Supporting Roles
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I Am Convinced This Would Work
By
Tristan Smith .
11.30.08 //
Supporting Roles
// I Am Convinced This Would Work
By
Tristan Smith .
11.30.08 //
Supporting Roles
//
In Praise of the Second Tier
By
Charles Hodges .
11.29.08 //
Supporting Roles
// In Praise of the Second Tier
By
Charles Hodges .
11.29.08 //
Supporting Roles
by Charles Hodges
The drums and bass allow the solo.
Is it not mustard that makes the sandwich?
Shoes tell the story. A shirt? Only intention.
The nuns and friars build the sermon brick by brick.
And stilts are a clown’s only family.
There’s a fire on the bus and the quarterback is saving the offensive lineman while the wide receivers
are trapped
within closer reach.
A mother knows that college education begins with eggs in kindergarten
And forgiveness owes its genesis to sin.
The luxury sedan with the expensive interior is sitting on the side of the road fixing a flat,
while the rusty truck
rides by
with tires made for the farm.
When they get
back they will share a
drink and it will taste
good because they
haven’t had
one all week.
A mountain is only as scenic as the
lake that holds its reflection.
And the trainer crosses the finish line long before the jockey mounts the horse.
Many of you may already be expressing confusion… The Fluffer? What the hell is that? That just goes to show the lack of praise and attention Professional Fluffers get.
For those whom are still in the dark, a Fluffer is the person on an adult video set who keeps the men “Ready For Action” between takes… “Standing at Attention”… “Hard At Work”… you get it.
This role has been vital for such seminal classics (see what I did there?) as “Debbie Does Dallas” and “Deep Throat” all the way to the modern hits such as “Pirates” or “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin“.
However, Fluffers have traditionally never been anything more than a name in the credits. And while some more dedicated fans may sit through the credits, I have a sneaking suspicion that most teenage boys don’t watch the credits of porn films. Lord Knows I didn’t.
This, however, does not do justice to the professionalism and training that these unsung heroes possess. You can’t just start as a professional, there are many tests that are involved, forms to learn; it takes time to move from amateur to professional. Today, in many ways, the fluffer has become nothing more than a joke to some, as this t-shirt demonstrates. I’m here to set the record straight for these timeless strokers. Here are the rules the Professional Fluffer lives by.
1) Stimulate, Don’t Ejaculate
This is the first and most important rule. Many of you remember that girl in highschool, she went by many different names, but most people just called her a ‘Tease.’ Fluffers are constantly aiming for blue balls. This has been a factor in ruining the marriages of many professional fluffers. They want to please their partners, but they can’t bring themselves to finish the job. Many spouses of fluffers have gone blind from blue balls, or even worse “Died”… who knew that old trick was actually true!
2) Friction is the enemy!
Some shoots can take up to 8 hours, so as you might imagine, there is a lot of fluffing going on. It is vital for Fluffers to maintain “Maximum Viscocity.” There are more occupational hazards than you think. Do you remember on the playground? When someone would give you an indian sunburn? Imagine that on another part of your anatomy… Yeah. Friction is the enemy.
3) No Eye Contact
I mean seriously, that’s just awkward.
4) Oral or Manual Only
Many times stars will ask for more, but any Fluffer worth their weight knows to keep it professional. There will be no reach arounds, rusty trombones, gorrilla mists, houdinis, donkey punches, belgian waffles, turkey jerky, snoodling, docking, or any thing else. Oral or manual, those are the rules.
Without these expert floggers, these certified strokers, these master… baters (I know, but come on), we would not have a porn industry, and we would have nothing to do in our free time. By bringing new meaning to the “Hand Job”, they allow us those three minutes of ectasy before we go to sleep alone at night.
Here’s to you Professional Fluffers, the key support of an entire industry. May you never know the pains of carpal tunnel, arthritis or hand cramps. I’d give you a high five, if I didn’t know where those hands had been.
With today being Thanksgiving, I figured I would share the story of our nation’s first supporting role. So sit back and enjoy the tale of Doba, whose name means No War, and Omusa, whose name means Misses With Arrows.
Doba: Omusa, brother. Strange white men have entered our land. Thus far they appear to pose little threat, however, I remain weary of their presence. I feel I must speak to them, Omusa, and tell them the story of our great land. We are a proud people. We have a strong, respected history. I shall make it my duty to teach these strangers of our ways, and to ensure that our great land retains its honor. Will you stand beside me?
Omusa: Yup. No prob Dob.
Doba: (Sigh) No prob? Omusa, I am humbly requesting your…
Omusa: …I know. I know. But seriously, why are you talking like that? You sound like Chief Dad.
Doba: I’m just trying to psyche myself up for this. If we’re gonna keep these people off our land we gotta at least sound legit.
Omusa: I get it, but it’s a little funny to me.
Doba: Fine, I’ll phrase it your way. I’m gonna go talk to these people at 3:00. I need you to back me up. We’re gonna give them Maze and wampum and all that good shit. But whatever you do, DO NOT say anything. Just stand there and look hard. Be my badass Flies-With-Eagles-Wingman.
Omusa: That’s better. I can do that.
And so, later that day, Doba and Omusa went to the White Men to offer peace and express their desire for distance.
William: Hello Red strangers. My name is William Goodman. My friends and I have come to this land seeking religious freedom and hoping to establish a new England.
