The problem with all this facial hair experimenting isn’t how absurd you might look with “The Hitler”, instead it’s that no one realizes the true powers all of these experiments bring.

FACIAL HAIR GIVES YOU POWERS!

That’s right, I’ve said it. Now you’re all like “Well I have a seriously rugged beard, where are my powers?”  Facial hair won’t give you the power to leap buildings in a single bound or eat 7 saltines in under a minute, but some types can offer you some pretty cool power-ups none the less.  I’ll let you in on some of the secrets, but you are totally going to have to buy the book for the whole list.

Mustaches

You might be saying, “Hold on, Tom Selleck, mustaches are seriously outdated.” I would probably, on most days respond to that with “When you can pin as many tails to the wall as Tom Selleck, then you can talk to me.”  I mean honestly, that guy was seriously killin’ it in a bad way. Look at that picture.  I think that is a cordless phone on the beach.  You could not pull that off.  Don’t even try it.

Regardless, you can clearly see that the mustache can be used to your advantage.  That’s how Tom got the audition for “Magnum PI” in the first place. Can you say “mustache ride”?

Here is a list of a few of the possible options you have with your mustache and the skills they will afford you.

The Chevron

+6 cougar magnet, +8 plumbing knowledge, +3 love for spicy food, +8 chance of scoring with a girl who has daddy issues, +10 RACIAL AMBIGUITY!

-5 ability to get a bartender to acknowledge you

This mustache clearly has some serious advantages to it.  Most notable though is racial ambiguity.  The Chevron is not specific to any ethnicity, all races rock it equally. If you are ever traveling in a foreign country and feel as though you are standing out, just grow a Chevron and you will immediately blend right in.  It’s also useful if you are into cougars because it brings them back to the 70′s, however, if you grow a full-on bush then you can move the points up to a +12 cougar magnet.

The Horseshoe (not to be confused with it’s cousin the Fu Manchu)

+12 shut the hell up, +7 tolerance for fat chicks, +8 ability to do dares, +7 ability to see through a mechanics bullshit, +10 ability to wear flannel

-6 first impression, -6 you giving a shit what someone thinks

This is the mustache you grow when you just don’t feel like listening to people’s bullshit anymore. Maybe you just broke up with your girlfriend, and she really stomped a mud hole in your heart (that is how you would talk whilst wearing this mustache).  As a means to avoid all of the questions from random people about what happened, you can grow the Horseshoe.  Also handy for such occasions as a bachelor party or a camping trip because you can do pretty much any absurd dare with ease.  People won’t even try the line “you won’t do it!” anymore.  They will just look at your mustache and respond to themselves, if he is willing to look like that in public he will definitely sleep with “Big Betsy” over there.

There are literally tens, if not hundreds, or more ways to wear a mustache. Each way will offer you its own skill set.  As you can tell, the mustache sends very strong messages to people.  The value of the mustache comes from the fact that most adult males can grow one, and therefore have its powers poised on their top lip.  The Beard however, cannot be grown by just anyone, which means it carries an even stronger message to people you meet.

Beards

For some reason the hair on your lip grows much faster than the rest of your face, and for this reason you can grow a mustache fairly quickly.  A beard, however, requires a lot more of a serious commitment and fortitude of facial hair.  Here are a few options you have with a beard.

The Van Dyk

+11 powers of villainy, +8 chances of being foiled by someone of lesser intelligence, +13 ability to build excessively complex contraptions to solve simple problems

-12 general points for a pointy beard

This beard is great for taking care of some vengeful thoughts that you just haven’t had enough time to get around to.  You will be able to come up with an extremely extravagant and beautiful plan, but you should probably shave before executing it, because this beard also drastically increases your chances of being foiled.  You can work to avoid being foiled by watching and studying the entire Inspector Gadget cartoon series.  Dr. Claw was the king of being foiled, there is something to learn there.

The Old Dutch

+18 good at everything, +20 fertility, +12 hater magnet, +12 ability to slap a hater

This beard gives you some incredible powers and should not be taken lightly.  At first glance you might think that this beard would turn ladies off, but you would be very wrong.  Ladies love this.  But if you are among the group of men who can actually take advantage of this beard you have to be careful. This beard increases your fertility drastically, so you don’t want lots of extremely masculine and awesome children running around.  Well actually maybe you do.  I’m not sure. I’m not among the privileged group of men who can grow this feat of testosterone.  I can’t even grow a full beard yet so I’m actually still sterile.  It’s science.  To be fair though, you will attract a lot of haters with this beard, but just make an example of one or two of them and it will be smooth sailing from then on out.

Clearly facial hair has something major to offer, and should not be taken lightly.  There is a style for every occasion.  No job too big or small for a bad-ass mustache.  We’ve only seen the peak of the iceberg in terms of powers and we didn’t even get in to sideburns.  You can only imagine what can happen when you combine The Horseshoe with a serious pair of Mutton Chops. Wow! I’ve got goose bumps.

