Sketchy

// Versus

By Charles Hodges .
09.21.09 // Sketchy

View Comments / Sep 21.09 / Sketchy / by Charles Hodges

// Sketchy / Untitled 1

By Elektrovideo .
09.20.09 // Sketchy

Untitled from elektrovideo on Vimeo.

View Comments / Sep 20.09 / Sketchy / by Elektrovideo

// The Original Sketch

By Joey Camire .
09.20.09 // Sketchy

Before there was that guy, there was The Guy. He was the first ever to act sketchy, no wonder so many people act sketchy today. The following are some of his best sketchy stories.

Hey.  Psssssst. Over here. Moses. No. Over here, in the bush. Yeah It’s Me. Yeah way… See what I did there. Why wouldn’t the bush be on fire. Take off your sandals. So. Favor. I’m gonna need you to tend to my flock. Yeah? What? You won’t? Fine. You can turn your staff into a snake, would that change your mind? No? Water into Blood? Knew that one would get you. OK.  Save my peeps, oh, and P.S I’m not going to let you into the holy land. Can I keep these sandals?

Hey, Lot. So these guys here in Sodom and Gamorah are kinda jerks, but your Ok.  So what I’m going to do is take care of the situation.  Cool?  You should probably get out of here. Definitely. I’m going to recommend you don’t look back at what’s going on. What’s with the 20 questions? Just don’t look back. God… Oh fuck. I.. Ahhh.  Ok, I was raining down hellfire.  I mean that is a lot of salt.  Think of it as a gift. Worth a lot of money.  Get yourself a virgin with that money, she was old anyway.

Heeeeeeeeey Abraham.  Whatcha doin’?  I’m bored.  I know, but paradise is so blase.  Let’s play a game. Yeah? Awesome. OK, I just made up the game right now. It’s called “How Much Do You Love Me.” So. How much? That’s it? You can do better. Boooooring. Ok, you’ll sacrifice your son? I’m listening. Prove it! Yes you have to. Yes because I’m bored…. STOP! Oh man, you were actually going to do that?  What kind of father are you. HAHA. Man, that kids is definitely going to have problems.  Can you say daddy issues? Ok, bored again. Later.

Hey Noah, hows the drinkin’ goin’? That sounds painful.  Anyway. Reason I came to talk to you is cause the land has been looking preeeeeettty dirty lately.  Just needs some spring cleansing.  You should probably build a boat.  Know what? Make it an arc.  Eh, I wouldn’t tell anyone else.  Three is a crowd.  I like that. Get two of as many animals as you can and bring ‘em on board. Fiiiiiiine. Bring your family too. No don’t bring the unicorns. They are just so cute it gets annoying. So tired of their prancing and rainbows. Ciao.

Hey Satan. You want to what? Fuck with Job? Why, he is such a pious dude. Cool as shit! Oh, just cause? Well when you put it like that.  Just don’t kill him……  Hey Job. Why did I do that to you? Cause I can, fuck! You aren’t allowed to ask questions.  I can do whatever I want.  You don’t know what it’s like to be this awesome.  Comes with some tough decisions.  Like whether to fuck with people for no reason or not. You’re right, it does suck about the 10 dead children.  Yeah, and the boils probably burn.  Oh and losing your whole fortune that you worked your whole life for. Bummer. I get it.  You still want to be my friend?  Alright, you can have ten more kids.  And here is some money.

View Comments / Sep 20.09 / Sketchy / by Joey Camire

// The Sketchy Man

By Alex Aloise .
09.18.09 // Sketchy

The Sketchy Man from alex aloise on Vimeo.

View Comments / Sep 18.09 / Sketchy / by Alex Aloise

// I Just Want To Be Best Friends

By Sarah Pappalardo .
09.17.09 // Sketchy

Can I take your picture? Nevermind, I shouldn’t ask. I’ll just take it. There. Do you want to see it? You look like my mom in that photo. Her name was Diane. I’m not allowed to tell you where she is.

Oh, you like books? I love books too. I was actually working on writing a book. After I read the prequel to Angels and Demons, I thought I’d write a book about an uncle of mine who went through a very similar episode in his life. I finished the first draft spending the summer in Western Alabama, but that draft burned in the yurt fire. So I wrote it again, kept in under my straw mattress and it disappeared. Weird.
Have you ever been held hostage? Me neither.

Oh I don’t like cats. You have a cat? My family used to have tons of them. But Auntie Butterfactory put them all in my room – big mistake, Auntie! That’s when I started living in the basement for a few years.

Most of the time I just look out the window and hiss.

Your breasts are especially natural looking. I always admired breasts. I had one removed when I was 7 after I was expelled from public school for indecent exposure. It wasn’t a real breast; don’t worry. I’m not THAT weird!

Would you mind if I rubbed your feet? No? That’s cool. That’s cool.

