Top 5
by Charles Hodges
5. I wonder if Shawn Kemp ever wished that he had gone to college.
4. Was the wheel invented out of an idea or was it discovered by mistake?
3. Would Erin Andrews email address be erin.andrews@espn.com?
2. I should have paid attention in Spanish class.
1. Miracle Whip Light > Miracle Whip > Mayonnaise
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Top 5 Reasons To Look Forward To An Economic Depression
By
Joey Camire .
11.22.08 //
Top 5
// Top 5 Reasons To Look Forward To An Economic Depression
By
Joey Camire .
11.22.08 //
Top 5
The current economic downturn has been an absolutely unavoidable topic of conversation since September. The conversations range from the bleak and somewhat morbid, much like Husayns post on the future, to complete and utter denial. You can’t escape people making their own uninformed hypotheticals or predictions based on their paltry knowledge on the topic of economics.
“Oh really? Is that how the markets trending? I’m glad you’ve been keeping up with it, but if you wouldn’t mind pouring my coffee, I can be on my way.”
The truth is, as much as I’m hoping we somehow perform a little economic “coitus interuptus”, I think there are still things we can look forward too if we don’t manage to pull out. Maybe it’s just my hopeless optimism, but here are the top 5 things you can look forward to in an economic depression.
1) No Job
Let’s keep it real with each other, no one really likes to work. You may be one of those people who says “OMG I love what I do”, but even you still hate getting your ass out of bed on a Monday morning. Oh sure there may be stresses that come with not having the job, but at least you won’t have to deal with that Prick you call boss. And honestly, it’s hard to be stressed when you are sitting on ass watching Full House re-runs… John Stamos is so dreamy.
2) Weight Loss
We both know you’ve put on a few pounds in the past couple of years. I know, you want to get to the gym, but your life is sooo busy how can you find the time. In fact you are so damn busy, you only have enough time to stuff your face with take out from the chinese place across the street. Why is it that none of the chinese employees are as fat as you? Well either way, you won’t be able to afford that anymore. Even though ramen noodles have just as much MSG, they have no nutritional value, so you’ll lose those pounds in no time. You should have been fasting anyways, you are a slob.
3) No need to hide your alcohol problem
During a depression everyone boozes. From Mormons to middle schoolers. Everyone. Even the people with money are in the bottle. If you don’t have an alcohol problem, you should probably get one, just to fit in. It’s pretty much like an Irish funeral, everyone is sad and everyone is ‘snockered’.
4) You don’t have to feel bad for living in your parents basement
As great as it was to move out of your house once you made it to adulthood, everyone quickly realizes that living at home was a whole hell of a lot easier. Everything was taken care of. The thing is, for some reason your mom never really loses that maternal instinct. Now that you have an excuse to move back in, your mom is totally going to cook you some delicious chocolate chip pancakes to soothe your pain. She will also starch your undies, because that helps too.
5) No Bills
Oh, you will still be getting them, but you won’t be able to pay them so you don’t have to feel bad about it. You just ride things out until everything gets turned off. Once that happens just go home and collect on those sweet flapjacks.
The way I see it, a depression will be pretty much like undergraduate college all over again. You have no Job, but you don’t care because you are hammered all the time. You are lean and svelt because you found a way to sustain yourself on vodka and $.18 pouches of freeze dried noodles and salt. You have so much debt you are collecting, but you don’t have to pay it now, so who really gives a shit? Oh yeah, and you get to go home to Mom and Dad’s loving arms when things get tough. Honestly, it sounds like a good time to me.
I guess there are a few people we owe an apology for coming down on them so hard, when all they were doing was looking out for us. Thanks AIG, we owe you.
Below is my Top 5 Little-Seen Gems That I Think You Should Check Out Immediately (though to be fair, there are probably much more than 5, probably some better than these that I could have selected, but I’m on a time crunch and these were the earliest and best that came to mind.) Some of these you may have heard of before. A few are pretty obscure rarities, others had full-blown wide releases. Regardless, I don’t think enough people have seen these films and I hope this helps to solve that problem. Behold the hyperbole:
Black Christmas
No, not that piece of shit that came out a couple of years ago. The 1974 original is one of the most terrifying, most disturbing, scariest films I’ve ever seen. I couldn’t finish it in one sitting. Scary. As. Shit. You never see the killer. You know he’s there. You can hear him. You see all of the kills from his POV. But you never see him and you never get his story. Brilliant. The remake destroyed everything that was so great about this one.