Whether or not you take advantage of this new found skill set is up to you.  No one will help you get creative or ingenuitive with your whiskers, but don’t doubt the power your gristle possesses.  Let’s just think back to a fat little Jewish boy who couldn’t find a date to save his life.  He didn’t know what he had to do to show the world all he had to offer.  And he had a lot to offer.  Well suffice it to say that that Jewish boy grew a mustache and instantly used it to catapult his career.  That boy is Ron Jeremy, and you too could have that level of success if you grow a mustache.  Trust me.

Growing up we played this game called “Six Degrees of Separation From Kevin Bacon,” the premise of which I always found to be simultaneously funny and ridiculous. Who the hell does Kevin Bacon think he is that he must be the focus of this absurd game in which he’s bound to literally every actor who’s ever been in Hollywood within 6 films?

It’s annoying, actually. It works every time, no matter who you start with.

So I wonder. If Kevin Bacon can be connected to all these people within 6 degrees, can he also be connected to something as random as facial hair?

Let’s try.

1st degree: When facial hair grows too long, it itches.

2nd degree: There was a famous 1955 movie called The Seven Year Itch starring Marilyn Monroe.

3rd degree: Marilyn Monroe starred in Some Like It Hot with Jack Lemmon.

4th degree: Jack Lemmon was in Glengarry Glen Ross with Alec Baldwin.

5th degree: Alec Baldwin was in The Aviator with John C. Reily who was in The River Wild (*coincidentally with a beard, and) with…

6th degree: Kevin Bacon.

Damn you, Kevin. Damn you and your connections to the banalities of life itself.

I digress.

I was trying out a new dentist, Dr. Johnston.  My last dentist was for people with piles of money.  There were young, attractive hygienists and a waterfall made of stone.  When I realized that I did not yet have the piles of money promised to me by my dear mother, I decided to search out a more financially reasonable option.

Dr. Johnston’s office had a beach theme complete with sandy murals, beach chairs, and and the smell of fake suntan lotion.

Dr. Johnston himself was a young man with curly, red hair and eyes that were too close together.  He was in his early 30’s no doubt, and kind as a button.  He had a firm handshake and a quick wit.  He was quite the delight (despite the weird eye thing).

He checked my teeth and scraped some tartar from my lower lateral incisor.  As is customary, he complimented my teeth and mentioned how rare it is to see a patient my age who had never had any cavities.  I smiled at the thought that I had given him something to talk about over dinner with his wife and two young children.

After he scraped my tartar, he excused himself and said the hygienist would be right in to “polish me up”.  As I lay there in the chair I wondered what other people look at when the dentist’s fingers are prowling around their mouths.  After all, his face is about a foot from your face, and he is staring right at you.  Yet it’s too awkward to stare at his face.  But at the same time, it’s awkward to obviously stare past him (which is my go to move).  I could close my eyes.  But what if I fall asleep?  Awkward.

My thoughts were interrupted as the hygienist entered the room.  She was nothing like the hygienists at the waterfall dentist.  She was easily 65 years old with a tight perm that was over dyed and clashed with her light skin tone.

As she sat down in the swivel chair next to me, she grabbed some tools, titled my chair back, and leaned over me.

“Hi. Open wide.”

She was looking at me.  What was I to do?  I decided I was going to try the “look at her face” route.  So I looked at her.  She had a mustache.  I panicked.  I didn’t know where to look.

A man very much at war with himself.

Day three:

Things are going excellent.  You appear manlier than ever before.  You feel manlier than ever before.  You are smiling sandpaper.  Day three is what Hugh Jackman is on when he graces the cover of your favorite vaguely-effete men’s magazine.

Day five:

Things have taken a grim turn.  While the rest of your beard lags, the mustache region has bounded ahead.  You look dirty.  You feel dirty.  It is best to coordinate day five with a weekend, a sick day or a long hike through the crags of Maine.

Day twelve:

Having passed its own awkward puberty, your beard is a serious addition to your face.  People no longer wonder “is he growing a beard?”  They know.  And now it’s their task to respect and tolerate your choice, even if they don’t agree with it.  This is the length at which patchiness is most apparent.  It is also the stage at which a man may begin poking at his beard with his bottom lip or tongue.  Just feeling things out.  Just getting aquatinted with his new friend.

Days eighteen to seventy:

This is the long haul.  The real deal.  Any uneven color will start to become apparent.  If you’re old, it’ll be gray.  If you’re young, it’ll be a peachy soft pink/white.  Either way, this is the marathon.  Shaving your neck provides an outlet for frustration, but ultimately, it is a mental battle that most will lose.  Unless you are lucky and the beard looks incredibly kick ass, its itchy, uneven presence will eventually wrench your sanity from its comfy seat, make you brooding and insecure, and force you to end your grand experiment.

But some day you will reconsider.  You will buy a particularly manly shirt.  You will wake up late and skip shaving.  And then, against all odds, the journey will begin anew.