Vanity Plates

// ZAK ROX

By Alex Aloise .
11.09.08 // Vanity Plates

View Comments / Nov 09.08 / Vanity Plates / by Alex Aloise

// A vanity plate covered America is a sane America.

By Ben Cheney .
11.08.08 // Vanity Plates

Why is it that one of the world’s most advanced nations has such a giddy excitement for vanity license plates?

Over the past two centuries America has contributed greatly to the advancement of the modern world through such inventions as the cotton gin, the light bulb, the airplane, and hell, even the internet.  (Go Al Gore!)  We were the first nation to land on the moon and the first nation to develop nuclear weapons.  We are the land of the free and the home of the brave.  Yet we can’t help giggling like children over seven letter quips that are stamped into cold, hard aluminum, accented with reflective paint, and screwed onto the backs of cars.

What is it about vanity plates that is so intriguing?  So captivating?  Is there more to them than just what we see on the surface?  Sure.  Some people see them as a way to express themselves.  Some people use them as a way to judge others.  Some people are addicted to deciphering them.  Some people simply collect them.

But at the most fundamental level, vanity plates address a much deeper issue.  They are one of the few simple pleasures left in this world.  This makes them crucial to the sanity of today’s society.

I have come to a scary realization — simple is in danger of becoming extinct.  This may sound like a ridiculous statement, but think about it this way.  We live in a world obsessed with progression.  And more often than not, progression and innovation are accompanied by complication, which is the exact opposite of simplicity.  So, ipso facto, simple is on its way out the door.*

But this presents an interesting point and the crux of the argument for vanity license plates — increased complication drives a need for increased simplicity.  America needs vanity plates as a way to offset the increasingly complicated world in which we live.  Such simple pleasures offer us momentary escapes from reality, and without these we would just be one giant group of crazies.  In other words, sometimes it’s necessary to take a step back from the never ending to do list and think, “What does ‘HIHO AG’ mean?”

View Comments / Nov 08.08 / Vanity Plates / by Ben Cheney

// Vanity plates are the crooked toupees of the road.

By Kyle Wai Lin .
11.05.08 // Vanity Plates

They’re like neck tattoos… pretty fuckin’ cool as a teenager, but then not so much in the carpool line at your son’s elementary school… which could only mean one thing… Up to 13% of women in Arkansas might as well cut the bullshit and name their kid(s) Elmer, Sebastian, or a name of equally scaring value if they have a neck tattoo.

Actually I take that back because I’m sure some heckler jackass would argue that that’s what parenting is all about, embarrassing your children (which in truth, is something that I argue regularly, bit I’ll get into on a later post).

I’d like to retract my long-way-for-a-ham-sandwich-opener and say… Vanity license plates are flat out LAME.

Personal opinions aside, here’s why…

1. If you have VPs, you are a douche bag.
2. If you’re a parent (with VPs), your kids are already embarrassed by you enough.
3. If you’re a single parent, vanity license plates are probably the reason why.
4. If you have VPs you might also wear a translucent neon sun bonnet and have 14 or so state magnets on your fridge all from 13 states within driving distance from Florida.
5. If you have VPs you probably know the name of the lead singer of Nickelback.
6. If you have VPs, you might be from Virginia and who the shit really likes Virginians anyway? (Except, of course, those that made Nov 4th possible.)
7. (If you have VPs) You probably use acronyms to remember planetary alignment and important historical events, such as when Brangelina adopted Zahara.
8. When you arrive home on Friday nights after an evening of hitting on local high school girls at Dave and Busters with your work buddies, you take off your black short sleeve rayon button up (the one with flames on the bottom) as quietly as you can so as not to wake your brother and sister-in-law.
9. If you have VPs and are a school teacher, you probably also like to waste money on equally unimportant things like your holiday sweater collection, which started out as an ironic joke when you first started teaching kindergarden because you thought teaching would be a great profession to meet single women.
10. If you have multiple kids (and have VPs) you string them together with leashes and harnesses on trips to your regional amusement park, which for you is in or around the Mall of America.

View Comments / Nov 05.08 / Vanity Plates / by Kyle Wai Lin

// “Contemporary prose in motion”

By Jordan Childs .
11.04.08 // Vanity Plates

Fact: Out of the 9.3 million personalized plates on the roads of America, about one in 10 are in Virginia, that means 16% of vanity plates issued are personalized by Virginians. Pretty Awful.

“Contemporary prose in motion”
Telling a story in eight or fewer characters PER LINE

CLVR.Ppl

RU.SPCL?

RU.FNNY?

CLEVER?

2gd4#’s?

drv.prwd

witty.1

televry1

ur.story

The.pfct

custmztn

2.a.1st

swt.cvic

ddys.grl

wl.B.nwn

by.evry1

evry.whr

plp.wil

mrvl

@ur.mnds

prfrmnce

drvrs

wll.rmbr

the.mssg

n.frnt

chcs.luv

tht.styl

guys.dig

ur.tude

drv.on

0.clvr.1

u.prwd

rd.poet

View Comments / Nov 04.08 / Vanity Plates / by Jordan Childs

// WE’RE BACK.