Your first words after watching: “Seriously, turn the lights back on. Please.”
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Written and directed by Shane Black (creator of Lethal Weapon), this movie is what every buddy-action/comedy should aspire to be. Almost perfect in every sense of the word. Val Kilmer proves why he is an unsung genius. Robert Downey, Jr. proves why he is an unsung god. The two of them in this movie easily rank among the all-time great on-screen odd couples.
Your first words after watching: “The only thing that would have made that any better is if Kilmer and RDJ docked at the end.”
A Very Long Engagement
Here’s the :30 Hollywood elevator pitch about this movie: It’s Saving Private Ryan meets Amelie meets Casablanca. Hands down, one of the most beautiful and heartbreaking films I’ve seen. Coming from the director of Amelie, and starring the almost-unbearably-adorable Audrey Tautou, this movie mixes a fantastic war film with a breathtaking love story. Boys and girls, if your eyes don’t at least water at this film, I’ll hunt you down and rip out your tear ducts because you clearly don’t deserve them.
Your first words after watching: “http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4YD8HT4Hahw”
Six-String Samurai
Now we get wacky. Out of a possible 10 on the Zany scale, this one gets a 28. Set in a post-apocalyptic 1957, it follows Buddy on his quest to Lost Vegas so that he can replace Elvis and become the new King. I promise you, you’ve seen nothing like this film ever before. I’m not saying it will change your life, but if you don’t at least have a shload of fun watching it, there’s something wrong you.
Your first words after watching: “Hahaha what? Hahahahahaholy shit!”
Visitor Q
I could do a separate Top 5 just about the films of Takashi Miike that you need to see. The guy is fucked up! But this is by far his most insane accomplishment. Bad shit crazy doesn’t even begin to describe this thing. It features countless memorable moments like the middle-aged Japanese housewife standing nude and joyously flooding her kitchen with her own breast milk. And who could forget the father excitedly making love to the fresh corpse of his daughter while using her poo as lube? But, at the end of the day, it’s honestly a fascinating story of a family just trying to get by.
Your first words after watching: “…….” (You won’t say anything. You will silently stand up, walk to the bathroom, and take a rape shower.)
]
1. Basic colors — When was the last time you saw a five year old use a cayenne colored marker?
2. Basic shapes — Trapezoids and octagons are too complex for their little minds.
3. Sharpies — The adult markers.
4. Coloring outside the lines — You have to forget what years in the public school system taught you about following directions. Go ahead, color outside the lines!
5. A pattern that is not actually a pattern — On a childish level this looks like an easy mistake. But on an adult level, it allows you to ascribe deeper meaning to your creation.
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Top 5
By
Kyle Wai Lin .
11.19.08 //
Top 5
// Top 5
By
Kyle Wai Lin .
11.19.08 //
Top 5
1. Adriana Lima
2. Vida Guerra
3. Mary Kate Olson (The skinny one that does a lot of blow)
4. Jessica Alba
5. That cute girl from the Jonas Brothers, I’m not sure what her name is…
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Top 5 M.O
By
Husayn Raza .
11.19.08 //
Top 5
// Top 5 M.O
By
Husayn Raza .
11.19.08 //
Top 5
1. Stand up for what’s right. Even if it means you will be overpowered.
2. Don’t judge. Observe.
3. Be honest with your friends. The kind of honesty that could even make you unpopular.
4. Be first to Give.
5. Do whatever you do with a passion to do it.
5. “This looks like the shotgun I have at my house”
TaBoris, Age:10
While herding children through the Jamestown ole Shoppe, this student stopped to peruse the collection of toy muskets. The statement was made with pride and loud enough for the elderly volunteers to collect together in the rear of the shop to discuss the implications of having a ten-year-old gangster in the store.
4. “Indians dance to meet women”
Jordan, age: 10
Upon being asked what Indian life was like during the 1600’s, this student impressively began to describe Native American culture down to some of the smallest details. He spoke of the family make-up, general hunting rituals and some of the chores in daily Indian life. He was cruising with the settlement lecture until he began speaking of their rituals. Once he veered down this path, there was no saving him. In either an attempt to prove his superiority or shut the kid up, our guide asked, “why do Indians dance, Jordan?”
A smiled curled across the young scholar’s face as he confidently announced what was, in his mind, the answer to one of the most obvious questions he had ever fielded.
3. “I feel like a woman”
Dakota, age: 10
Ah Dakota, so much I could say about this little guy. We can sum this young man up with the first words he shared with me upon arrival.
