Tobacco

// Tobacco Enlightenment

By Jordan Childs .
12.07.08 // Tobacco

Slander.

Negative points of view, propaganda…that’s all we ever hear. From the moment we can comprehend what smoking is, we’re told not to endeavor. We watch videos about the negative affects, attend funerals of those who smoked, see charred lungs on display at fancy museums, hell even the cigarette manufacturers tell us not to do it.

But who stands up for the cigarettes and the tobacco themselves? Shouldn’t these “instruments of death” have an opportunity to share their stories? Perhaps if we really looked into this natural plant wrapped in thin paper that have been resting in the pockets of men for generations, we will see a brighter side?

Today I take my stand.

Below I’ve listed just a selection of the benefits to smoking that I’ve found, stashed away under a trunk of old sweaters in the basement of the internets. I think the world will have start thinking twice before bashing our old pal Ciggy and his brother Bacco.

Put these in your pipe and smoke it:

Smoking lowers Parkinson’s disease risk
A new study out adds to the previously reported evidence that cigarette smoking protects against Parkinson’s disease. Specifically, the new research shows a temporal relationship between smoking and reduced risk of Parkinson’s disease. That is, the protective effect wanes after smokers quit.
(March 6th issue of Neurology)

Severe Gum Recession, Less Of A Risk For Smokers
Smokers are actually at lower risk from gum disease. There is more scientific evidence from other sources about oral health and smoking than we could possibly imagine.
(“Gingival recession in smokers and non-smokers with minimal periodontal disease”,Journal of Clinical Periodontology)

Carbon Monoxide May Alleviate Heart Attacks And Stroke
Carbon monoxide is a by-product of tobacco smoke.  This report indicates very low levels of carbon monoxide may help victims of heart attacks and strokes.  Carbon monoxide inhibits blood clotting, thereby dissolving harmful clots in the arteries.  These fine researchers focused on carbon monoxide’s close resemblance to nitric oxide which keeps blood vessels from dilating and prevents the buildup of white blood cells.
(Dr. David Pinsky, an associate professor of medicine at Columbia University.)

Smoking Prevents Rare Skin Cancer
A researcher at the National Cancer Institute is suggesting that smoking may act as a preventative for developing a skin cancer that primarily afflicts elderly men in Mediterranean regions of Southern Italy, Greece and Israel.  Keep in mind, Dr. James Goedert is quick to assure what is important is not that smoking tobacco may help to prevent a rare form of cancer but that there is finally an admission by one of those fanatical researchers at the National Cancer Institute that there are ANY benefits to smoking.
(Dr. James Goedert, chief of the viral epidemiology branch of the National Cancer Institute, Bethesda, Md)

Smoking Reduces The Risk Of Breast Cancer
Another study reports that carriers of a particular gene mutation (which predisposes the carrier to breast cancer) who smoked cigarettes for more than 4 pack years (i.e., number of packs per day multiplied by the number of years of smoking) were found to have a statistically significant 54 percent decrease in breast cancer incidence when compared with carriers who never smoked.
(Journal of the National Cancer Institute, May 20, 1998)

Alzheimer’s Disease Is Associated With Non-Smoking -
A statistically significant inverse relation between smoking and Alzheimer’s disease was observed at all levels of analysis, with a trend towards decreasing risk with increasing consumption.
(Smokers’ Rights Action Group, P.O. Box 259575, Madison, WI 53725-9575, Phone: 608-249-4568) Give ‘em a call and ask.

If this doesn’t satisfy your craving for…knowledge, I’ve found the website of another enlightened individual. Perhaps we shall form a club.

http://www.mendhak.com/102-smoking-is-good-for-you.aspx

View Comments / Dec 07.08 / Tobacco / by Jordan Childs

// What could have been.

By Tristan Smith .
12.06.08 // Tobacco

You don’t know much about American history.  And that’s ok.  The dead don’t care.  A quick lesson though:

This country was founded on a demand for headrushes.  Upon exposure to tobacco’s quick and social intoxication, Europe began centuries of addiction.  And with its perfect sandy soil and seemingly infinite expanses of arable land, recently founded Virginia became the Old World’s supplier for the deliciously toasted gold-brown leaf.

But what if things had been different?  What if tobacco didn’t exist, and our nation’s firsts had been forced to find profits elsewhere?  Here are three examples of such an alternate history.

Coffee

Clearly, we were already a high-strung nation.  Deficient in representation, the colonists revolted and begun sniping British officers.  The substitution of coffee for tobacco would have also meant the substitution of coffee for tea, and while we might have added some cool Juan Valdez-style facial hair to the portraits on our currency, the extra caffeine would have probably caused Thomas Jefferson to write the declaration of independence twenty minutes before it was due.

