Retirement

// I’m Going To “Untire”

By Joey Camire .
09.13.09 // Retirement

Generally speaking, retirement is viewed by us kinderlings as the time when you finally get to stop working.  You get to relax.  Considering the way my life has gone thus far, an opportunity to relax would be awesome.  I’ve had a job since I was 14 mixed in with 21 years of school if preschool and kindergarten count, and they should, cause they were hard then.  I’m only 24.  That’s 88% of my life dedicated to something.

While this retirement thing sounds absolutely incredible now, when I’m young and VERY virile, I can see how it might not be as wonderful 40 years from now.  Right now I’m looking at it as everything vacations are supposed to be, but never actually end up being.  You know, get up whenever you feel like it.  Sit out in the sun for a little.  Maybe watch some TV or a movie.  Take a nap. Eat food that you know you shouldn’t, but hey, it’s vacation.  Take a nap. Sleep with that hoo… Well, that’s vacation in Tijuana.

The point is, vacation is wonderful when the rest of your life is completely dedicated to other things.  If your day to day is work or school, kids, PTA, paying bills, running errands, every once in a while you need a fucking break.  But when you retire you have foregone most of those things.  You don’t work any more, your kids are long gone, it would be creepy if you were in the PTA, bill paying is on a fixed system… Not a whole lot going on in terms of day to day obligations.  You do not need a vacation, you need an adrenaline shot to your day to day.

The fact is, the odds are stacked against you statistically, by retiring you greatly increase the probability of you kicking the proverbial bucket.  Buying the proverbial farm.  Just getting involved in way too many proverbs.  And everyone knows the proverb about proverbs.

I think it is a semantic issue.  The word retirement sets you up to die.  “Ceasing to work.” I mean think about that.  It just sounds like a machine that has broken or stopped working as well as it could so you have to buy a new one.  The word sounds like you are tired, like your just ready to pack it in and ride it out. “Ceasing to work.” No specifics as to what on, just in general, you don’t work.  If that’s not a kick in the pills, I don’t know what is.  Well, I mean I know, but you see where I was going with that.  The institution of retirement sucks.

Instead I plan on “Untiring” or ramping up for “Untirement.” Even if I didn’t tell you what it was, it already sounds better. This isn’t one of those cases where you simply re-word something in an attempt to make the same thing sound better.  Example, adult diapers, appropriate for this conversation.  Most retirement facilities now call them “Attends” instead of “Depends” because dependency is negative.  Well you are still wearing diapers no matter how you look at it.  You’re just polishing a turd, pun intended. No, “Untirement” is not like that, it has rules!

Do something everyday – Because everyone needs purpose
Wear a sweater everyday – Makes you seem mysterious, plus you’re old, so you’re cold.
Don’t complain – Cause no one wants to hear it
Don’t live in “Older Communities” – You may lose sight of the real world
Carry change for children – Cause children’s smiles are rejuvenating
Do something you’ve never done every week – Purely because you have the time
Talk to strangers – It will keep you connected
Tell Stories – It will remind you how good you had it
Give Advice – It will give your learning back to society
Stay open minded -  Don’t be one of those old people who can’t be told anything.
Dance – It will keep your libido up
Laugh – It will make you appreciate life
Listen to pop music – It will make you appreciate change
Have dreams of something that you can help to achieve but never see accomplished yourself – It will add a sense of urgency to your days.

Truth be told that sounds like something I should be doing now.  Matter of fact I might start trying. However, if you have decided to stop working and aren’t following these tenants… well, why not?  Murder She Wrote, Matlock and Golden Girls can wait.  B. Arthur would have wanted it!

In the end, when I finish working, I may not have the charge and tenacity that I do today.  Maybe I’ll be a little more weary, and a lot more jaded, but the purpose of an “Untirement” is not to go gently into that good night.  The purpose is to go our fighting.  To never TIRE of the joys or of the pains life brings.

I hope you “Untire” some day.  Soon maybe.  And keep going until you can’t.  You’ll be happier that you did.  And the world will be better for it.

View Comments / Sep 13.09 / Retirement / by Joey Camire

// More Options Than College Football

By Bobby Nelson .
09.12.09 // Retirement

With retirement, life is just beginning, albeit with more wrinkles and arthritic joints. However, the loose skin and lack of agile movement shouldn’t prevent one from making some decent scratch even after the 401(k) kicks in. Here are some alternatives for the 20-somethings when it’s our turn to forget the names of grandchildren and add “the” to every current phenomenon (i.e. “What’cha playin’ there? The Xbox 7000?).

