Pilots

Pilots

The long lost seventh member of The Village People, Lynn Boyd, speaks out about the trials and joys of being in, and being kicked out of the group.

The Village People circa 1978

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View Comments / Mar 29.09 / Pilots / by Ben Cheney

// A Guide to Writing Pilots

By Jordan Childs .
03.27.09 // Pilots

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View Comments / Mar 27.09 / Pilots / by Jordan Childs

// WE CAN’T DO ANYTHING.

By Tristan Smith .
03.26.09 // Pilots

With insurance men stuffing breast pockets with stacks of hundreds, America, cyclops of the West, once again turns its all-seeing eye towards revolution. From the tents of each latter-day Hooverville come the grunts and shouts of a frustrated nation, unsure of its future, desperate for the slush of a pre-9/11 empire.

But a horde with pickets is not a revolution. Even if this does turn out to be a bit of 1929-itis, a class revolution is unlikely, and here’s why:

In a huge country like America, moving important things by air has become the norm. Need to be somewhere tomorrow? You don’t get in a truck. And as long as pilots continue to make salaries in the hundred-thousand dollar range, it’s going to be difficult persuading them to join a proletariat movement. It’s going to be difficult to get them to join anything.

So while the internet may be the cradle of some new voice calling for searing, rending change in a partially zombified, partially reborn country, a revolution isn’t near.

Skills pay bills. Paid bills mean happy people. Happy people don’t revolt.

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View Comments / Mar 26.09 / Pilots / by Tristan Smith

// Pilots: A Videosongstory

By Charles Hodges .
03.26.09 // Pilots

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View Comments / Mar 26.09 / Pilots / by Charles Hodges

// Bus Driver In The Sky

By Joey Camire .
03.25.09 // Pilots

In modern society, career choice is one of the largest contributors to sex appeal. It is unavoidable. In a culture so based on professional success and monetary gain it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. It isn’t a totally unfounded idea, someone’s career can tell you a lot about a person. Their level of intelligence, ambition, propensity for social interactions, or willingness to take risks are all things that can be conveyed by someones career. All are relevant in choosing a mate. Right? Makes total sense from an evolutionary perspective.

That said, like most things, career choices naturally fall in to some sort of (albeit reasonably subjective) hierarchy based on the level of sex appeal they offer. For a very long time Pilots were at the top of that list and for good reason. Commercial flight was brand new, it was risky, on the edge and the picture of masculinity.

Top Careers For Sexual Appeal – 1975
1)Pilot
2)Actor
3)Astronaut
4)Doctor
5)Politician

But over time the sex appeal of pilots has started to sag more than Michael Douglas’s skin below the neck line. We are talking saggage like Diane Keaton breasts in “Something’s Gotta Give”. Today it has sagged lower than Octomom’s lady parts. When was the last time you heard a pilot over the loud speakers and got turned on? The question, though, is why has this happened? I smell a conspiracy!

If you look at that list, you will notice that the number two was Actors. The actors were number one ever since William Shakespeare got inside half of England. The actors had been on top for a long time and they were not going to take their dethroning sitting down, so they fired back. They let loose an onslaught of terrible movies to reduce pilots to the company of mere mortals. I’ve created a graph to illustrate it.

Today, thanks to the likes of Samuel L. Jackson, pilots have the sexual appeal of, well, Samuel L. Jackson. Pilots whom were once at the top of the list have been reduced to “Bus Drivers In The Sky”.

The Actors also plucked astronauts off that list as well. Movies like Mission to Mars, Rocket Man and Armageddon made small work of the “Space Cowboys”. Unfortunately for them, while focusing all of their attention on ruining pilots and astronauts, the actors got distracted. Today the list looks like this.

Top Careers For Sexual Appeal – 2009
1) Jonas Brother
2) Actor
3) Personal Trainer
4) Therapist
5) Contributor at Blommit.com

I have a feeling that the Jonas Brothers won’t be up there for long. The actors aren’t staging a massive coup, on the contrary, it’s not needed. They’re just leaving them to their own devices! Let’s see them stay on top after this one…