Now put yourself in the shoes of a seven-year-old. Kids sin more than any other group of people on the planet. Not because they are bad or evil, but rather because they just don’t know any better. In fact, a seven-year-old could easily commit every single Deadly Sin at just one birthday party:

Greed
Scotty: “I want to open my presents right now! I have to open them now!”
Mom: “You can open just one present right now, sweety. The rest have to wait until after the cake.”
Scotty: “NOOO! I HAVE TO OPEN THEM NOW!”

Envy
Scotty: “Aww, the Green Ranger? I wanted the White Ranger with Spinning-Spring-Kick. Aaron has the White Ranger. I wanted one too. I hate the Green Ranger.”

Lust
Scotty: “I’m older than you now so you have to let me touch it.”
Tabitha: “Yeah but my mom said the only people who could do that were doctors and God.”
Scotty: “Well I heard my dad tell my uncle that my mom only lets him touch it on his birthday. So you have to too.”

Anger
Scotty: “SHUT UP! I told her I wanted the White Ranger. It’s not my fault. I HATE YOU!”

Wrath
Mom: “Scotty Turner! Why did you punch Aaron in the eye?”
Scotty: “Because he said that since I got the Green Ranger that meant I was a goddamned pussy.”

Sloth
Scotty: “I don’t want to play any games. Duck Duck Goose sucks anyway. I’m just gonna sit here with my birthday cake.”

Gluttony
Mom: “Scotty, I think you’ve had enough cake. Now we don’t have enough for the rest of your friends.”

Pride
Scotty: “Mom, Aaron, come look at the size of this poop I made! There’s sprinkles in it!”

I envy the Professor for being smarter
I envy the comedian for being funnier
I envy the mailman for being outside
I envy Brad Pitt for having everything that comes with being Brad Pitt
I envy the dude who works at the café for the free food he eats
I envy the dog-walker for having a dog
I envy the marathon runner for his lungs
I envy the guy at the gym for his lats
I envy the soldier for being more courageous
I envy the old man for being retired
I envy the traveler for what his eyes have seen
I envy the President for his plane
I envy the designer for having a freer mind
I envy the guy on the computer next to me for his software
I envy the reader for the book he’s got in his hands
I envy the glassblower for being skilled at something, anything
I envy the guy who went to Dartmouth for being able to say he went to Dartmouth
I envy the artist for being more artistic
I envy the blogger for his steady insight into the human experience
I envy the guy with the thick beard for his superior facial hair
I envy the high schooler for still being in high school
I envy the football player for being talked about on TV
I envy the basketball player for his shoes
I envy the rich man for his lack of financial worry
I envy the poor man for his lack of responsibility
I envy the computer programmer for knowing things I never will
I envy the man in the nice coat for having a nice coat
I envy the couple in the window for the meal they’re eating
I envy the friend in San Francisco for being in San Francisco
I envy the friend in New York for being in New York
I envy the friend in Chicago for being in Chicago
I envy the author I’m reading for having an interesting life
I envy the family man for his family
I envy the single man for his freedom
I envy the housewife for staying home each day
I envy the waitress at Avalon for being beautiful
I envy the boys drinking on their front porch for having a front porch
I envy the Esquire journalist for being more prolific
I envy the man in the airport for having a pretty fiancé.
I envy the lecturer for having something interesting to talk about
I envy the entrepreneur for having the balls

But I don’t want to be any of them.

I’m far too proud for that.

To find the best example of a pit of sin, look no further than the world’s largest spiritual broadcasting network. While this station claims to be the crown jewel of religious media, they have in fact, smashed head into every single one of the sins we were instructed to avoid.

The hypocrisy this channel spews has sickened me for years and have always been quite baffled by the sheep that not only watch, but donate, attend and worship such a transparent capitalist alter in the name of the Big Guy.

Let me break it down sin by sin, lie by lie and cheat by cheat:

Pride:    Upon visiting the channel or its affiliated website the first thing you will notice are the boasts of being the number one, most watched, biggest spiritual broadcast network in the world. Smells of bit of pride eh? Stinks of it actually. Shouldn’t a media representing a modest and humble King of Kings mimic his teachings?

