First Dates
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The Physics Of Dating
By
Joey Camire .
03.01.09 //
First Dates
// The Physics Of Dating
By
Joey Camire .
03.01.09 //
First Dates
First dates are one of those things, like taxes, that are super simple but still scare the shit out of people. It’s understandable though, people are really putting themselves out there on a first date. On a first date you are essentially putting yourself up for review, but not just for anything, you are going up for review on whether or not your are worthy enough to have sex with. That’s all a first date is, you are allowing someone to show whether or not they are good enough to get your goodies! Even if you don’t sleep with them right away, if you do go out with them again, you are letting them know you are willing to entertain the idea of eventually sleeping with them. However, there is no need to fear first dates, there is a simple perspective to first dates that will bring you success every time.
First Dates are governed by the same simple laws as physics.
Every first date is going to be a new equation and you just need to figure out the variables. Think of the date as an object that you are trying to move towards a destination. Think of that destination as getting laid, if you are in to that, maybe you just like hugging and pet names, that works too. Either way I’m not going to judge, whether you are looking for love, lust, or just someone to call “sugar face love butt”, this approach will work. All you have to do is keep moving the object in the right direction.
Law I – INERTIA “An object in motion stays in motion”
If you can start a date off right, theoretically you could do nothing for the rest of the date and it may eventually result in coitus. As long as you push things in the right direction and don’t screw things up in any way, inertia may eventually get you to where you need to go. Obviously if you start strong, you can’t act like Jauquin Phoenix on Letterman and expect things to work out. This brings us to our next law…
Law II – MOMENTUM “The change of momentum of a body is proportional to the impulse impressed on the body”
Momentum is all about the strength and direction at which you push your date. There will be things that you do that will speed your progress towards sexy time, and things that will slow your progress. Every first date is going to have momentum, the question is going to be whether or not you are moving towards or away from your goal. Inevitably, unless you are an underwear model or Brad Pitt, you are going to make a wrong move. If you start things off in the right direction, as long as you don’t neck punch your date, a fuck up should only slow things down. If you do neck punch your date, well at least you’ll have a story.
Law III – RECIPROCAL ACTIONS “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”
Dating has got to be one of the most coy and interesting mating dances there are. Many birds have their own speciosyncratic mating interactions, but they pale in comparison to the strange complexities of human dating. You push, they’ll pull. If you chase they will retreat. Retreat and they will chase. It’s not that people don’t want you to be doing what you are doing, it’s that on a first date you can’t be as direct as you might want to be. People result to opposite behaviors to test each other. How bad do you want me? How hard are you willing to work for it? It’s like every date is on opposite day. There is a reason why it’s called the dating GAME, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you will find success.
This might come across as cold, but I like to think of it as enlightened realism. I’m not trying to say that you should be manipulating people, but if you want something you should understand how it works. While you may never be able to understand the opposite sex, because they are straight up OUT OF THEIR MIND (both sexes), you can understand dating. Once you get to the point where you are in a ‘relationship’ you are pretty much on your own. Anyone who tells you they know how to make relationships work is just trying to get you to buy something.
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Stock Photo Sushi
By
Alex Aloise .
02.28.09 //
First Dates
// Stock Photo Sushi
By
Alex Aloise .
02.28.09 //
First Dates
A first date. As told through stock photography.
(Flip through the pages below, or click the book for a better view in full screen.)
George: “So, you were in a sorority, right?”
Laura: “Yep. Go Theta!! And hook ‘em horns!!!”
G: “Awesome.”
L: “Yeah, it was pretty saaaweet.”
G: “Sounds pretty sweet. I was at Yale. No big deal. Wanna do some blow?”
L: “Ummm, did you even need to ask???”
G: “Here, come behind this giant David The Gnome sculpture with me”
1 minute and 23 seconds later.
G: “So I *sniffle* heard you killed a guy in Midland when you ran a stopsign… That true?”
L: “I don’t really wanna talk about that, George. Sorta… trying to forget about that.”
G: “That’s cool. Y’know I killed a guy once, too.
L: “Really?”
G: “Yep. Back in ‘Nam.”
L: “God, you’re so interesting.”
G: “Yeah, it was nothin’. No big deal, really. Hey, check out this putt.”
L: “Ohhh, almost!”
G: “Ehh, fuck it. Baseball’s my real game, anyway. And drinkin’!! He, he. You know what I’m sayin??? He, he.”
L: “So I heard your dad was maybe gonna be the next candidate for Vice President. That’s a pretty big deal.”