Doba: Good to meet you William. Listen, my tribe and I have been here for centuries. We’re honest people. We do our work to get by and keep to ourselves. We do not want any trouble from you, nor do we want any real interaction with you. We come here today with this peace offering of our most prized crop, Maze. Please accept it with the understanding that this shall be the last time our peoples will interact. We will keep to our land and we ask that you do the same.
William: Understood. We mean no harm. We shall adhere to your request. May I ask, are you Christians?
Doba: No sir, we believe in our own gods and…
Omusa: Hey what are those long metal tubes with the wooden handles? And why is he putting those clay balls into it?
Doba: OMUSA…!
Omusa: Yeah yeah, hold on.
William: That is called a gun, friend.
Omusa: Gun, huh? And this “Christian” business?
William: Oh yes friend, it’s the greatest religion in the world.
Doba: Omusa, please…
Omusa: (To Doba) I know man, chill, this is interesting.
William: Indeed. Guns and religious freedom, that is all we seek.
Doba: Well okay. Good luck with everything. Hope you all have a great time. We’re gonna go back home now. Glad we’re all understood about the whole keeping-our-distance thing and I trust that….
Omusa: Hey, you and your friends wanna come over for dinner?
//
Did your dog jump off a cliff?
By
Ben Cheney .
11.26.08 //
Supporting Roles
// Did your dog jump off a cliff?
By
Ben Cheney .
11.26.08 //
Supporting Roles
Supporting roles are often overshadowed and even looked down upon. But let’s jump in my time machine and I will introduce you to a supporting role that doesn’t suck: the adjective.
We’re going back to the 7th grade. A time when bodies were developing, emotions were bubbling, and sentences were being diagrammed. I had a freshly trimmed bowl cut, an awkward overbite, and a killer pair of JNCOs. Life was too weird in almost every way.
There I am, sitting in English class, arguably one of the worst classes I have ever been forced to sit through. My teacher, Mrs. Pendleton, is a large woman with a small head and beakish nose. She is writing something on a blackboard that is almost white with chalk dust; apparently it hasn’t been cleaned in months. But that doesn’t matter, I can’t concentrate on what she’s writing anyways. Instead I am mesmerized by the back and forth rhythm of her dangling upper-arm skin. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. And then I hear it. Flap. Flap. Flap. I’m entranced by dangling, old lady arm skin. Gross.
I jolt to my senses right before drool spills over my open lips. I shake it off and look at the blackboard, consciously avoiding the flappy skin. Mrs. Pendleton is explaining adjectives and their role in the formation of sentences. I never liked Mrs. Pendleton, and I don’t think I ever learned much from her. But for some reason, her lesson on adjectives stuck in my mind.
That day I learned that adjectives play the greatest supporting role in the English language, yet we do not appreciate them. We throw adjectives around like rag dolls without a home, even though they are what bring sentences to life. Adjectives add color and emotion, and without them many sentences are just plain boring.
Example:
“I have a dog.”
“I have a dead dog.”
Which one is more interesting? The second one of course. The adjective adds intrigue and breeds many questions. Why do you own a dead dog? Isn’t that illegal? How did your dog die? Do you store your dog in a jar or the freezer?
Without adjectives sentences are nothing but a lifeless group of words. Adjectives make sentences and stories and books and plays worth reading. Adjectives make the English language worthwhile.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
//
Bonnie & Clyde
By
Husayn Raza .
11.25.08 //
Supporting Roles
// Bonnie & Clyde
By
Husayn Raza .
11.25.08 //
Supporting Roles
What better supporting role than Bonnie?
Here’s an amazing song in her ‘honor’.
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Supporting Roles
By
Kyle Wai Lin .
11.25.08 //
Supporting Roles
// Supporting Roles
By
Kyle Wai Lin .
11.25.08 //
Supporting Roles
//
Here’s to the lazy ones.
By
Jordan Childs .
11.24.08 //
Supporting Roles
// Here’s to the lazy ones.
By
Jordan Childs .
11.24.08 //
Supporting Roles
Individuals who play the supporting roles are those who live on the fringes of the spotlight. It may shine on them from time to time, but only because they are standing next to the ones for which the beam was intended. I believe those in the supporting roles didn’t have the true grit to make to the lead.
Supporting roles are given to people who are almost hero-worthy self worth.
Yes there are some we admire for their counsel, their sacrifice or simply their presence. But these are desired purely for the comfort they offer us.
So in the true form of those in the supporting roles, I will use the glamour from another piece of work to define mine.
Here’s to the lazy ones.
Here’s to the lazy ones.
The standards.
The conformists.
The peacekeepers.
The assists to the big scores.
The ones who don’t see the opportunities.
They’re not fond of risk.
And they live their life by the status quo.
You can ignore them, forget about them, chastise them,
abuse them, abandon or acquire them.
About the only thing you can’t do is envy them.
Because they are the forgotten ones.
They copy. They mimic. They quote.
They follow. They recreate. They absorb.
They push their chosen idol forward.
Maybe they just have to be supporters.
How else can they stare at an empty canvas only to recreate another’s work of art?
Or sit in silence and wish for the life of a leader?
Or gaze at possibility and see only a hurdle too high?
We have roles for these kinds of people.
While some see them as the lazy ones, we see a wingman.
Because the people who are lazy enough to think
they can’t change the world, are the ones who watch others do it.
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