for her to find.  This way she knows you care, but you can’t get caught up in the whirlwind that will inevitably be created by your insensitive comments about her weight.  Why would you tell her she likes cheese cake? She is not fat!

I’m actually thinking about contacting some companies now.  The question is whether or not you can actually get your lady friend to wear it, but I’ve already thought of this. I’ve been in talks with them, and you can now buy her a lovely three stone mood ring… at JARED.

He went to JARED.