View Comments / Sep 17.09 / Sketchy / by Sarah Pappalardo

// Because You’ve Already Met The Most Interesting Man In The World,

By Jake Dubs .
09.17.09 // Sketchy

allow me to introduce Thomas. He is… The Sketchiest Man In The World.

He’s been called just about everything you can think to call him: Sketchy McSketch, Sketchy McGee, Creepy Willow, Creeping Tom, Sketch McCreeperson, Creep McSketcherson, and Phillip.

He was born in a suburb of Lincoln, Nebraska in June, 1973. His mother was a truck stop lunch counter waitress off I-80 who wore too much make-up and occasionally ate off patron’s plates when they were done. His father was one of the truckers. He had a slight lisp and wore green cowboy boots. Every. Single. Day. Of. His. Life. After. Age. 20.

Thomas’ favorite food: Vanilla ice cream. But only in a cone. And only if he gets to eat it while staring down a group of Italian female tourists at noon in Union Square when the light shines on them just right.

One time, in high school, he made 2 different teachers in one semester ask that he be transferred out of their classes because he “creeps me the fuck out.”

Another time, in college, he was creeping around at a Christina Aguilera concert (WTF, right?), and literally 1/7^th of the girls bolted.

He is so sketchy, other sketchy people get freaked out by him for being so much sketchier than they’ll ever be.

In fact, he turns sketchy people normal.

He has had one girlfriend his entire life, whom he met on an 8th grade field trip in Salt Lake City. She was a bow-legged Filipino midget with bad skin and a worse attitude.

He is without a job, yet when asked how he pays bills, timidly replies, “I do things sometime that people like.”

Uh. What?

His hobbies include buying ill-fitting jackets, not trimming his facial hair, not washing his hair, not cutting nor cleaning his nails, taking occasional bubble baths with the bathroom lights turned off, awkward conversation with public transportation drivers, vaguely talking to strangers about that one time at the Grand Canyon, posing accidently with a vacant look in his eyes in other people’s photos, and pretending to read Brett Easton Ellis’ latest novel on the subway while trying to make eye contact with the cute blonde that every other guy is scoping out, but not necessarily creeping on.

Back off, motherfuckers. Tom has spotted his target.

And he is locked.

View Comments / Sep 17.09 / Sketchy / by Jake Dubs

// That Lenny sure is sketchy. Right?

By Ben Cheney .
09.16.09 // Sketchy

Lenny is sketchy because of the fine tip, pen to paper drawings of him that are tacked to bulletin boards in the lobbies of police stations under signs that read “Most Wanted” or “Warning! May be a creep,” or that flash across the television screen during the nightly news as the anchor mentions how the suspect, who was reportedly Caucasian, Asian, or Hispanic, was wearing white Reebok Pumps, gray sweatpants with elastic ankles, a Denver Broncos Super Bowl XXXII t-shirt, and a black hat, had sandy blond hair, was between 5’5″ and 6’2″, and weighed approximately 250 lbs., escaped on foot into the woods behind 22 Cutler St. and may be considered armed and dangerous because he was seen earlier in the day exiting a knife store with a large box and several throwing stars and has a police history, which includes a minor tussle at the Pigeon Hole in Burbank, a domestic abuse call that never amounted to anything because he called the cops on himself one night in ’97 when his live-in girlfriend was away on a business trip to Pasadena and he was drunk, alone, and bored, and a moving violation for failing to stop at a stop sign last year.

Other than that, he’s not really sketchy at all.

View Comments / Sep 16.09 / Sketchy / by Ben Cheney

// sketchy is all about perspective

By Jordan Childs .
09.15.09 // Sketchy

View Comments / Sep 15.09 / Sketchy / by Jordan Childs

// The Look

By Tristan Smith .
09.13.09 // Sketchy

I drink to slip into some half-light where I can fight demons.

The full sun and moon of a real day distract us.  The time we spend away from family, friends, in the service of some great monolith, it’s a pollution that pulls us downwards or sideways.

Our center heats.  We boil over, froth and spit, cooking on a cast iron pallet.  And so sometimes I engage in a voodoo ceremony.   I am my own shaman, my own medicine man.

The room clouds, the lights gain colors and shadows race out of eyes and feet.  That is when I get to tear at a few savage hates.  The ones that ripped at me during the week.  Their names are Escape.  Abandonment.  Amnesia.  Fugue.  Desire.  Collapse.

In lateness, I can walk past spilled liquids and loud, pounding guitars and sit still, sipping slowly.  The lower the eyelids, the darker the room.  And eventually we all wake up.  They’re pushed back into our hearts again.

For another week or day.  The sweat spilled.  Our mouths are dry.  The sun’s coming up.  It’s another week.

View Comments / Sep 13.09 / Sketchy / by Tristan Smith