Envy:    Viewers of TBN have a number of programs from which to choose to waste their life on earth with, from the full scale churchy stuff all the way to programs designed to look as though you’re watching something on NBC, but with much more transparent plot and no suggestive themes of copulation. Why would a religious network need to follow such a path; perhaps they were envious of other networks viewership, ratings, ad dollars and so on and so forth?

Gluttony: One concept- Mega Church. This sin is defined as “an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.” What happened to the little wooden houses that some of the most devout have worshiped in their entire lives and been completely fulfilled? Does their God show up more often because there was a large blueprint? TBN broadcasts, funds and promotes some of the largest churches in the world.

Lust:    If you ever have the chance to see the carnies TBN selects to host their programs you will know where I am coming from. Two words: Jan Crouch. Google it.

Anger: This sin is less noticeable on the surface, so while we’re in the spirit, have a little faith in what this writer is telling you. Broadcast is an ugly business. What the faithful viewers do not see is what is happening in those production booths or what happens when one of ole Benny Hinn’s prayers go long. That’s lost ad dollars, or pardon me, prayer dollars buddy. Trust me when I say, there’s anger living in that station kids.

Greed: Back to my girl Jan Crouch. A couple years back, both she and her husband were being investigated because they were using the donations all those little old ladies phoned in to build themselves massive residential “sanctuaries”, if you will, and financed a number of “mission trips” to some pretty exotic locations.

Sloth: This is actually the brilliance behind the TBN concept in that they’ve practically invented a new way to use this sin. Sloth, in the sinner context is defined as both the avoidance of physical or spiritual work. Meaning that now followers and the devout have to make no more effort than pick up their phone or log on to throw…donate their money. I would imagine that when the seven most enjoyable aspects of life were outlawed, the religious regulators figured the true followers were still going to actually make an effort.

In closing, one of my closest friends, first mentor and one of the wisest people I have ever met told me something once that has always stuck with me- “Don’t hate JC, just his fan club”.

In the red half-light, her skin glows a deep copper.  A Britain abroad, she pulses and pirouettes to music that you don’t bother hearing.  When it stops, you lay an American dollar on the stage in front of her.  She smiles and accepts.    The local currency isn’t what it used to be.

***

You are part of a procession up carpeted stairs: man, woman, man, woman.  Sliding plastic is a key, and now it’s just the two of you in a perfectly dark corner.  Her leg is on your thigh.  Her hand is on your arm.

“You’re so strong. Such nice muscles.  Most of them that come in here, they’re just little small guys.”  No movie ever gets this part right.

***

Her body is the ocean on a calm day, smoothness leading to great full swells.  A miracle of surgery and modern nutrition.  All that is wrong and right about the West, now removing a last scrap of sheer black.

Now a centimeter away from you.  Now less.  Your face brushes against her soft breasts.  You are Christ.  She is Mary Magdalene.

***

The song changes.  Smiles.  “What do you want to do, now?” she coos.  You believe her.  But you don’t want to, and so you mutter about tomorrow, a goodbye, and then bound down the stairs out into a cold night.

Pride

Wes Anderson

“My name is Wes Anderson.  You just don’t get it.”

—–

Greed

The guy that sells cellphone apparel at kiosks in the mall

“Do you need a neon green casing that I stole from a Christmas shipment that was going to an orphanage?”

—-

Lust

The State of California

“I’m ready to shoot, Jack.  I even kind of look like a semi.”

—-

Envy

Senior Citizens

“I was sexy once.  And I didn’t have no iPod neither!”

—-

Gluttony

People who say, “I didn’t eat breakfast.”

“What? I didn’t.”

—-

Wrath

The City of Detroit

“Don’t fucking look at me.”

—-

Sloth

The writers of the movie Hancock

“it’s not like people are going to leave the theater if they’ve been there for an hour.”

College

Only The Good Die Young

Billy Joel

Sloth

Beer Goggles

Hooters

United States Government

I’m going to see how many more of these I can do, I might add some more.