Professional Shuffleboard

Geriatrics vs. Whippersnappers: The Rivalry Continues

This game has been a staple of elder folk for over 500 years. So given the game’s lengthy history and propensity to become overly intense (see graphic), why couldn’t this garner some sponsorship over the next 40 years? Icyhot is on the phone.

Fantasy Football

I’ll taaaaaaake…Vinny Testaverde…yea, he’s still playing.

While this may seem more a more male-oriented post-retirement option, research shows that female membership in fantasy leagues is rising each year. Additionally, an estimated $2 Million is spent and exchanged on fantasy football in the United States every year. Why not turn your diversion from actual work into practice for your real career?

Consultant

Clearly knows what he’s doing.

You’ve done an excellent job at your chosen career. In fact, you were a model (insert employment status here). What better way to make some coin than tell those on the cutting edge to employ your antiquated practices disguised in the form of sage advisement?

Robot Opponent

“Get’cher megabits and automated sensory system off mah property!”

Chances are that by the time we’re ready to collect after a life of working 40+ hours a week, most of our jobs will have been replaced by automatons (see Cashier vs. Automatic Checkout). By raising an army and collecting dues at a local Moose Lodge or Lions Club, you could make a pretty decent living off of the bitter and vengeful.

View Comments / Sep 12.09 / Retirement / by Bobby Nelson

// Retirement

By Elektrovideo .
09.12.09 // Retirement

The End from elektrovideo on Vimeo.

View Comments / Sep 12.09 / Retirement / by Elektrovideo

// I’m Pretired

By Alex Aloise .
09.12.09 // Retirement

I don’t have a job.
I don’t make any money from Blommit.
That being said, retirement is light years away in my mind.
However, I currently find myself in a somewhat-similar state.
I’ve just finished a 19 year educational career.
Now I’m at a point where I’m just doing nothing.
Yes, I’m actively searching for gainful employment.
But basically all I’m doing is looking for the entrance to the next chapter of my life.
Isn’t that what retirement is?
The in-the-middle time between the professional life you knew, and whatever comes next?
Maybe after your company gives you that sweet pension and silver watch you’ll decide to become a painter.
Perhaps you’ll take up professional Frisbee Golf.
You just might move onto a different company and start a whole new career.
Or maybe your retirement will consist of you just relaxing, enjoying the spoils of all your hard work by simply doing nothing and loving it.
Retirement is that last gasp of freedom before senility sets in.
It’s the final opportunity to enjoy your life before all you’re able to do is reminisce on it.
I suppose you could call this my Pretirement.
This is my last hurrah before the working world sucks me up into its clutches.
These are my final days before all I’m able to do…is think about all the things I’ll be able to do once I’m retired.

View Comments / Sep 12.09 / Retirement / by Alex Aloise

// Anybody Have 10 Million Bucks? We Could Do This.

By Todd Lamb .
09.11.09 // Retirement

RETIREMENT: THE MOVIE

When a small tire store owner in Omaha tries to retire (Gary Busey), the hot shot mayor of the town (Ryan Seacrest) makes him stay on the job for another 30 years. Will he fake a heart attack to slip out of town, or simply stay at the same shitty job selling tires?

A fast-paced feature film, full of bad acting and tire puns– with a soundtrack by Creed.

Release date TBD.

View Comments / Sep 11.09 / Retirement / by Todd Lamb

// It’s An Acronym. Trust Me.

By Jake Dubs .
09.11.09 // Retirement

R eal-life

E lders

T aking

I mpromptu

R oundabout

E xtreme

M exican

E easygoing

N ightfishing

T rips

—

R eally

E lderly

T oothless

I nvalids

R elaxing

E ven

M ore

E very

N ight

T owards (…death)

—

R emorseful

E lders

T rying (to)

I incohrently

R ecall

E very

M arvelous

E xcitement

N ot

T aken

—

R amshackle

E lfish

T iny

I nfirm (yet)

R owdy

E lderly

M en

E ngaging (in)

N ew

T endencies

—

R eluctant

E lders

T aking

I n

R eceeding

E nthusiastic

M onths

E ach

N ew

T ime

Okay, fine. Don’t trust me.

View Comments / Sep 11.09 / Retirement / by Jake Dubs

// When I retire, I want to lose it.

By Ben Cheney .
09.10.09 // Retirement

I want to grow a wild beard and let the hair grow out of my ears.

I want to become unkempt and old and strange.

I want to live in a house in the woods and have bears and deer for pets.

I want to read interesting books and write very short stories and ignore technology and forget about the ultra modern world and wear flannel pants.

