You’ve heard the joke a million times.  It’s cheap. It’s easy. It’s exactly like the woman it was coined after.  The reason you’ve heard it so many times, in such a variety of contexts, is because She actually said it.  All of them.  Everyone you’ve ever heard.  Yes, She did ask if “the mushrooms got bigger this year?” And she meant it in the sexually charged way you thought was merely a double entendre.  And then she ate them.

She meant it for real.

You are probably wondering, “how could she have possibly said all those things?”  Because She’s been around a while.  She’s seen some things.  She’s met some people. She’s worked in Tijuana.  She’s partied in Prague. She’s been asked never to return to either place.

She’s one of those types of people everyone talks about… Until they meet her.  No one ever talks about her after that.  They’d be too embarrassed to tell the story.  Afraid someone would find out what they did that night with the marmot, the super glue and the collectors edition of Clue.

That’s what she does, she brings out the best… And the worst in people.  At the same time.  While making a collect call.  To someone She’s never met before.  Just to get them to accept the charges.  Then act like a telemarketer. Because it’s funny.  She’s like that.

She is Helen MacEroy.  An unassuming name, for an otherwise unassuming woman.  You’d never expect that the wholesome old woman at the grocery store would be “The She” that everyone talks about.  But then what did you think all that produce was for?  Salad?  Well there will be tossing, but with syrup or jelly!

So just be glad, next time you crack that joke.  The easy one that gets a chuckle from your friends.  That Helen MacEroy really did say it.  Be glad you weren’t there to hear it first hand.  And be thankful she didn’t say it about you.

Holly: “I can’t find it.”

Holly: “That’s hilarious… Oh man.”

Jason: “How goes it?”

Rob: “It was awful.”

Holly: “Gimme your jump drive… Your stick.”

Meagan: “Do this good.”

Jessica: “Are you busy?”

Matt: “Not bad.”

Holly: “It’s like sooo rough.”

Jeff: “That’s gonna be good.”

Holly: “Are you gonna fit back there?”

Jessica: “Here, let me show you how.”

Holly: “And then go down… Scroll down.”

Holly: “That wasn’t even a good one.”

Holly: “That’s about right.”

Holly: “Take them off.”

Rebekah: “I don’t like it at all.”

Matt: “I’m gonna put in a request for that.”

Matt: “I’d still play that game if I could.”

Holly: “Stop! Just take them off.”

Meagan: “Does that go there?”

What began as a simple joke delivered with impeccable timing by the most awkward character on a brilliant television show that was British but was adapted for American TV has become more important than the show itself.  The phrase has become a movement.  That’s what she said has come to define a generation that lives by the values of the phrase itself.

Contrary to popular practice, it isn’t a generation defined by birth year.  Rather, it is a generation defined by an attitude.  An attitude of rebellion.  Rebellion against societal norms, political correctness, social taboos, and maturity.  Aptly dubbed Mifflins, this generation is a champion for raw sexual energy and awkward situations.  They search every word that slams against their eardrums for the chance to pervert.  Phrases such as, “It was sloppy,” or “I’ll have the fish taco, please,” or “I rode a big spaceship yesterday and it squirted fuel on my blouse” are immediately recognized as softballs lobbed over the middle of the plate, waiting to be smashed by the cruel bat of That’s what she said.  These real life, perfectly normal phrases are instantly turned into ideas in a Mifflins’ mind that should only live in the pages of a script for a movie that comes in an unmarked box from the “special section” of the video store.  The Mifflins are a unique generation that span age, race, gender, sexual preference, and socioeconomic status.  They are pushing the envelope of societal acceptance everyday with their minds and with their mouths.

Although regarded by some as a talent and a comedic gem, being a Mifflin can also be a curse.  Mifflins are often haunted by the inability to look past their mental gutters to the true meaning of the words and phrases spoken to them by their mothers, fathers, teachers, bosses, children, in-laws, and anyone else on the planet.  They have an extremely hard time understanding the true meaning of conversations because their minds are constantly searching for the next That’s what she said nugget.

Where does this leave us then?  We have a generation filled with the comedic zest of one of the greats of our time, but who, at the same time, cannot even comprehend daily conversations.

The answer is clear.  Let it ride.  The Mifflin generation is young.  They have much to learn.  Soon they will master their art of perverted listening.  They will learn how to recognize comedic gems without actively trying, granting a healthy balance between this perverted listening and regular listening.  Ultimately allowing them to comprehend like the rest of society.

Although this generation was born from a simple joke, it was also born with impeccable timing.  No other time in history would have been right for the Mifflins.  They will thrive.  And while they still have a lot to learn, they also have a lot to teach our society.

Since my compatriots will probably handle the penis and vagina territory with surgical expertise (wow, this has taken a bad turn already), I’m going to take this opportunity to look at an element of the English language that I find interesting.

Stop groaning.  I used both “penis” and “vagina” in the first line.  That should buy me at least a few more seconds of your eyes and brain.

The element in question is stress.  Precisely, the way the meaning of a sentence changes depending on which word carries the stress.  Let’s look:

That’s what she said.  —–>  “No no, you misheard.  Your Mom got it right.  It was ‘boner’, not ‘stoner’.”

That’s what she said.  —–>  “It’s true, Mary brought up Hitler in drivers ed. again.”

That’s what she said.  —–>  The traditional form.  See other posts.

That’s what she said.  —–>  “But what she did was totally different.  I’d never seen so many pornographic comic books featuring Bill Clinton.  Well, that’s not true, but you know what I mean.”

See?  Now that’s how you teach Spanish.  Muy bien.

When looked at through the prism of “that’s what she said,” the world gives off quite a different meaning.  Yes, if you are like me, then that fourteen-year-old inside of you has never died, and you constantly find yourself silently finishing other people’s sentences as they unconsciously throw you statements that act as verbal softballs to your never-ending, back-of-the-bus-on-a-field-trip imagination.

But what if you can’t turn it off?

This is my curse.

But it doesn’t stop with people.  No, that’d be great.  It’d be great if it stopped when the waitress said, “It’s pretty big, but I have eaten two of them before.”

That’d be fine, but it’s not.

I see it everywhere.  And now, I see it in the world of business.

It’s as if the entire world of commerce is one big set up for the always humorous follow-up.  It has been going on for years.  How have we not seen it before?

I will allow you to fill in the blank after each statement.

Nike: Just do it.

Cheez-It: Get your own box.

McDonald’s: I’m lovin’ it.

Alka-Seltzer: I can’t believe I ate the whole thing.

Capital One: What’s in your wallet?  (she’s at the bar)

Chrysler: Inspiration comes standard.

Fisher-Price:  Play. Laugh. Grow.

Hey? How about a nice Hawaiian Punch?  (she’s a dominatrix)

Hewlett Packard: Invent.   (she’s bored)

Hostess Cakes:  Where’s the cream filling?   (I’m not making these up)

Pepsi:  Come alive!  You’re in the Pepsi generation.

Timex:  Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

Verizon:  Can you hear me now?  Good! (she’s adventurous)

Volkswagen:  Think small.  (she’s having lunch with her friends)

Yellow pages:  Let your fingers do the walking.

And lastly

Obama: Yes we can.

Will it stop?  I can only hope that this article will be my final catharsis.

So there, I release you, this has been way too long and way too hard.

That’s what she said.