G: “Fuck him.”
L: “I guess politics isn’t your thing. What do you want to do with your life, then?”
G: “I don’t know. Let’s go to Bennigan’s.”
MB Sconyers
First dates are completely, totally, and inexcusably obsolete. There is just no good reason for them to exist any longer.
Join me, my friends, in the quest to eliminate first dates forever. I am hereby refusing to ever go on a first date again.
And it’s not because I’m condemning myself to a life of isolation and celibacy. No, no. It’s just that I don’t want to ever again be in the awkward position of staring at the stranger in front of me and trying desperately to find something, anything, to talk to them about.
Think about the concept behind the word “relationship.” A relationship, of any kind, fundamentally can’t exist without something on which to relate.
That’s why you need context. To find out how to effectively achieve this, everybody should turn to us, the Facebook generation, and take an important lesson.
We wouldn’t go out with somebody before first checking out their interests to make sure we don’t have film or literary tastes that will direly clash, or you know, disagree about trite, trivial things like religion or politics. We wouldn’t agree to being confined to a dinner table with someone without cruising through their news feed to make sure they aren’t going to bore you to death by the time dessert arrives. And we definitely wouldn’t agree to a date before carefully examining each and every one of their 1,827 photos to extract hidden clues about their personality.
It’s just not efficient to sit around and tell your entire life story anymore. Not that it ever was, but there is certainly no excuse for it now. We invest an enormous amount of time, painstakingly documenting and sharing the stories and images of our lives online. A potential date should want to take a little bit of time to absorb all of that in advance, so that neither of you waste any time on something that wasn’t ever going to work out.
Sure, there will always still be a “first date,” but it won’t feel the same. You’ll be able to relate to each other already, because you’re starting out at a higher level. (That is, of course, assuming they still want to go out with you after finding you on Facebook. They could determine that you’re a total weirdo.)
So, next time, instead of giving somebody your number, give them your name and networks. Let them get to know you. Digitally.
Just don’t forget to look through their album of Profile Pictures. You can learn a lot about a person from the photos they choose as their Profile Pictures.
Melissa Sconyers is an uber geek who is obsessed with technology, search engines, start-ups, and China. Click the links to check out her blog and website.
This is the beginning of a potential guest post a week at Blommit.com. If you’re interested, e-mail us at contact@Blommit.com.
They met on a chilly night in October in a small college town in Virginia.
He ripped the sleeve of his t-shirt on a greasy bicycle chain. She laughed at his clumsy demeanor. He smiled back, trying not to look too stupid.
It was awkward. Probably too awkward to watch. But neither cared. The awkward air made it all the more interesting.
3 a.m. conversations were triggered by the burning taste of imported rum chased with fruit juice of varying colors and flavors. He told her his secrets. She showed him a picture of a man who had his head blown off by a shotgun.
It was bizarre, yet charming. Not even they could explain it.
Then came February. The awkwardness had dissipated to a degree due to twenty-two late night conversations and a Queen of Hearts playing card. But it was still limited to graphic pictures of murder victims and secrets whispered across a dimly lit room in the wee hours of the morning.
It needed to be more. They both knew it. He made the move to make it more.
The night was special. It was their first.
There was BBQ with a side of slow, awkward chewing and talking. There were wrong directions and hobos beating each other with 2x4s in front of a laundromat. There was irony and opportunity and Taco Bell because she wanted it.
There were no red roses. No stiff collars or shiny shoes. No lies about owning a sailboat or having slept with Grace Kelly.
It was honest. It was bizarre. And it was perfect, of course.
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THE PLACE TO FIND A first DATE
By
Jordan Childs .
02.25.09 //
First Dates
// THE PLACE TO FIND A first DATE
By
Jordan Childs .
02.25.09 //
First Dates
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Better Than Chili’s
By
Tristan Smith .
02.24.09 //
First Dates
// Better Than Chili’s
By
Tristan Smith .
02.24.09 //
First Dates
The mattress store in Mesa, AZ. Of love.
Regarding first dates, a wise man on the internet once wrote: “Be funny, bring money.” The combination of paying for cool stuff while saying cool stuff is pretty much all it takes. But in case you’re some kind of social masochist that loves the smell of flushed, embarrassed flesh, here are some spots to get awkward.