Marijuana

Our forefathers would never have gathered the ambition necessary to eradicate an entire civilization.  Instead, we would have hung out for a while, looked forward to Thanksgiving even more than we already did, and considered braiding those crazy white wigs into dreadlocks.  Even if we managed to establish a nation, Lewis and Clark would never have journeyed into the unknown.  Rather, the bros would have walked around the woods (which were basically everywhere) for a while, eaten some stew and settled down for for a discussion about how crazy it is that boats exist that can sail across an entire ocean.

Beets

A society built on the back of the beet is hardly a society at all.  You know how when you were little you used to have a friend whose house smelled weird, to the point where you would be uncomfortable when you went over there?  That smell was beets.  And America would be that friend’s house.

View Comments / Dec 06.08 / Tobacco / by Tristan Smith

// Cigarettes as People

By Charles Hodges .
12.05.08 // Tobacco

If cigarettes were people, this is what they would be like.

Camel Lights
Doesn’t take risks.  Loves all Jerry Bruckheimer movies (including Pearl Harbor).  Really into wake boarding.  Has a picture with all of the members of the band 311 in his room.  The picture is framed and is on his dresser.  Talks about how “crazy” his hair used to be.  Still has his pog collection because he is waiting for the craze to “come back”.  Room is still covered in posters from the Chicago Bulls second three peat.  This is because, although having a great job selling insurance, he still lives with his parents.

Marlboro Menthol 100s
She had a chance at good life in the latter part of Reagan’s administration.  Let her partying ways get out of control chasing local radio deejays around and wound up knocked up with a big ole whodunit in her hands.  Apartment has two cats.  Framed prints of sail boats – everywhere.  Favorite comedy: Weekend at Bernie’s 2.  Has never gone a day without curling bangs and still works out on her Nordic Track before going into her job as an “administrative assistant” at a veterinarian clinic.  At night she peruses the local karaoke bars singing Duran Duran covers while prying on young innocent men for attention.  Categorized as a grand-cougar in today’s society.

American Spirit
Vegan chef at a restaurant that is owned by his girlfriend.  Wears non-prescription glasses.  Has a beard that is larger than his arms.  Suffers from curse of knowledge in the realm of politics due to spending extended amounts of time listening to NPR.  Responds, “there is no such thing as a curse of knowledge in politics,” when he is told previous sentence.  “Famous” for his soy grilled cheese.  Shares clothes and shoes with girlfriend.  Likes to brag about how he once smoked a joint with M. Ward before he was famous.  Slight paradox of smoking cigarettes and being a vegan doesn’t register.  When presented with this argument responds,  “I could also get his by a bus.”   We can only hope so.

Parliament Lights
Doesn’t own t-shirts.  Has over five DUI arrests, but has gotten off on all because of lawyer uncle.  Golf clubs in back of car at all times despite only playing once a year. Held all offices possible during tenure with fraternity.  Wears Manchester United jersey when lounging around house despite never having watched a game. Pro-life despite paying for five abortions.  Listens to Talking Heads despite hating their music.  Thinks Obama and Tiger Woods are cousins.  Future, certain.  Mid-life crisis, more certain.

Virginia Slims
Mother of ugly daughters.  High cheek bones give off illusion of being thin, but figure was lost after the signing of the fourth pre-nup.  Fur coats and large couches litter the empty house on the hill.  Lights aren’t turned on at night, but the faint lyrics of Sade can be heard all the way from the bottom of the driveway.  Empty bottles of Bella Sara pinot grigio litter the garden.  Boxwoods are dead and winter hasn’t even begun.

Camel Wide Filters
Prides himself on his mustache and is everyone’s favorite bachelor.  Has mastered all various bar games and prefers winking to handshakes.  The room stops when he laughs and no one will share food with him.  Likes to spread his love of music by getting people to listen to deep cuts of Boston.  Just got facebook.  Updates status hourly.  Probably gay.

Doral Ultra Lights
Flannel shirt and hat protect body and face from sun that beats down during days of hard labor.  The bed of the truck is filled with empty Mountain Dew cans and the dashboard is covered in fingernails.  There is an Elvis bobble head.  She loves this truck.

View Comments / Dec 05.08 / Tobacco / by Charles Hodges

// Some Ways to look cool without smoking

By Joey Camire .
12.04.08 // Tobacco

As some of the posts have already alluded to, smoking has an air of ‘badassness’ to it.  I mean James Dean, Clint Eastwood, Bruce Willis, AMY WINEHOUSE…smoking has always put you in the company of some pretty cool people.  It makes sense, smokers are the ultimate rebels.  It is essentially throwing up the middle finger to death.  This being said, I don’t smoke, so I’ve started making a list of other ways I can look cool without smoking cigarettes.

FACE PAINT

The most perfect example of how face paint can make you cool is David Bowie.  He was essentially the coolest man on the planet  for 15 years and he pretty much looked like “Lion-O” from The Thundercats.  Face paint works, Bowie is now married to arguably the hottest woman on the planet, Iman, and is about as masculine as a maxi pad. You should probably start a little more conservative than this, but I can pretty much guarantee you will get laid.

