Letters of Resignation

// The Easy Way Out

By Jake Dubs .
02.15.09 // Letters of Resignation

View Comments / Feb 15.09 / Letters of Resignation / by Jake Dubs

// 11,647 white ticks and tocks

By Ben Cheney .
02.14.09 // Letters of Resignation

View Comments / Feb 14.09 / Letters of Resignation / by Ben Cheney

// One way to quit your job

By Jordan Childs .
02.13.09 // Letters of Resignation

View Comments / Feb 13.09 / Letters of Resignation / by Jordan Childs

// Rarer and darker than the rarest, darkest chocolate.

By Tristan Smith .
02.12.09 // Letters of Resignation

In the interest of trumping my compatriots without working very hard, let us (you and me, not them) consider the greatest resignation letter in the history of the Universe.  That way, all of their columns will look frail and impotent in comparison.

On August 9th, 1974, Richard Millhouse Nixon signed his name and relinquished the title of “most powerful person on Earth, ever”, aka, the President of the United States in 1974.  Think about what that must have felt like.  You work your entire life, building a career in politics and public service, again and again rising above your peers, finally being selected as “the one.”  And then, one warm August evening, you’re sitting in your cornerless office, in your majestic, presidential chair, and there is a piece of paper in front of you.  And a pen.  And it sinks in: moments from now, it will all be over.  You have near infinite power, and fifteen seconds from now, ink absorbing into vellum stock #292 will signal the end of all of it.  There is nothing you can do.  Henry Kissinger is looking at you, with his big jowly face fixed in its permanent frown.

You pick up the pen.

I do not think I am a skilled enough writer to put those emotions into words.  I know only their bredth, not their depth.  And so I will end with the piece of history itself.  Gaze upon it.  Put Nixon’s heart inside your own chest.  Feel it out.

The imagination can only do so much, but even a taste of that dark cocktail of emotions, unique to his time and place, is worth the effort.  With luck, you will never feel it again.

View Comments / Feb 12.09 / Letters of Resignation / by Tristan Smith

// It Don’t Gotta Be Words

By Charles Hodges .
02.11.09 // Letters of Resignation

Not all letters of resignation are letters.

In fact, not all letters of resignation even come from the departing entity with intention.

Take the following examples:

Michael Phelps letter of resignation to Kellogs.

Eddie Murhpy’s letter of resignation to his career.

Janet Jackson’s letter of resignation to NFL and live television as a whole.

Bill Clinton’s letter of resignation to America.

Winona Ryder’s letter of resignation to future work and/or courting husbands.

Connie Chung’s letter of resignation to Connie Chung.

Isuzu’s letter of resignation to the decade of the nineties.

Rosie O’Donnell’s letter of resignation to temptation.

Case in point.  Adieu.

View Comments / Feb 11.09 / Letters of Resignation / by Charles Hodges

// In God We Trust(ed)…

By Joey Camire .
02.10.09 // Letters of Resignation

Dear America,
I regretfully present you with my letter of resignation. It has been a long time coming, though I never thought I could have ever been treated as poorly as in recent years. I have been under appreciated and over worked. I’ve been asked to do jobs that I just didn’t have the ability to fulfill.

I’ve been given more work that I can handle. Pushed to my limits. I’ve had people forge my signature on contracts I had no right endorsing. I thought I commanded more respect but I’ve been reduced to the company of elementary school permission slips. People have told others that I would support their work, when they knew there was no way I could. I feel like a bra with no under-wire.

I used to be respected the world over. I used to mean something. I set the standard for all others to work toward. I’ve been here since the very beginning, working for all of you. Now I’m not even worth my weight in gold.

What happened America? When did you forget what I was worth? When did you lose sight of all that I stood for? I’m not even sure I can remember what that was anymore.

Well no more, I quit. The truth is, I’m not even sure you’ll notice. You’ll probably just keep assigning me jobs as if nothing happened. Well, I won’t be stimulating anything besides myself for the time being. That sounds a lot like what congress has been doing the past few weeks.  Seems like fun.

However, I’m not without a heart. I’ve gotten in contact with a replacement, here is his card. You all should be very familiar with his style, after all that’s pretty much the way you have been treating me since January 2001. If you need me, I’ll be in China.

Regretfully,
The Dollar $$

View Comments / Feb 10.09 / Letters of Resignation / by Joey Camire

// One Postscript Too Far

By Alex Aloise .
02.09.09 // Letters of Resignation

March 13, 2009

Samantha K. Umbredge
Server
Slappy’s All-American Spaghetti Bar

Dear Mr. Slapolski,

As much as I have come to love my experience and all of the wonderful people at Slappy’s, I’ve been offered another position which I simply cannot pass up. Therefore, I am submitting this letter as my official resignation, effective immediately.

I apologize for the abrupt nature of my departure but I could only accept this new position if I began Monday morning.

Thank you for the wonderful opportunities you have provided me. I will always look back on my time at Slappy’s as a happy one.

Sincerely,
Samantha Kyleen Umbredge

PS: While preparing the tray for today’s raviolis, I had to stand on the counter and above the burner to reach for a new jar of Marinara. If you happen to come across it, could you please return my diaphragm?

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May 14, 2009

Frederick W. Portnoir
President
Tuckahoe Financial

Dear TF team,

As you all know, some recent allegations have been made about my character.  I feel the best course of action is for me to step down immediately and deal with the matter in private, protecting Tuckahoe Financial from any further public scrutiny.

I cannot begin to describe how much it pains me to be leaving all of you wonderful, hardworking individuals.  I am so proud of what you all have accomplished.  Please continue to make Tuckahoe Financial the best it can be.

Sincerely,
Frederick Walker Portnoir

PS: I would like to once again stress that I made the decision to promote Joffrey De La Puerta to the position of Vice-President because of his work ethic and dedication to the company, NOT because of his sweet, sweet balloon knot.

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November 12, 2009

Kenneth T. Duggan
Stock Boy
Febkin Family Footwear

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Febkin,

Since you refuse to believe that I did not sexually assault your daughter in the stock room, I must submit this letter of resignation.

I am deeply hurt that you would even think that I could be capable of such behavior.  I have been nothing but a model employee, as well as a friend to your family, for the last 23 months.

I truly thought our relationship was a closer one.  Regardless, thank you for the employment opportunity you gave me.

Sincerely,
Kenneth Tanner Duggan

PS: I take all that back.  Screw you both.  I grabbed her ass.  It was for her own good.  That’s the most action she’ll see till she’s forced to pay a day laborer named Ernesto for a diddle behind the Dairy Queen.  You two hereditarily ruined her.  Your whole family has the combined sex appeal of a pre-teen snuff film.

Get AIDS,
Kenny

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August 31, 2009

Robert B. Johns
Sales Assistant
Parzoni’s Printer Palace

Dear Mr. Parzoni,

Please accept this letter as formal notification that I am leaving my position with your Printer Palace on September 15.

Thank you for the opportunities you have provided me during my time with the company. If I can be of any assistance during this transition, please let me know.

Sincerely,
Robert Baskin Johns

PS: Should you have me train my replacement within these next two weeks, my only request is that it not be a Jew.

View Comments / Feb 09.09 / Letters of Resignation / by Alex Aloise