“Mr. Childs, guess what?”
“What Dakota?”
“This morning for breakfast I had a bowl of cereal, a chocolate doughnut, 3 Reese’s cups and some candy.”
I asked what he considered the Reese’s cup as he stated he began eating candy post the peanut butter and chocolate treat but that is a tale for another time.
Dakota spent a fair amount of time on the activity bus thumbing through magazines the teachers brought along with them. At certain points, when the mood or scent struck him, Dakota would be begin rubbing the folded scent strips of the perfume ads all over his body. He seemed to like this and garnered a fair amount of pleasure from the application.
2. “Bye kids, yay.”
Questionable “first-mate” character, Age: early twenties
While not the best quote of the day, easily the one that impacted me the most.
One of the spotlights at our nation’s first settlement are tours of the boats our forefathers arrived on. On this particular day we were graced with an extremely talented character playing the role Captain of the Godspeed. While his performance was no doubt riveting, my attention could not be pulled from his first mate.
Not one of the most compelling characters I’ve encountered at a colonial hotspot. Imagine your stereotype of a pizza delivery guy, slightly rotund, questionable whiskers in the rough form of a beard attempt. This theatrical apprentice stayed close to his master’s heels and only spoke once.
It’s important to understand how this line was communicated. First, there was no excitement in the young man’s tone. Nor any sign of rehearsal. Next, there really was no need or call for an additional, flat “yay”. There was no overly exciting event happening on or near our vessel. It was not spoken to invigorate the November-chilled spirits of these fourth graders. He wasn’t looking in the direction of the exiting gaggle. It was quite honestly one of the most half-hearted, poorly placed pieces of language ever offered up. Picture Jeanine Garofalo as a meaty, male under-grad.
1. “Now I need a boy to waddle”
Tour guide Scott, Age: senior
Scott was a good man. Sharp wit. Solid beard. Colonial tie.
As any tour-ee should expect, the man knew his stuff. He acted, lectured, explained and mimicked his way through three hours of Jamestown splendidness. He wasn’t an overly nice man and had no qualm speaking to the children with the tone of an old school educator.
This line came while demonstrating how colonists made fences during the time. At first a young lady was asked to demonstrate the antiquated practice. After a few attempts she caught on and was waddling.
Scott, in all of his opportunistic wisdom, wanted to make sure everyone had a chance to experience his waddle.
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When we weren’t busy hating Spanish class.
By
Tristan Smith .
11.17.08 //
Top 5
// When we weren’t busy hating Spanish class.
By
Tristan Smith .
11.17.08 //
Top 5
For four years of your life, you were a sexually maturing human sitting around with a bunch of other sexually maturing humans, learning about fractions and commas. This was the time in your life when you, a child, began collecting the shames of adulthood. You realized that some of the things you enjoy were embarrassing. And so childhood was ruined, a suite of new pleasures was revealed, and everyone stopped wearing parkas over shorts.
But before that all happened, we filled our afternoons and (occasionally) Saturdays with activities. Here are the top five middle school extra curriculars
of all time.
5. Science Olympiad.
Boom. Bald science teacher. Enthusiasm. Maybe your dad is an engineer. Who knows. But volunteering for Science Olympiad meant that in ten weeks, you’re headed to some huge high school in Currituck County to try and win glory through your superior knowledge of clouds. Cirrus. Nimbus. Stratocumulous. I didn’t have to look any of those up.
4. Band.
Middle school band was exactly like high school band except that most of the kids in middle school band hated middle school band. This meant the main accomplishment of middle school band was the development of a contempt for the kids that liked band, something that would come in handy with the start of 9th grade.
3. Yearbook.
I have no idea why gluing a bunch of little pictures together for two afternoons a week for several years is cooler than rocking out on a saxophone, but it was. Yearbook might have made sense if the people working on yearbook were the only ones that got yearbooks. But I got one. Everyone got one. It was like, “Hey, Dimitri, thanks for making my yearbook for me while I was playing basketball.”
2. Newspaper.
Newspaper was a nearly perfect piece of living irony. Like a real newspaper, its diligent team of professional truth tellers felt the heat of delivering on deadline. Unlike a real newspaper, no one in the rest of the school knew or cared when the paper came out. People didn’t even care if it stuck to a specific format, whether teachers wrote the whole thing, or that the Wynnsong movie theatre was quickly becoming the best movie theatre in the area according to Vera Dadock.
1. MathCounts.
No it doesn’t.
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