CONTINUOUS NON-STOP DANCE

Everyone knows that people who can dance are cool.  Michael Jackson, Michael Flatley… Kevin Federline!  If you are dancing every second of the day, it is pretty much guarantee that everyone you know will want to be like you.  It’s probably going to be a little bit tiring, and you may end up becoming “The sweaty” kid, but no one will even notice because your cabbage patch is so off the chain.

NOTE:  You can’t do both the face paint and the dancing at the same time.

These tactics will require quite a commitment.  A lot of people aren’t ready for these.  If that is the case, I’ve also realized some ways to be cool based on your environment.  These will require you to be extremely astute and perceptive, and ready to be cool at any moment.

“SUNS OUT GUNS OUT”

If the sun is shining, then there is no reason why you should be wearing sleeves.  It’s quite simple.  If you walk outside wearing a T-Shirt, and the sun is shining, pull your sleeves up over you shoulders.  If you walk outside wearing a long sleeve shirt, and the sun is shining, rip your sleeves off.  Everybody knows farmers tans are not cool. This directly leads into the next one…

COOL PEOPLE ARE NEVER COLD

Part of being cool is not letting things effect you.  That means the weather as well.  If you are walking with friends and they say they are cold, take you jacket off and say “oh, I hadn’t noticed”.  Think back, the coolest person you’ve ever met is that guy who wears Adidas Sambas and shorts all year round.  No one ever talked to him, but that was because they just weren’t cool enough.  If you play your cards right, you could one day be as cool as this guy on the left.

THE SUN NEVER SETS ON A BADASS

The straight up coolest people never take off their sunglasses.  It is cool as hell to say “fuck you” not just to the sun, but light in general.  If you wear your sunglasses to the bar or club, you are letting people know, “I’m so cool, I don’t even need to see”.

The more and more I think about it, I’m not sure I could pull any of these off.  I’ve got sensitive skin, no rhythm, scrawny arms, no fat to keep me warm, and am too uncoordinated to not be able to see.  There doesn’t see to be much hope for me to start being cool. I suppose I could always just start smoking.

View Comments / Dec 04.08 / Tobacco / by Joey Camire

// Even Wilma’s Ways Can’t Do The Trick

By Alex Aloise .
12.03.08 // Tobacco

When I was a kid I had the opportunity to start smoking countless times. I was offered a puff from friends. I even thought about just buying a pack and giving it a shot. But I never have, so I made this clip to explain why.

View Comments / Dec 03.08 / Tobacco / by Alex Aloise

// Not even the meteor shower of ’96 could stop her.

By Ben Cheney .
12.02.08 // Tobacco

It’s 20 degrees outside.  The wind is blowing like a banshee, making the shutters slam against the side of the house like a homeless man begging for shelter.  The snow has been falling for the past 7 hours making deep drifts against the front porch.  It’s winter in New Jersey, and Margaret steps outside to light up.  As she raises her cigarette stained fingers to her lips, she shivers against the cold.  Inhaling deeply, she closes her eyes, reveling in the suffocating ecstasy of the first puff.

For 24 years Margaret has braved rain, sleet, and snow for the sweet taste of her tightly rolled tobacco friend.  Nothing has stood in her way.  Not the blizzard of ’89.  Not the hurricane of ’94.  Not the windstorm of ’03.  Nothing.  When policemen, government officials, and teachers flee indoors for refuge from the storm, Margaret bravely opens the rickety door to her modest South Jersey home to have a smoke.

Shielded by nothing more than a bathrobe and a ratty, old pair of slippers, Margaret proves that she is one of the dedicated ones.  It is not an innocent dedication, however.  No, it is a dedication fueled by an uncontrollable desire for the sweet nectar of nicotine.  But even though it’s a guilty addiction, it is precisely what makes the dedication so strong.  It makes Margaret, and the millions of other people entangled in a love affair with tobacco sticks, the most dedicated humans on earth.

View Comments / Dec 02.08 / Tobacco / by Ben Cheney

// Sammy and the Huffs.

By Kyle Wai Lin .
12.01.08 // Tobacco

Taco bell was the spot (and for “the spot” to be effective you have to read it out loud with emphasis as if it were double italicized). All the skaters and homies would go there after school and hang out till about 5 or until Officer Fitz would show up and kick out all of the middle school vagrants.

I was one of the vagrants… or at least, an aspiring one. I learned to skate and wore the huge Blind jeans with a Plan B hoodie. I remember telling a friend that I wanted to be just like Sammy Z and the Huff brothers when I grew up.

You see, I was in 7th grade and they were in 8th. They were cool. They were authentic. They smoked.

I had the attitude down. I was quite the trouble maker at school, making headlines at least once a week, but smoking was the one thing that kept me from the true other side.

So I started.

View Comments / Dec 01.08 / Tobacco / by Kyle Wai Lin