I want to study culture of world’s past and have long, interesting, yet nonsensical conversations with other strange individuals over rum in a dimly lit backwoods bar.

When I retire, I want to lose it.

View Comments / Sep 10.09 / Retirement / by Ben Cheney

// Your Death Will Be Graded

By Sarah Pappalardo .
09.10.09 // Retirement

One of the most absurd programs ever to grace the primetime network television screen had one of the most progressive ideas about end-of-life planning I’ve ever encountered. When a citizens turns 72, they are thrown off a cliff. That show was the animatronic puppet genius that was “Dinosaurs.”

But I’m not going to talk about 90′s television. I’m going to talk about my grandmas. See, one of my grandmas liked Jack-in-the-Box and sitting, and she died of a heart attack at 72. My other grandma also eats and sits a lot, but she is 92 and alive. So let’s take Grandma #1 (we’ll call her Grandma D, because she is dead), Grandma #2 (let’s call her a Drain on the System) and Hypothetical Awesome Grandma and compare how they may in the past or the future have died an awesome death like being thrown off a cliff:

Grandma D

Cheeseburger in hand, Grandma D had a heart attack and she was sent to a hospital. She stayed in the hospital for a few days, said her goodbyes to her many loving children, pondered her life, her regrets and all the hopes and dreams she had as a child. Then a second heart attack came, and she flew away to heaven on SPACESHIP BORING.

Grandma Drain on the System

After convincing her nuclear family she would die by age 60, GDS carried on, outliving her husband and many of her loved ones. After being torn by family betrayal and a tragic dependence on a blood-sucking daughter, she eventually drifted off into senility in her 90′s. One day, she rested her weary head on the pillow and dreamt sweet dreams of an all-encompassing warmth and a higher power of JESUS CHRIST PLANET SNOREFEST.

Hypothetical Awesome Grandma

Gets thrown off a cliff. And smiles.

Retire hard.

View Comments / Sep 10.09 / Retirement / by Sarah Pappalardo

// Inspiration

By Jordan Childs .
09.09.09 // Retirement

View Comments / Sep 09.09 / Retirement / by Jordan Childs

// Subtraction

By Tristan Smith .
09.08.09 // Retirement

At some point in your life, you’ll add up the amount of money you have and compare it to the number of years you believe you have left.
Think about that.  Actually, don’t.  It’s not natural to consider so far in the future.  Those are days you can’t possibly imagine.  Things are going to happen in your life that don’t make sense because they involve things not yet invented and people that don’t yet exist.  Not because they haven’t been born yet, but because the years between now and then will make make them them.

Math is hard.  I’m guessing retirement is too.

View Comments / Sep 08.09 / Retirement / by Tristan Smith

// Over the Hill

By Charles Hodges .
09.07.09 // Retirement

For most of humanity, retirement is the goal of a working life. It is the light at the end of the tunnel – our reward for a life of slamming away from 9 to 5. However, some people don’t buy into it. Even though their financial future is well taken care of, they keep working well past their prime. In a world where man is thought to be his own master, this should be fine. But not for everybody. Because of our mass media culture we are forced to encounter and endure these professional declines. Whatever the case, they need to retire. If you are on this list, and you read this, I am sorry. It’s nothing personal. I like you. I just don’t like the way you do your job anymore. Please, please, retire.

Tyra Banks
Loved you in Sports Illustrated 1995 swimsuit issue, but now, with your talk show, you redefine the lows of human thought.

Lou Holtz
Coach, I applaud your awesome knowledge of the game of football, but, unfortunately, I cannot spend my Saturday mornings listening to ludicrous predictions that involve non sequitur anecdotes about celery.

George Lopez
George Lopez gets paid to be funny. George Lopez isn’t funny. George Lopez needs to stop being paid.

Andy Rooney
“Have you ever seen a lightening bug in a jar? I haven’t eaten outside in a long time. No one reads books anymore. I used to read books. I like books. Tuesdays are a waste of time. Bowtie pasta.”

Carlos Mencia
See description for George Lopez. (No, I do not have anything against hispanic comics.  These guys just both really suck.)

Kim Jong Il
He just really needs to relax. He’s freaking a lot of people out.

Michael McDonald
I know that rednecks who win the lottery need music to play on their yacht, but I just wish their speakers weren’t so fucking loud.

Maury Povich
The world has real problems. Exposing a fast food manager’s love triangle on national television doesn’t help solve them. Maury is married to Connie Chung. He should follow her footsteps.

Let’s continue the conversation. Who do you think should retire and why? Respond below.

View Comments / Sep 07.09 / Retirement / by Charles Hodges