Competition

// The Battle For Lebron

By Joey Camire .
07.11.10 // Competition

View Comments / Jul 11.10 / Competition / by Joey Camire

// It IS a competition

By Ben Cheney .
07.11.10 // Competition

A lot of smart people will tell you that one of the secrets to a successful marriage/partnership/relationship is compromise. They’ll tell you that marriage isn’t a competition. And they’ll use Bart and Ophelia from Westerville, OH who’ve been married for 60 years as an example, noting that they spent their time loving and caring for each other instead of competing with one another. This, they will tell you, is the main reason their love endured the test of time.

Well, I may be new(ish) to this marriage thing, but I say marriage IS a competition and compromise and competition aren’t mutually exclusive.

I compete with my wife every day. We compete to see who is the smartest and who is the best and who is the fastest and who the dogs love more and who is the better cook and all sorts of other things.

We use this competition to keep things interesting. We use it as a way to laugh at each other and make fun of one another. We use it as a way to ease tension during conflicts. And we use it as a way to stay humble and grounded.

So far, I think my record is somewhere around 6-434-23, but that’s probably why it works.

View Comments / Jul 11.10 / Competition / by Ben Cheney

// The Pink Card

By Matt Spicer .
07.11.10 // Competition

After watching the world cup over the past month I’ve noticed a problem. People (Person) Using Sufficient Sobbery Yo or P.U.S.S.Y. The “Yo” was added to this acronym because plenty of times when a person commits sufficient sobbery they do it in such a ridiculous manner that a common human response is “Yo!” or sometimes “Whoat!?” or even just mumbled grumbling.

This problem arises when someone is rolling around on the ground holding their shin and we watch the play back and they were barely touched. Or when players are whining to the ref when we see them in the play-back and they weren’t even looking at the play. Or when something called a Luis Suarez commits a blatant hand ball to keep Ghana, the last African team, out of the tournament. That deserves a pink and a red card. That way he knows he’s not manly and definitely not honorable. And that he probably needed a better father figure as a child.

I propose to Fifa that they give their referees pink cards to give players when they commit acts of P.U.S.S.Y. This will finally let the referees use the instant replay for review. Come on  Fifa, you don’t have to the stop the game, have a fourth Ref watching the play back and he will signal the ref on the field. Problem solved.

Now I’m not trying to say that players commit P.U.S.S.Y. every time. There are some bad fouls that go down. That’s why we will give each coach a slab of red meat that he can hold up to refute a pink card. He can refute 3 pink cards. But if he uses his slab of meat to refuse all three then he must eat the steak on camera. And the camera man must play it back in slow motion for a little bit.

And Fifa, the pink card has so many marketable attributes that you will definitely get your money back on all the pink cards you’ll have to make. You’re gonna need a lot. There’s been a lot of P.U.S.S.Y. going on in this World Cup.  Just think, you could have a pink card of the day where we showcase the biggest P.U.S.S.Y. of the day and you can email that player the video. I’m sure beer sponsors will find some awful joke around it that they can market it alongside an animal that farts or that bites a man in the crotch. You could even give the fan that cries the most the pink card.

Because we all know true competitors compete. They don’t cry. And this is coming from a man that cries a lot.

View Comments / Jul 11.10 / Competition / by Matt Spicer

// Some Things Should Never Become Competitive

By Wheatstraw Worley .
07.09.10 // Competition

View Comments / Jul 09.10 / Competition / by Wheatstraw Worley

// Here’s a Thought…

By Brad Hagen .
07.09.10 // Competition

One of the great American traditions went down last weekend, the Nathans International July Fourth Hot Dog Eating Contest. The contest is rumored to have started on July 4th 1916 when four immigrants wanted to find out who among them was the most patriotic. So, naturally, they decided a hot dog eating contest would settle it. This year American Joey “Jaws” Chestnut won the event, the coveted mustard yellow belt and the $20,000 prize. In a truly American show of gluttony Joey ate 54 Hot Dogs and Buns (or HDBs as they’re called on the eating scene) in ONLY TEN MINUTES!! That’s 5.9 hotdogs a minute!!! That is ridiculous, preposterous, and gross. It was also a great example of why so many people around the globe don’t like us. The fact that we celebrate and reward one man eating in ten minutes, enough food to feed an African village for a month is sad and disturbing. Which is why I think we should move the 2011 contest from Coney Island to the poorest nation in the world: Zimbabwe.

We can set up everything like it is on Coney Island. The stage, the Hot Dog mascot, the Giant score board and of course all those dogs. Zimbabweans will walk from miles around to see how the better half of the world lives. Not hungry and emaciated like themselves but with so much food that contests are held to see who can eat the most without puking. Zimbabweans wouldn’t know what they were seeing,. They came to see “competitive eating” which in their world and minds is one bag of rice fought over by 100 people and at the end the winners are those still alive and the losers die of mal nutrition. They would look in disbelief as beings they would have to believe to be super human scoff down hotdogs at a rate of almost six a minute. Showing them America’s awesomeness wouldn’t stop there though. We could also bring the latest super soakers filled with Smart Water. They would think these are used to quench peoples thirst from a distance or maybe even a nifty tool for watering crops. Won’t they be surprised when we show them that we use them to shoot perfectly potable water at each other in a sporting and sometimes annoying kind of way? Then just when they think they’ve seen it all we’ll show them a chocolate fountain, like the ones used for weddings, and their HEADS WILL EXPLODE!!!.

View Comments / Jul 09.10 / Competition / by Brad Hagen

// I Suggested This Ad…

By Alex Aloise .
07.08.10 // Competition

…they didn’t take it.

View Comments / Jul 08.10 / Competition / by Alex Aloise

// 10:00

By Tristan Smith .
07.07.10 // Competition

something in a blue dress
not the devil but something made
of skin and breasts and perfume
I would do anything for you to you with you
beyond what I already did
which was inhale you like an ant hill of cocaine
as I walked by, delirious, brought down by the locks I have
to open and the magazines I have to read.

I hope you never get cancer.

View Comments / Jul 07.10 / Competition / by Tristan Smith