Hand-Me-Downs

// Sharp-Dressed Man

By Alex Aloise .
12.13.09 // Hand-Me-Downs

First day of High School. This is going to be epic. My name is Chance for a reason. Because there’s not a chance that I won’t be the most popular guy at Grand Valley by the end of the week.

And to secure my rise to the top of the social pyramid? How about this sick new wardrobe? I’ve been watching the high school trends for the last year. I know what’s in: VINTAGE. So this year I’m going all vintage. But not only that, I’m going all green too. Everything recycled. EVERYTHING. My mom asked me if I wanted to go shopping for new school clothes. Know what I said? I said “I’m already ahead of you” and then I started pulling boxes out of the attic. God, they’re not gonna know what hit’em.

Hey Grand Valley High, did you know that my dad won the 1989 Ashtabula County Squash Grower’s Association Squash-Off? Well you do now, ‘cause it’s on my shirt.

Oh thank you, Crystal McAfee – Sophomore Supermodel – this IS a nice a jacket. And if you place your hand on any part of it for five seconds, it will change colors. I know, that IS SO COOL, and yes I’d love to go out with you Friday night.

Where did I get this badass hat, you say? Why at the Regalbuto family reunion of course. IN 1994! SUCK IT! And yes, the mesh in the back does allow my hair to breathe.

Oh I’m sorry Todd Crawford – Junior Track Star – did I step on your foot? Oh man I seem to have scuffed your New Balances. Well at least my shoes didn’t get any schmutz on them. I’d hate to have some dirt and mud covering the heels….WHERE THE LIGHTS ARE!!!!

You’re goddamned right I’m using a lunch box!

Thanks, I like my backpack a lot too. It’s jumbo sized so I can fit all of my books in it, and not have to carry half of them around like you do. The extra pockets and compartments let me hold more pens, pencils and my calculator. Plus, Willow is, like, my favorite movie.

You’re right Matt Evanston – Quarterback/SGA President – these are sweet jeans. Yeah, they are wicked vintage. Yup, the elastic does look killer. And my mom got her first period in these when she was 17. CLASSIC!

No question. I’ve got High School in the bag.

View Comments / Dec 13.09 / Hand-Me-Downs / by Alex Aloise

// Dear Goodwill,

By Jake Dubs .
12.12.09 // Hand-Me-Downs

I just want to say thank you.

Thank you for the miles of cotton, denim and fabric you throw together on mismatched hangers in beautiful, colorful randomness.

Thank you for providing me with nearly 1/3 of my awesome t-shirt collection, including 3 of my 5 favorites.

Thank you for the obscene amount of money you’ve saved me over the years, even if much of that money went to extra laundry detergent I used to wash what you gifted me several times over to get out the hobo smell.

Thank you for that janitor’s jacket I wore last Halloween. …Really? A janitor’s jacket? You actually sold me that for $2.99? Amazing.

Thank you for the countless Halloweens before that, for those ridiculous pants, those cheap sunglasses, those awful Christmas sweaters, that woman’s blouse.

Thank you for singlehandedly helping me have the best outfit at my Fraternity’s annual “What the fuck are you wearing?” Mixer 4 years in a row. No one had any clue what the fuck I was wearing.

Thank you for making my skin feel tingling and strange after trying on dozens of other people’s old, unwanted shirts and jeans. A shower the second I got home was all that was needed.

Thank you for existing, Goodwill. You’re a true part of my life.

I love you.

Jake

View Comments / Dec 12.09 / Hand-Me-Downs / by Jake Dubs

// Craislist ad: Looking for man’s hand to hand-me-down a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt to (Flatiron).

By Ben Cheney .
12.11.09 // Hand-Me-Downs

Click image or link for actual Craigslist ad: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/clo/1505170589.html

View Comments / Dec 11.09 / Hand-Me-Downs / by Ben Cheney

// the portrait of plain a woman

By Jordan Childs .
12.10.09 // Hand-Me-Downs

View Comments / Dec 10.09 / Hand-Me-Downs / by Jordan Childs

// The Hand-Me-Down Model of Genetics

By Sarah Pappalardo .
12.07.09 // Hand-Me-Downs

When I was young my parents couldn’t afford brand-new genes, so I had to use theirs. It was really embarrassing. They gave me some crap I really didn’t want, and I couldn’t return it and didn’t want to make them feel bad so I just smiled and nodded and went on with life.