By Tristan Smith .
11.03.08 // Vanity Plates

View Comments / Nov 03.08 / Vanity Plates / by Tristan Smith

// Hangovers and Toupees

By Charles Hodges .
11.03.08 // Vanity Plates

In the world of self-imposed nomenclature, the vanity plate stands alone.

We choose our e-mail with thought because we don’t want to have to put, “contact me at BonJovee1823@hotmail.com” on a resume.

We name our children with care because we don’t want them to have to raise their hand on the first day of school and say, “My name is Pitsburghsteeler and my favorite color is pink.”

However, when it comes to what adorns the back of our cars we don’t tread so lightly.  It’s as if, when you tell someone that all they have to do to have something legally changed is pay $10 and fill out a form, they go fucking crazy.

In a way, you could say a license plate is like an address for your car.  But if you could change your home address to reflect some minuscule aspect of your personality, you probably wouldn’t do it.

“Oh yeah, Papa Johns, we live at LUVCATS River Road.  It’s the brick one on the corner.”

But people do it all the time.

They feel the need to project some one-lined pun to the world, one traffic jam at a time.

Some are playful acts of self-deprecating humor like my mom’s old plate on our family suburban that said, “WHERERWE”.

Some are absolutely-not-ironic-which-makes-them-the-biggest-douche-bags-in-the-world-tags like a guy that used to ride my bus whose father’s car read, “1GR8SON”.  (Personally, I thought the statement was a little premature.  We were only in fourth grade and I had seen no signs of promise in any area with the young lad.)

A neighbor of mine pushes out his/her agreeable worldview with a tag that says “OK SURE” and I once saw a women driving a Subaru with a tag that said “4MER BOY”.

Are these windows to the soul?  Probably not.

Confessions to strangers? Perhaps.

Reminders?  Maybe.

You will often hear people talk about their vanity plates because they are so “unique”.

“It’s the only one in the world,” they will tell you over an ice cold O’Douls.

They are unique the same way fingerprints are unique.  Personal.  Stale.  Only good to know about if a murder happens.

However, vanity plates, within themselves, are the opposite of murder.  They are harmless.

To be honest, I actually like them.  I like them for the same reason I like hangovers and toupees.

It’s funny when other people have them.

I think they know this.  I think the ordering of a vanity plate shows a certain amount of trust that the individual has in the sense of humor of themselves and the world at large.

Are they the last ones that aren’t painfully self aware?  Are the vanity plate owners the last true comic artists?  Are they the only ones void of the constraints of a society that demands to tip toe around every single issue, making sure that our worldview isn’t forced upon someone else?

If all of this be true then I think we are dealing with more than just puns and sports fanatics.  More than just braggarts of offspring and proud owners of animals.

If all of this be true then the vanity plate is the democratization of Ralph Waldo Emerson idea that:

“To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men – that is genius.”

And to that I say bravo men and women.  BRVOM&W.

View Comments / Nov 03.08 / Vanity Plates / by Charles Hodges

// An American Art Form

By Joey Camire .
11.02.08 // Vanity Plates

In many ways the act of getting a vanity plate has become an American art form.  The Japanese created the Haiku, poetic expression within the confines of syllabic limitations. The American created the Vanity License Plate.  Poetic expression in 7 characters or less.

I was immediately drawn to make fun of vanity license plates, even though I have one, but the more I examples I saw the more respect I found for them.  Vanity plates are truly a form of american poetry.

Like any art form there are people who practice that have no place doing so.  There are the obvious. examples like “MY VETTE” on a corvette, or “SKYYY” on a Saturn Sky.   There are the excessively arrogant.  examples like “2GOOD4U” or “2HT2HDL”.  The problem is that all of these terrible plates are giving people with a creative flair a bad name.

My favorite vanity plates are the ones that take advantage of the entire plate itself.  These people do not limit themselves to the standard 7 characters, oh no, they use the full license plates as their canvas.  Take a gander at these.

The possibilities are limitless.  Just think of all the ways you can express yourself with 7 characters.  It’s actually always been a fundamental belief of mine that you can describe anyone with 7 characters.

Like myself for example I would probably go with “KILLNIT”, where as for someone like Alex I would more appropriately go with “LOSE W8″.

See where I’m going with this?  Works for love letters too.  Why would you need anything more than 7 characters?  “I WNT PUS”.  And you’ll be getting it.  How about this classic, “GET ON ME”.  You know she’s gonna with that masterpiece.  If those don’t work, try this one, “I HV A DIK”.

But like any art form, the vanity plate is not a static delivery device, it to is evolving.  Many states are adding another character.  Can you imagine all of the new beautiful pieces of poetry you will encounter on a daily basis.  Mind boggling.

I’ve actually already started writing a few pieces, I’d love to share with you.
“3 IN OF HVN”
“WRNG HOLE”
and
“C IM FNNY 2″

View Comments / Nov 02.08 / Vanity Plates / by Joey Camire