LENSCRAFTERS
Giggling and laughing while putting cute little frames on cute little faces sounds like it could be a good idea, but it won’t go like that. You’ll take turns sitting in a small dark room with a sorta-doctor. You’ll compare prescriptions. You’ll lament the age of the magazines. And while you’ll have accomplished something, you’ll choose to move on with your lives separately.
A LANDFILL
“But think about how much cool stuff there is in a landfill!” you’ll sell. And a few chardonnays in, with the sun just starting to slip below the horizon, she’ll agree. Only, it won’t be like that; it will be a Saturday morning spent on a massive pile of stinking, gull-circled muck, punctuated by rusted-out Fords. Unbridled enthusiasm resulting in the discovery of a piece of jewelry is your only hope, and even then, the cartons of rotting condoms will doom you no matter what.
A MATTRESS STORE
Actually, this might be a good one.
YOUR GYM’S POOL
You’ve never been to your gym’s pool, but maybe now, with a glimmer of hope for companionship in your life, is the time.
No it’s not.
It’s too warm. It’s too dark. You’re surrounded by old people. It’s the opposite of glamor. It’s romalg. Which sounds Norwegian.
And that’s fitting, because no Norwegian would ever go out with you.
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What You Think – What You Say
By
Charles Hodges .
02.23.09 //
First Dates
// What You Think – What You Say
By
Charles Hodges .
02.23.09 //
First Dates
First dates can be the first steps in a journey of a thousand miles. They can also be the first steps in a journey of however far away your car is parked.
First dates are social appetizers where we attempt to project an image of ourselves that is whatever we think the other person wants to hear. We never take any true risk in our language or behavior. We never reveal our true selves.
Our culture demands time to acclimate to the eccentricities of the intimate personality.
First dates are the “is this person fucking crazy” test. What kind of drink will this person order? Will they talk about flesh wounds? Will they go the bathroom more than five times? Do they like country music?
But the truth is that all of us are crazy, some of us just reveal it sooner. You could even say that sanity is only used to describe those of us that reveal ourselves the slowest. Very few librarians end up in padded white rooms.
But we should just come out with it. We should announce our intentions. We should save each other’s time and get to the heart of things.
It doesn’t have to be like this (apologies for the gender bias):
Question from her: So what do you do in your free time?
What you think: Well, I check my e-mail about thirty-nine times a day, so I do that a lot. Sometimes those emails will lead me to other funny little sites. If I’m at home and my roommates are gone, I might surf for some porn and then you know. After that I usually open a box of Cheez-Its and watch DVRed episodes of The Soup. If I don’t have diarrhea, I may or may not go on a jog. Sometimes, I just sit in my desk chair, strum my guitar and stare at lent on my bedside table.
What you say: I like to workout.
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Question from her: What do you want to do with your life?
What you think: What a bland, generic question. I mean, I really don’t care. I would love to have a job that made me a lot of money even if I didn’t get to see my family that much. I will probably bore of marriage after the kids get older, so if I was in a work setting that had a bunch of young, easy tail that would make my whole search for an affair a little easier. Although I kind of believe in God, I really don’t want to be involved with a church or anything like that. Don’t get me wrong, I like to give homeless people money, I just don’t want to get up on Sundays. Hopefully, I can spend most of my retirement playing golf with my friends and going to strip clubs. We’ll see.
What you say: That’s a very interesting question. I always think about a quote my grandfather told me, “find a girl to love, a house to live in, a family to raise and job that let’s you enjoy those things.” That pretty much sums me up. We’ll see.
——-
Question from her: What are you going to get to eat?
What you think: Well, I would get the blue burger, but you like the kind that gets offended by meat. I already fucked up and got a beer when you got an unsweet tea so we are already on opposite sides of the beverage issue, which brings to my mind an even greater divide when it comes to the realm of social interaction. I am willing to bet that you are someone who doesn’t drink except on very special occasions, which means that, when you do drink, you get wasted very quickly. This means that if this continues and we get married, every special occasion in my entire life will be marked by a sloppy, light-weight performance by you. When you get drunk you probably like to get on stage and sing. You won’t remember it and I will spend every Sunday after any kind of party telling you that “no one even cared” when I secretly will know that everyone cared and that we can never go back over there again because not only did you embarrass both of us, but when you got on stage to sing “Ice-Ice baby” all you did was incessantly repeat “like a poisonous mushroom – Deadly” and start laughing. So, I guess I’ll just get the nachos because that will at least make you think I have no real respect for my body and hopefully steer you away from wanting anything long term with me, considering I won’t be around to “enjoy” our retirement.
What you say: I’ll have the hummus plate.
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