View Comments / Dec 07.09 / Hand-Me-Downs / by Sarah Pappalardo

// Hand-Me-Don’ts

By Joey Camire .
12.07.09 // Hand-Me-Downs

Growing up, dressing myself was a lot like freedom of speech during the Bush Administration; You can say whatever you want, but someone is watching you, so you’d better not say the wrong thing.  Thankfully, when I was dressing myself as a small child that person watching me was not Dick Cheney.  However, I essentially had an arsenal of acceptable school clothes as established by my mother until entering 7th grade.  Any deviation from established guidelines resulted in the wrath, and she had little tolerance for recidivism.

Usually when we went shopping for new clothes she’d listen to my input and the resulting wardrobe was not terribly offensive.  There would be the occasional piece that she would purchase on her own, something she though looked “Nice” which translates to “On Sale.”  But the worst of all wardrobe evils was Hand-Me-Downs.  Growing up we didn’t have a ton of money, but what I did have was a cousin who was a few years older than me.  The result was a steady flow of clothes coming my way at the beginning of every season and growth spurt.

The problem with not having money is that my mother inevitably decided to keep the Hand-Me-Downs.  The economic necessity of the situation would cloud her judgment and everything became “just what he needs.”  Trust me, I did not need a new Bugle Boy cardigan purchased 5 years prior in size “Husky.”  I was not even a “Regular,” nay, I was a “Slim.”  Inevitably though, those are the types of things that come down the Hand-Me-Down chain.  A sparkling new pair of Body Glove shorts that look like they were worn on the set of ‘Wet Wild And Crazy Kids!’, a teal sweater that would make even Bill Cosby cringe.  Honestly, look at this picture.

That leads me to my point, 300 or so words of context later.  There are certain objects that you never want to get as Hand-Me-Downs.  A handful of things, that almost never work out for the best, and who’s power over mothers is almost all encompassing!

-Sweaters- Sweaters that arrive to your house in a white garbage bag filled with “Previously Loved” clothing can bring tears to the eyes of any 8 year old.  Mothers have an instinctual drive to keep their children warm.  Fearful of their child ‘catching cold’, they often over dress their kids just in case.  For this reason sweaters immediately create a warm feeling in a mothers womb, as they fall in love with the heat bringing power they have.  Unfortunately Hand-Me-Down sweaters are infallibly hideous.  If they looked good the original owner never would have gotten rid of them in the first place.  As the temperatures of Northern New England dropped moms everywhere shove sweaters over their childrens heads, drying the crocodile tears as they stretch over their over-sized skulls.

-Anything That Matches- Mom’s also have an instinctive drive for matching.  The moment they give birth to their first child they can’t help but make things match above all else.  As is often the case with Hand-Me-Downs, they were clothes too ugly for normal people to wear, but if they match anything you own your mother would not be able to resist herself.  In my own personal life it resulted in wearing maroon jeans with maroon shirts, green jeans with green shirts, blue jeans with blue shirts… you get the picture!

-Shoes- They will never, ever, ever, ever fit.  If they are too big, you will never grow into them, you will somehow skip the exact size.  Even if they would appear to be the right length they will always have the original owners foot imprints in the sole.  Walking a mile in another shoes is entirely over rated.

-Clothes With The Tag Still On Them- Another irritable mom magnet are clothes that were handed down with the store tags still on them.  No matter how ugly, unfitting, or strange smelling they are moms will still make you wear them… “Cause they still have the tags on them.”  Parachute pants do not look good no matter what you do to them, no store tag can ever change that.

Sadly, as a potential future father, I will have no power to save my children from this wretched fate.  They too will have to experience this on their own.  I saw my own father shoot me empathetic looks as a sweater was pulled over a turtleneck, cringing powerless over my mothers drive to keep me warm.  Everybody knows a dad stands no chance in interfering with a mothers instincts.  I can only hope some day I have the means to buy my children new clothes, and shelter them from the terror of Hand-Me-Downs.

View Comments / Dec 07.09 / Hand-Me-Downs / by Joey Camire